Lemonade Wisdom 🍋 A Deep Dive into Radical Acceptance

OMB: The Intersection of Narcissism & Family Court Greetings! Radical acceptance is critical steppingstone in the journey through the family court system. Whenever I initiate conversation on the topic of radical acceptance in support groups or online, I receive a lot of backlash. I believe so strongly in the power (and importance) of radical acceptance that I am willing to navigate the potential backlash that comes from doing a deep dive on this topic. Radical acceptance is the act of fully embracing reality, even when it's difficult or painful, without resistance. It involves acknowledging and accepting the present moment exactly as it is, rather than (exerting energy) wishing it were different or trying to force it to conform to our expectations or desires. The importance of radical acceptance cannot be overstated, as it has the potential to transform how we relate to ourselves, others, and the world around us. By wholeheartedly accepting the reality of a situation, we free ourselves from the grip of suffering and open the door to greater (inner) peace, resilience, and well-being. The thing I want to emphasize the most: it doesn’t mean we agree with the way things are. It simply means that we are not fighting reality, we are not stuck on the injustice or the lack of fairness because when we are fighting reality, it’s like being caught in a huge dark hole of quicksand. It will keep sucking us down until it consumes us. Meanwhile, we become bone-tired and depleted, fighting a battle that we cannot win – and if we are fighting this battle, how do we fight the battle that truly matters which is protecting our children? When we resist or deny reality, we create inner turmoil and distress for ourselves. This resistance often takes the form of thoughts like "This shouldn't be happening" or "It's not fair." These thoughts can lead to a cycle of negative emotions (anger, frustration, and hopelessness). By practicing radical acceptance, we release ourselves from this cycle and find a sense of inner peace or at a minimum, a reprieve. When we stop fighting against the things we cannot change or control, we conserve valuable energy and mental resources. This allows us to approach difficulties with a clearer mind and a greater capacity to problem-solve (or adapt). Rather than being overwhelmed by obstacles, we can respond to them in a calmer, and more determined manner. I remember playing in the ocean as a child and my dad was trying to explain rip currents and what to do if I were ever caught up in one. Trying to swim towards the shore is what we instinctually do but that would use all of your energy – and you are exhaust yourself. It's a recipe for disaster. My dad explained that the best course of action was to relax and swim along the shoreline until you escape the pull of the current. I have always reflected back on that advice he gave me because it is a powerful analogy for what we are all facing. Practicing radical acceptance does not mean that we passively resign ourselves or agree to the horrifying circumstances many of us are facing. Rather, it empowers us to discern between the things we can control or change and those we cannot. By accepting what we cannot change, we can direct our efforts toward what is within our control, leading to more effective and purposeful action. The importance of radical acceptance lies in its ability to liberate us from additional suffering while strengthening our resilience and fostering personal growth. By embracing life as it is, without resistance or judgment, we open ourselves to a deeper sense of peace, well-being…and a more clear mindset. In August 2009, I stood in family court for the very first time. For the next two years, I felt as though I had fallen down a rabbit hole into a bizarre new reality that defied logic. I often described it as an “Alice in Wonderland-type of mindfuck.” It was so confusing that I wondered if I was the problem? When I found myself in a place of sheer defeat, I decided to spend an afternoon at the courthouse as an observer. That was the day that everything changed for me. I felt as though someone had thrown me a lifeline and helped me to crawl out of the rabbit hole of bizarro world. That day, I saw everything in a different light, and it was the biggest “ah ha” moment of my life. It was a painful light, glaring and intrusive but it truly changed things for me. Prior to that day, I had been operating with the belief that everyone cared about children as much as I did. I was projecting onto others. Through that lens, I experienced frustration and desperation – and cognitive dissonance. I just couldn’t make sense of why they kept placing my children in danger. Through this NEW lens, I sat there watching business deals take place - that’s what it amounted to for the court personnel. You file your paperwork and pay the clerk at the window, and it is there that you hand over your power. You move to the next station which is the court room and you watch as they make decisions about your life and your children. It was as though the professionals were disassociated, seeing people as widgets and transactions. It was almost as though humanity had been extracted and sucked right out of the courthouse. I left the courthouse that day feeling as though the wind had been knocked out of me. I witnessed a painful reality that was undeniable. I knew I could not continue operating the same way, because if I did, I risked losing my daughters. I threw a huge pity party, with all the bells and whistles. I cried in my Ben and Jerry’s ice cream and I was angry with the world. When my pity party was over, I had to dust myself off and pull up my big girl pants. Back then, I didn’t have a term to describe radical acceptance but, radical acceptance is very much what happened. I radically accepted that what I witnessed in the courthouse was inhumane but, I did not have the energy to challenge it or to tackle it head on. It was so much bigger than me, it was an entire system. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had to learn the system and operate from a place of strategy. Here is my point: if I would've tried to go up against the system when I was still in my battle, my children would not be safe today. When I was in the trenches, I had to radically accept the state of the system. There were days that I had to crawl under the covers and throw additional pity parties but when my pity parties were over, I had to get up and try again. I did not have a minute of time to waste on wallowing in the unfairness, the lack of justice or the vileness of this patriarchal system. Radical acceptance allowed me to be in the “here and now,” where I could learn to play the game because it was the quickest way to the finish line. Radical acceptance is getting clear on the facts – and getting clear on what is in our control and what isn’t. Here are some facts: - We are in the family court system, whether we want to be or not. - The family court system is operating the way it was designed. It is not broken, it was created to be a patriarchal system and, in that regard, it is thriving. I look forward to a time where everyone can link arms, shout from the rooftops and demand change. I dream of this system being dismantled, burned to the ground and rebuilt. - I couldn’t fight the system; I couldn’t resist the system- I had to go in with my game face on and learn the system so that I could operate from a place of strategy. Radical acceptance is a sturdy bridge that leads to the strategy mindset --which is exactly what you need to protect your children. Strategy is going to look different for each and every person. Outcomes will be different for each of us because there are so many variables in every situation. A success story for someone who is dealing with outright corruption may be learning to compartmentalize the battle so that you can be present for your children, counting the days until they age out. Success for someone else may be “gray rocking,” “yellow rocking” and choosing battles very carefully, until the other person finally drops the mask. We have to remember that this is an ultra-marathon, and we are up against individuals who typically train for 5Ks or 10Ks (some may train for a half marathon). We must learn to pace ourselves and take time to refuel as needed. What I want you to know is that I do hear success stories, and now I hear even more of them because I have the privilege of cheering for the coaches I’ve trained. I’ve passed torches and they are out there helping others, which is a beautiful thing. One of the coaches just shared a huge victory today while another one of our coaches secured a pro bono attorney for a client (which is almost unheard of in the system). We are creating an army of warriors to combat this system, so you don’t have to tackle it on your own if (or when) you find yourself running on fumes. Maybe you aren’t in a position to hire a [High Conflict Divorce Coach]( and if that is the case, make sure you are connecting with others in our private [OMB chapters]( for support. Whatever your path holds, you need support and strategy. I wish I would’ve had these resources available to me when I was in the trenches – these things can be game changers. Remember: radical acceptance does not mean liking or approving of the situation, rather acknowledging the facts and choosing to let go of the inner struggle against it. I am cheering you on, now and always! Sending love and light, Tina Coming in 2024: The Narc Decoder: Volume Two --------------------------------------------------------------- Divorcing a narcissist or child custody proceedings with a narcissist can feel all-consuming, demoralizing and destabilizing. Common sense and intuition calls for personal protection and firm boundaries yet the family court system demands that survivors acquiesce to the abuser. The court system itself becomes the platform for post separation abuse and the children become pawns and weapons. In a family court system that remains untrained on important topics such as domestic abuse, post separation abuse, coercive control, and victim versus perpetrator behaviors, many survivors are portrayed in a negative light as a result of their communication style. "When I first wrote The Narc Decoder in 2016, it was a much different climate in the family court system. While family court has never been a safe place for survivors of domestic abuse, the atmosphere has become even more concerning and has reached crisis level. It is inhumane for someone to be court-ordered to coparent with their abuser however, there are some harsh realities in the family court system. Healthy, reasonable parents are commonly painted as hysterical, unhinged, "alienators" so operating from a place of strategy is a critical component to protecting one's children. Protective parents are under a high-powered microscope and must navigate accordingly. I look forward to providing an updated guide for survivors who are forced to communicate with a narcissist or other toxic individual during child custody proceedings." -Tina Swithin Interested in submitting your "crazy making" communication for possible inclusion in the new addition? [Click here to read submission examples]( and to understand the format. After you have familiarize yourself, [click here to submit](. AFFIRMATION CARDS FOR CHILDREN - holiday gifts or stocking stuffers! "I know my boundaries" - When there is a toxic or unhealthy parent in the equation, boundaries are not only ignored, they can be seen as a challenge to conquer. We need to be teaching our children about boundaries - classmates, with friends, and even with adults. What are boundaries and how do we talk to our children about this important topic? This card opens that door of communication; boundaries can be emotional, spiritual, mental, physical, etc. Talk to your children about examples of boundaries. We must talk about boundaries with our children - regardless of whether they have an unhealthy parent or not. To order, go to [www.pinkfireworks.com]( Explosive documentary by Olivia Gentile: "Hundreds of children across the United States have been sent into controversial treatment programs where they’re cut off from the parent they trust and forced to live with the one they fear. This investigation explores how proponents of “parental alienation” theory have convinced family court judges to order children into these experimental reunification programs, usually during a custody battle in a divorce. The therapists claim their programs can repair broken parent-child relationships, but critics call them junk science and say they have traumatized kids." Accompanying article: "[The Backstory: Olivia Gentile: Reporting on Parental Alienation]( We’d like to hear about family court professionals who are NOT acting “in the best interest” of children and survivors. Link: [www.intheirbestinterest.com]( At the High Conflict Divorce Coach Certification Program, we do not subscribe to the belief that there is always purpose to be found in pain - sometimes there are tragedies that stand alone as unexplainable and horrific. Outside of this category, there are those of us who have been through the family court system and want to ensure that our experiences were not in vain. We seek purpose and are driven to give others a hand up. We strive to be the person we so desperately needed during the darkest moments of our own journeys. It has also been refreshing to walk alongside and mentor professionals who currently work in the family court system or, in the field of mental health. I have the utmost respect for those who recognize that their formal training lacked critical information, hindering them from properly serving their clients. Over the past few years, we have welcomed family law attorneys, guardian ad litem's, paralegals, mediators, social workers, LMFTs and psychologists. One of the testimonials we received from our January cohort was from a family law attorney who said: "As a family law attorney, I thought I knew how to help clients. This course brought me to a whole different level of being able to help people." A.M. (California) This is what another recent graduate had to say about our program: "Everything about this course was excellent. The format was easily accessible to various brain styles (video, text, live calls, and inter-class communications). The actual content was so thoughtfully curated; every single lesson was readily applicable and there was absolutely no fluff. And then having the opportunity to coach a real client was invaluable. If you take the course you will be prepared to be a divorce coach of the highest professional and ethical caliber, and you will be connected with inspiring people working alongside you. It is not something you can “wing.” The effort and time is 1000% worth it." -Jamie Clarisse Apply today at [hcdivorcecoach.com/apply]( and join us for January session! [Click here to learn ALL about becoming a High Conflict Divorce Coach.]( If you resonate with any of the following statements, you would be helped by having a divorce coach on your team: - I am new to divorcing a narcissist (or high conflict individual) and I don’t want to make mistakes. - I am struggling with radical acceptance and/or managing my expectations. - I struggle with what (and how) to document. - I have been using gray rock communication and it’s hurting my case. - I don’t understand what matters to the court system and I feel lost. - I feel alone and no one understands – my own therapist seems baffled. - I am at odds with my attorney, and I don’t feel heard. - I am facing a custody evaluation and I don’t know how to prepare. - The judge sees me as part of the problem and I don’t know how to turn this around. Our high-conflict divorce coaches have received extensive training on post separation abuse. These coaches have been taught by leading experts around the world and they are trained to serve as strategy partners. Check our referral database at [www.hcdivorcecoach.com/coach]( - [Gains in the movement to end most pervasive violence in the world - North Dallas Gazette]( - [ABC7: Piqui's Law - named for South Pasadena boy murdered by his father - heading to Newsom's desk]( - [Insider: California legislature passes bill aiming to protect children from abusers during custody disputes]( - [Roundtable: Violence, Criminality, and Human Rights Violations in the Family Courts with Dr. Bandy Lee]( - Survivor Squad Podcast: [Part I: Money, Manipulation & Mayhem w/ Tina Swithin]( - Survivor Squad Podcast: [Part II: Money, Manipulation & Mayhem w/ Tina Swithin]( - [Toxic: The Podcast: Episode 75: Not the Fun Kind of Camp—Family Reunification Camps, aka, Legalized Kidnappings, Are Disturbing as Hell]( - [Your Divorce Survival Guide: Exposing Parental Alienation in Family Courts with Grant Wyeth]( - [What Came Next Podcast]( - [Ms. Magazine: Remembering Catherine Kassenoff and Continuing the Fight for Fair U.S. Child Custody Outcomes]( - [What You Need to Know About Reunification Therapy (Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast)]( - [Here's the Truth About Reunification Camps (Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast)]( - [Nightline: Lala Kent and Tina Swithin]( - [Navigating Narcissism: Dr. Ramani and Tina Swithin]( - [Insider: Her son said his stepdad was sexually abusive. A judge gave the stepdad custody anyway. Then she found the photographs]( - [One Mom's Battle by Annie Kenny: Welcome to America, the Land of the Free - Unless you are the Child of An Abuser]( - [ProPublica: Barricaded Siblings Turn to TikTok While Defying Court Order to Return to Father They Say Abused Them]( - [Page Six: Lala Kent Protesting Family Court Abuse]( - [San Francisco Public Press: Family Courts Rely on Dubious Theory to Dismiss Child Abuse Claims]( - [San Francisco Public Press: Children’s Violent Removal From Santa Cruz Home Raises Calls to End Reunification Camps]( - [Good Times Santa Cruz: Teens and Lawmakers Work to Outlaw Reunification Therapy]( [Facebook]( [Twitter]( [Link]( [Website]( [Pinterest]( [LinkedIn]( [YouTube]( Our mailing address is: One Mom's Battle/Tina Swithin P.O. Box 123 San Luis Obispo, California 93406 Want to change how you receive these emails? You can [update your preferences]( or [unsubscribe from this list](. 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