Lemonade Wisdom 🍋 The Narcissist & The Holidays

...seatbelt buckled! The narcissist and the holidays...here we go, friends! Every year, I make a commitment to reach out to those of you divorcing a narcissist (or in child custody litigation with a narcissist) during the holiday season because I remember this difficult period all too well. This is a challenging process to begin with but sprinkle in a season of joy and togetherness, it can feel “extra” chaotic and crazy-making. The holiday season is the “granddaddy of all triggers" for the narcissist. The narcissist spirals because of the (perceived) holiday cheer and festivities. There are predictable patterns across-the-board but there are also things that are unique to the person you are up against which can be revealed by “profiling” the narcissist in your life. Speaking in general terms, things to prepare yourself for: - Manipulations: things are moving quickly, festivities are swirling and as a result, they can’t seem to find the spotlight or, stay in it. They have to manipulate situations to feel relevant. This could mean a disruption of your holiday plans or attempts to provoke an emotional reaction from you. - Visitation and parenting time challenges: any time the schedule deviates from “normal” is an opportunity for the narcissist to wreak havoc. They are experts at finding gray areas in court ordered parenting plans which they will twist to their advantage. Custody arrangements and visitation are extra contentious because the holiday season causes the narcissist to feel a loss of control. As a result, they attempt to exert control at your expense while undermine your efforts to create stability for the children. - Financial games & shenanigans: depending on where the narcissist falls on the financial scale, there is a wide variety of evil antics that will predictively play out during the season. Add in the fact that the holidays are already financially (and emotionally) taxing and it's a recipe for disaster. If you have been saving up to buy your daughter her first bicycle, the narcissist will probably give her a bigger, better one with even more bells and whistles. If you are financially struggling due to financial abuse, single parenting and the reality of the family court system, you can bet that the narcissist will pull out all the stops to make this the most magical Christmas ever. - Boundaries: any attempts at boundaries are an invitation for the narcissist to bulldoze straight into said boundary. It’s almost as if your normal boundaries now have a sparkly red bow whipping in the wind to attract the attention of the narcissist. Maintaining boundaries can feel "extra" exhausting during times like this. - Crusher of hope: we have the Grinch plotting against Christmas and we have the narcissist determined to crush any semblance of hope or joy in your life or, in the lives of your children because they know this is the number one way to hurt you. I share all of these things...not to depress you, but to prepare you so that you are not blind-sided. We must know thy enemy to operate from a place of strategy versus emotion. - Are we going to give away our power? NO, WE ARE NOT! - Are we going to give away our light? NO, WE ARE NOT! - Are we going to allow them to steal our joy? NO, WE ARE NOT! This is where we invite our old friend, Radical Acceptance to the table. We don’t have to agree with the way things are, but we accept the reality we are currently facing. Sometimes it is reframing things: we see the attempts to create chaos as pathetic. How sad it must be to expend this much energy trying to hurt another person. What a pitiful, waste of life. Imagine if love, light and happiness were your arch-nemesis. I don’t want to imagine – and I refuse to be pulled down into the darkness. In the spirit of taking our power back (or maintaining our power if we haven’t given it away), I would like to share some things I have learned over the years: - The dates do not matter: your children will remember the memories you create together, not what date the memories were created. I remember feeling devastated, waking up on Christmas morning and not having my daughters with me. That was my pain, not theirs. They could not tell you which holidays they spent with me and which holidays they woke up at his house. They remember the moments that we created together while celebrating the holidays. - Presence versus Presents: children love toys and gifts, yes. I am not going to try to convince you otherwise. It can be incredibly painful if you are financially struggling yet the narcissist has covered every square inch of the floor with gifts for your children. It hurts and it stings, deeply. In reflection, my daughters (16 and 18-years old) would describe the “weirdness” they felt at his house on Christmas morning. While they couldn’t articulate it at the time, it was all for show and now, they see this clearly. The best gift I gave them was my presence and undivided attention along with the memories we created together. It wasn’t weird or artificial, it was magical because it was authentic. - Traditions – new and old: the way I see it, you are holding a blank slate in this moment. Think back on your childhood or stories you’ve heard from friends about traditions in their families. What do you want to incorporate into your new life from the past, and what new traditions can you start now? Every Christmas Eve, my children get a pair of Christmas pajamas and a book. That is a tradition I kept and incorporated into our new life. A new tradition that I created was born out of complete financial devastation. On our first Christmas, I had no money so I came up with a fun adventure: we would find a nearby town and spend Christmas Eve window shopping and exploring. I had enough money to buy them hot chocolate, cookies and macaroni and cheese from a local restaurant. I could not afford to buy myself a meal at the restaurant that year but, we made the best of it and it is a tradition they will forever cherish. If any of this resonates with you, please know that you are not alone. This is a sorority that you would never willingly sign up for but when you need support, the One Mom's Battle (OMB) community is pretty amazing. Lean into the resources we have available - and feel the community support. If you haven't already… be sure to join your local chapter of OMB by going to [www.ombchapters.com](. Sending love and light, Tina Explosive documentary by Olivia Gentile: "Hundreds of children across the United States have been sent into controversial treatment programs where they’re cut off from the parent they trust and forced to live with the one they fear. This investigation explores how proponents of “parental alienation” theory have convinced family court judges to order children into these experimental reunification programs, usually during a custody battle in a divorce. The therapists claim their programs can repair broken parent-child relationships, but critics call them junk science and say they have traumatized kids." Accompanying article: "[The Backstory: Olivia Gentile: Reporting on Parental Alienation]( By Grant Wyeth: "The one true bedrock of our societies is [to facilitate the desires of high status men](. Our cultures are enamoured with male confidence, their force of personality, and often the [force of their fists](. Violence is ubiquitous on the screen – whether cinema, television, phone or computer. We find it compelling, and always have, even before we could beam it into our eyeballs on demand. Men who dominate – in any form – fascinate us, we bow down to them with our service, excusing their transgressions and enabling more of them. The adulation we have for high-status men, whether engaged in the arts or other forms of public human endeavour, creates perverse incentives for them. [It provides them with a sense of being able to transcend moral and ethical norms]( and the laws that should flow from them. Fandom creates a new constituency for high-status men – a section of the public who are willing to defend or rationalise their actions regardless of the evidence. Often these men have a media that is supportive as well." [Click to read full article](. AFFIRMATION CARDS FOR CHILDREN - holiday gifts or stocking stuffers! "I know my boundaries" - When there is a toxic or unhealthy parent in the equation, boundaries are not only ignored, they can be seen as a challenge to conquer. We need to be teaching our children about boundaries - classmates, with friends, and even with adults. What are boundaries and how do we talk to our children about this important topic? This card opens that door of communication; boundaries can be emotional, spiritual, mental, physical, etc. Talk to your children about examples of boundaries. We must talk about boundaries with our children - regardless of whether they have an unhealthy parent or not. To order, go to [www.pinkfireworks.com]( We’d like to hear about family court professionals who are NOT acting “in the best interest” of children and survivors. Link: [www.intheirbestinterest.com]( At the High Conflict Divorce Coach Certification Program, we do not subscribe to the belief that there is always purpose to be found in pain - sometimes there are tragedies that stand alone as unexplainable and horrific. Outside of this category, there are those of us who have been through the family court system and want to ensure that our experiences were not in vain. We seek purpose and are driven to give others a hand up. We strive to be the person we so desperately needed during the darkest moments of our own journeys. It has also been refreshing to walk alongside and mentor professionals who currently work in the family court system or, in the field of mental health. I have the utmost respect for those who recognize that their formal training lacked critical information, hindering them from properly serving their clients. Over the past few years, we have welcomed family law attorneys, guardian ad litem's, paralegals, mediators, social workers, LMFTs and psychologists. One of the testimonials we received from our January cohort was from a family law attorney who said: "As a family law attorney, I thought I knew how to help clients. This course brought me to a whole different level of being able to help people." A.M. (California) This is what another recent graduate had to say about our program: "Everything about this course was excellent. The format was easily accessible to various brain styles (video, text, live calls, and inter-class communications). The actual content was so thoughtfully curated; every single lesson was readily applicable and there was absolutely no fluff. And then having the opportunity to coach a real client was invaluable. If you take the course you will be prepared to be a divorce coach of the highest professional and ethical caliber, and you will be connected with inspiring people working alongside you. It is not something you can “wing.” The effort and time is 1000% worth it." -Jamie Clarisse Apply today at [hcdivorcecoach.com/apply]( and join us for January session! [Click here to learn ALL about becoming a High Conflict Divorce Coach.]( If you resonate with any of the following statements, you would be helped by having a divorce coach on your team: - I am new to divorcing a narcissist (or high conflict individual) and I don’t want to make mistakes. - I am struggling with radical acceptance and/or managing my expectations. - I struggle with what (and how) to document. - I have been using gray rock communication and it’s hurting my case. - I don’t understand what matters to the court system and I feel lost. - I feel alone and no one understands – my own therapist seems baffled. - I am at odds with my attorney, and I don’t feel heard. - I am facing a custody evaluation and I don’t know how to prepare. - The judge sees me as part of the problem and I don’t know how to turn this around. Our high-conflict divorce coaches have received extensive training on post separation abuse. These coaches have been taught by leading experts around the world and they are trained to serve as strategy partners. Check our referral database at [www.hcdivorcecoach.com/coach]( - [ABC7: Piqui's Law - named for South Pasadena boy murdered by his father - heading to Newsom's desk]( - [Insider: California legislature passes bill aiming to protect children from abusers during custody disputes]( - [Roundtable: Violence, Criminality, and Human Rights Violations in the Family Courts with Dr. Bandy Lee]( - Survivor Squad Podcast: [Part I: Money, Manipulation & Mayhem w/ Tina Swithin]( - Survivor Squad Podcast: [Part II: Money, Manipulation & Mayhem w/ Tina Swithin]( - [Toxic: The Podcast: Episode 75: Not the Fun Kind of Camp—Family Reunification Camps, aka, Legalized Kidnappings, Are Disturbing as Hell]( - [Your Divorce Survival Guide: Exposing Parental Alienation in Family Courts with Grant Wyeth]( - [What Came Next Podcast]( - [Ms. Magazine: Remembering Catherine Kassenoff and Continuing the Fight for Fair U.S. Child Custody Outcomes]( - [What You Need to Know About Reunification Therapy (Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast)]( - [Here's the Truth About Reunification Camps (Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast)]( - [Nightline: Lala Kent and Tina Swithin]( - [Navigating Narcissism: Dr. Ramani and Tina Swithin]( - [Insider: Her son said his stepdad was sexually abusive. A judge gave the stepdad custody anyway. Then she found the photographs]( - [One Mom's Battle by Annie Kenny: Welcome to America, the Land of the Free - Unless you are the Child of An Abuser]( - [ProPublica: Barricaded Siblings Turn to TikTok While Defying Court Order to Return to Father They Say Abused Them]( - [Page Six: Lala Kent Protesting Family Court Abuse]( - [San Francisco Public Press: Family Courts Rely on Dubious Theory to Dismiss Child Abuse Claims]( - [San Francisco Public Press: Children’s Violent Removal From Santa Cruz Home Raises Calls to End Reunification Camps]( - [Good Times Santa Cruz: Teens and Lawmakers Work to Outlaw Reunification Therapy]( [Facebook]( [Twitter]( [Link]( [Website]( [Pinterest]( [LinkedIn]( [YouTube]( Our mailing address is: One Mom's Battle/Tina Swithin P.O. Box 123 San Luis Obispo, California 93406 Want to change how you receive these emails? You can [update your preferences]( or [unsubscribe from this list](. 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