Lemonade Wisdom 🍋 Grieving Who You Once Were

In June, I spent five days at a trauma and healing center. I return one day each month – dedicated to my new path of healing. While it has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, it’s also been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I know timing plays a huge part in this voyage. There’s no way I could have done this work when I was in the trenches of the family court system, and I couldn’t have done it during our criminal trial. I am exactly where I need to be in this moment; I am finally able to turn inward. I am trusting the process. I know we can do hard things. My health and my body demand that I go inward and work through the trauma until I am free from its sharp, relentless clutches. I know the trauma I’ve experienced is directly responsible for my present-day health struggles and disease progression. I am determined to take my power back and I will continue to fill my toolbox with resources that are appropriate for my current journey. For the longest time, I have held tightly to an image of who I was before I gave away my power to sociopaths, criminals and the racket of system. I see memories on social media or old pictures taunting me and I think to myself, “That is who I want to be, that is who I want to return to…that is who I am.” Then, I feel sad and discouraged because it feels unobtainable, like she is beyond my reach no matter how far backwards I go. I don't even know her anymore. I am desperately searching in the darkness, trying to find her but she continues to evade me. Sometimes it feels like a movie with dramatic, suspenseful music playing or a bad dream where I am running after her but I’m in quicksand. No matter how much work I do, or which healing modality I lean into, I can’t seem to get back to her. In fact, I am not even close to finding her and it’s almost as if she’s vanished. I feel sad and hopeless, wondering if she is gone forever. I miss who I used to be – it has become an intense longing. I was alive, I saw the best in people, I lived in the moment, I was spontaneous, and I always carried a cup that was half full. That is the person my husband married, that is the person my children deserve as a mother and that is the person I want to return to. Sometimes my desire to find her is driven by intense guilt because I feel like I have let down those around me...those who knew her – and those who loved her. I miss me… I’m still here, but I’m different. I am cynical, jaded and less trusting with towering walls that scrape the sky – and in my perfect world, I would construct a moat occupied by fire breathing dragons. I am working to bring down my walls and to relinquish my dream of a moat - these things are not in line with who I want to be, but this is the work that challenges me. It leaves me feeling raw and vulnerable and that is scary. It’s more than scary; it’s terrifying. I’ve had a difficult time understanding my feelings on this topic – in fact, I’ve even struggled to articulate my feelings to my therapist. Before I started my trip back home today, I did a meditation and pled for clarity and wisdom. As I sat with my feelings swirling, it hit me like a bolt of lightning: this is grief. I am actively grieving a missing person...but she is truly gone and she is not coming back. I need to properly grieve her to truly move forward. Trying to wish her back is not in alignment with reality and keeps me in a dense fog that seeps into every aspect of my life. She will always be a part of me, but there is no going back and resurrecting her. My energy is better spent practicing radical acceptance and honoring the huge part she played in my life. I’ve never thought of grief this way before, but it helps me to make sense of these unexplainable feelings that I have struggled with for quite some time. Unfortunately, I know grief very well. My first encounter was my mom’s fatal drug overdose when I was 26 years old, then losing my grandparents, my Aunt Bev in 2021, and my dad in April of 2023. I’ve been through various stages of grief; shock and denial, sitting with the pain and the anger while trying to work through it and come to a place of acceptance. It is a process that I’ve been through and continue to work through. It feels hauntingly familiar, but it also feels applicable to where I am right now. For those of you who can relate to feeling like a part of you has died through this excruciating journey, I see you and my heart is with you. Maybe you will find her, maybe you will be able to resurrect her, maybe, just maybe, she it’s still within reach…but maybe you won't. The journey will look different for each of us. With this new found clarity, I am visualizing myself staring at blank pages and holding a pen. I’ve been given the ability to write this next chapter of my life and I get to decide who I am – what parts of the “old me” that I can safely incorporate into this chapter, and which parts of myself I want to shed, mourn and leave behind. I get to examine who I used to be – and see where some of those qualities and traits authentically fit into my current chapter. I am the author of this chapter - and I look forward to reclaiming my power which may look different but sometimes, different is okay. Sending love and light, Tina September 4, 2023 at 7 PM Pacific time I recently connected with someone who taught me how to breathe. That sounds silly, I know...but it's true! She taught me how to use my breath to regulate my nervous system. Life-changing. We will come together over zoom on September 4, at 7 PM Pacific. Over the next week, I will be sharing the link and information in our private OMB chapter groups (www.ombchapters.com) to ensure that everyone joining has been screened -we don't want unwanted "guests." I want this to be a safe space and a healing opportunity for all of us who are navigating choppy waters. The bill is being heard by the Assembly Appropriations committee on Wednesday, August 16! The committee decides what's next for the bill! NOW is the time to call! PLEASE call your Assemblymembers if they are on the appropriations committee, ASAP: click here for the [Appropriations Committee]( list Simple 20 sec sample script: "My name is______________, I am a (ie survivor/ organization affiliation) who resides in (city/zip),CA. Please pass PIQUI’S law, SB331, Rubio. Piqui’s Law will have an immediate positive impact on children’s lives. It will save lives AND save the state money." (You can leave voicemails or talk to someone live- they tally the calls.) Find your member’s name: []( -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ASSEMBLY APPROPRIATIONS HEARING INFORMATION: WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 16, 2023, 9AM (THERE ARE A LOT OF BILLS) [( To watch the hearing: [( Are you struggling to understand how to properly communicate with a narcissist (or high-conflict individual) during your child custody battle? Communication during a child custody battle with a narcissist, and more specifically, strategic communication, plays a huge role in the outcome (positive or negative) of family court cases. The reality is, most people play right into the narcissist’s trap and wind up looking like they are part of the conflict. In this course, we will discuss the following: - The Reality of Family Court (Radical Acceptance: they don’t know either of you) - Understanding Narcissistic Communication - Gray Rock vs Yellow Rock Communication - What is “The Yellow Rock Mentality?” - Decoding the Narcissist’s Communication - Strategic Communication for the Win Having a strategic mindset and removing emotions is a tall but crucial step to painting a picture of who the narcissist is — and who you are as a person and, as a parent. Link: [( TWO SPACES LEFT! I do not personally subscribe to the belief that there is always purpose to be found in pain - sometimes there are tragedies that stand alone as unexplainable and horrific. Outside of this category, there are those of us who have been through the family court system and want to ensure that our experiences were not in vain. We seek purpose and are driven to give others a hand up. We strive to be the person we so desperately needed during the darkest moments of our own journeys. It has also been refreshing to walk alongside and mentor professionals who currently work in the family court system or, in the field of mental health. I have the utmost respect for those who recognize that their formal training lacked critical information, hindering them from properly serving their clients. Over the past few years, we have welcomed family law attorneys, guardian ad litem's, paralegals, mediators, social workers, LMFTs and psychologists. One of the testimonials we received from our January cohort was from a family law attorney who said: "As a family law attorney, I thought I knew how to help clients. This course brought me to a whole different level of being able to help people." A.M. (California) This is what another recent graduate had to say about our program: "Everything about this course was excellent. The format was easily accessible to various brain styles (video, text, live calls, and inter-class communications). The actual content was so thoughtfully curated; every single lesson was readily applicable and there was absolutely no fluff. And then having the opportunity to coach a real client was invaluable. If you take the course you will be prepared to be a divorce coach of the highest professional and ethical caliber, and you will be connected with inspiring people working alongside you. It is not something you can “wing.” The effort and time is 1000% worth it." -Jamie Clarisse Apply today at [hcdivorcecoach.com/apply]( and join us for August session! [Click here to learn ALL about becoming a High Conflict Divorce Coach.]( If you resonate with any of the following statements, you would be helped by having a divorce coach on your team: - I am new to divorcing a narcissist (or high conflict individual) and I don’t want to make mistakes. - I am struggling with radical acceptance and/or managing my expectations. - I struggle with what (and how) to document. - I have been using gray rock communication and it’s hurting my case. - I don’t understand what matters to the court system and I feel lost. - I feel alone and no one understands – my own therapist seems baffled. - I am at odds with my attorney, and I don’t feel heard. - I am facing a custody evaluation and I don’t know how to prepare. - The judge sees me as part of the problem and I don’t know how to turn this around. Our high-conflict divorce coaches have received extensive training on post separation abuse. These coaches have been taught by leading experts around the world and they are trained to serve as strategy partners. Check our referral database at [www.hcdivorcecoach.com/coach]( Our position is that alienation is a debunked concept based on Dr. Richard Gardner's clinical observations, not scientific data and it is not recognized by the United Nations (UN), American Psychiatric Association (APA), the World Health Organization (WHO), National Safe Parents Association (NSPO), American Academy of Family Medicine (AAFP) or the American Medical Association (AMA). In 2022, the federal government took a firm stance by enacting Kayden’s Law which calls for evidence-based training for family court professionals, a restriction on expert testimony and limiting reunification therapies and reunification camps. Equally powerful is the stance recently taken by the United Nations, the [report is located here](. Accusations of “alienation” are employed as a legal strategy to deflect from allegations or findings of abuse. While we do acknowledge and validate that there are parents who attempt (and sometimes succeed) in turning children against the healthy parent. When this does occur, we are against utilizing any of the terminology (alienation, parental alienation, parental alienation syndrome, resist-refuse dynamic, pathogenic parenting, targeted parent, etc) that is co-opted and branded by those in the alienation industry and the fathers rights movement. We invite you to learn more about the [alienation industry and its history here](. - [Toxic: The Podcast: Episode 75: Not the Fun Kind of Camp—Family Reunification Camps, aka, Legalized Kidnappings, Are Disturbing as Hell]( - [Your Divorce Survival Guide: Exposing Parental Alienation in Family Courts with Grant Wyeth]( - [What Came Next Podcast]( - [Ms. Magazine: Remembering Catherine Kassenoff and Continuing the Fight for Fair U.S. Child Custody Outcomes]( - [What You Need to Know About Reunification Therapy (Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast)]( - [Here's the Truth About Reunification Camps (Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast)]( - [Nightline: Lala Kent and Tina Swithin]( - [Navigating Narcissism: Dr. Ramani and Tina Swithin]( - [Insider: Her son said his stepdad was sexually abusive. A judge gave the stepdad custody anyway. Then she found the photographs]( - [One Mom's Battle by Annie Kenny: Welcome to America, the Land of the Free - Unless you are the Child of An Abuser]( - [ProPublica: Barricaded Siblings Turn to TikTok While Defying Court Order to Return to Father They Say Abused Them]( - [Page Six: Lala Kent Protesting Family Court Abuse]( - [San Francisco Public Press: Family Courts Rely on Dubious Theory to Dismiss Child Abuse Claims]( - [San Francisco Public Press: Children’s Violent Removal From Santa Cruz Home Raises Calls to End Reunification Camps]( - [Good Times Santa Cruz: Teens and Lawmakers Work to Outlaw Reunification Therapy]( [Facebook]( [Twitter]( [Link]( [Website]( [Pinterest]( [LinkedIn]( [YouTube]( Our mailing address is: One Mom's Battle/Tina Swithin P.O. Box 123 San Luis Obispo, California 93406 Want to change how you receive these emails? You can [update your preferences]( or [unsubscribe from this list](. Copyright © 2023 One Mom's Battle, LLC, All rights reserved