Lemonade Wisdom 🍋 A Little Girl Named Tyler

I am sorry that I failed you and that society has failed you at such a young age. Earlier this month, my husband and I went to an outdoor café for coffee (decaf!) on a Sunday morning. I am trying to be intentional about seeking joy and so I immediately keyed into a child who was sitting at the table next to us. Like most children, she had an energy about her that I envied – as I reflected on my own daughters at this age, I started overhearing things that quickly consumed me, and deeply concerned me. In fact, I am still processing it two weeks later. After I got home, I wrote her a letter but maybe it was also a letter to my inner child, and maybe even to your inner child? Dear Tyler, You don’t know me but today I observed your interactions with your dad. I wanted to intervene so badly. I second-guessed myself and decided to remain quiet. Like you, I was taught to stay small, and to keep quiet. Every year, I make a vow to break that rule - I boldly take up more space, and unabashedly, I get louder. I want to share what I witnessed...and what I hope for you. I also want to share why I made the decision to remain quiet. My husband and I went to a little outdoor café this morning with our dog. I sat at our table while my husband was up placing our order - you were sitting at a table right next to us with your dad and his male friend. You were in a good mood, and I could hear the excitement in your voice, which brought me joy. Your dad didn’t hear excitement, his annoyance was palatable when I heard him say, “Why are you screaming? We are right here. Stop yelling, do you hear me? You are so loud.” It wasn’t just what he said, it was the tone of his voice, and how he looked at you. His words were laced with distain. I saw you get smaller and, I could feel my heart beating faster. His goal was accomplished, you got quieter and smaller. It was like watching a little spark being extinguished. I watch as two women came out of the nearby gym, excited to see your dad and they addressed you by name. Your dad lit up and changed, he was suddenly animated and happy. When they walked away, you asked, “how did they know my name?” I saw your attempt to be seen, and to feel a part of the conversation between your dad and his friend. I heard him mock you in annoyance, “What do you mean, ‘How did they know my name.’ You’ve met them before; how do you THINK they knew your name?” As his condescending words left his mouth, you looked down at your toy, unsure of how to even answer. I watched you get even smaller. I wanted to stand up and scream, “I hope her future partner doesn’t speak to her the way you do.” His words were abusive, his words were not those of a father who loves and cherishes his daughter. Yet his words would not register on the scale of what society deems as abusive, but I understand what his words were doing to you. Your dad’s words will slowly erode your self-esteem to the point that you don’t try to insert yourself into a conversation anymore, you will stay small, stay quiet, and learn to look down at your toy or your hands. Shortly after, he said something condescending that made you put up your little fists and growl at him, attempting to stand up for yourself in a playful way because that is likely the only safe way to stand up to him. I heard him say, “Do it, and it will be the last thing you ever do.” He stared you down and he was seething as if you were a grown man in a dark alley. I questioned why his friend just sat there, looking down at his phone, and ignoring the fact that he was witness to a 200+ pound grown man being verbally, and psychologically abusive to a small child. I wondered what it is like for you behind closed doors…if this is how you are spoken to in a public setting. My guess is that you are about seven years old, maybe going into second grade this year? I was once your age - and because of what I experienced in my childhood, I grew up to marry someone just like your dad. Thankfully, my dad did not speak to me this way – but I faced other challenges that eroded my self-worth and self-esteem. I want you to understand why I did not intervene; I was afraid of what would happen to you when you left. Tragically, this type of abuse isn’t recognized by our society. I am here to tell you that this type of abuse is the most deep-seated type of abuse that leaves lasting, lifelong scars. There is no one for me to call to report this type of abuse, nor would they do anything to protect you. And finally, I was afraid of causing a physical altercation because my husband was with me. I am triggered by male anger, and violence - there was a war taking place in my head about how to approach your table without making your life worse. I did not want you to be subjected to male violence and I couldn’t figure out a way to navigate this - so I stayed small, and quiet. I am sorry that I failed you and that society has failed you at such a young age. I want you to know that I see you…you are beautiful, perfect and so special. You have every right to light up the world with your bright little spark. What I hope for you: - I hope your parents are divorced because the thought of you being around this man all the time will keep me up tonight. - I hope that other adults in your life fill you with love, praise, encouragement, and support. I hope they help to ignite your spark - I hope they allow you to shine, always. - I hope you are gifted with discernment, to know that he is not healthy, he is abusive, and that his words should never become seeds planted in your brilliant mind. - I hope you are able to see yourself the way I saw you today, and the way that the adults who love you are able to see you. On the way back to our car, I passed a dad with his two young daughters. He looked kind and loving, and his daughters were happily holding his hands…I thought to myself, "that’s what Tyler deserves." That’s what all children deserve. I wish that for you, it is truly what you deserve. And finally, if your parents are divorced, and your mom ever needs a declaration written, I would be honored to write one. What I witnessed today was abuse. Please don’t let anyone gaslight you and tell you different, and please don’t second-guess yourself, ever. Sending love and light, Tina August 1, 2023 at 8 PM Pacific time I recently connected with someone who taught me how to breathe. That sounds silly, I know...but it's true! She taught me how to use my breath to regulate my nervous system. Life-changing. Because this experience was so powerful (and needed) for me, I've hired her to do a one-hour breath work session with all of you. Please join us to start the month of August off right: breathing! We will come together over zoom on August 1 at 8 PM Pacific time. I will be sharing the link and information in our private OMB chapter groups (www.ombchapters.com) to ensure that everyone joining us has been screened and that we don't have unwanted "guests." I want this to be a safe space and a healing opportunity for all of us who are navigating choppy waters. Are you struggling to understand how to properly communicate with a narcissist (or high-conflict individual) during your child custody battle? Communication during a child custody battle with a narcissist, and more specifically, strategic communication, plays a huge role in the outcome (positive or negative) of family court cases. The reality is, most people play right into the narcissist’s trap and wind up looking like they are part of the conflict. In this course, we will discuss the following: - The Reality of Family Court (Radical Acceptance: they don’t know either of you) - Understanding Narcissistic Communication - Gray Rock vs Yellow Rock Communication - What is “The Yellow Rock Mentality?” - Decoding the Narcissist’s Communication - Strategic Communication for the Win Having a strategic mindset and removing emotions is a tall but crucial step to painting a picture of who the narcissist is — and who you are as a person and, as a parent. Link: [( If you resonate with any of the following statements, you would be helped by having a divorce coach on your team: - I am new to divorcing a narcissist (or high conflict individual) and I don’t want to make mistakes. - I am struggling with radical acceptance and/or managing my expectations. - I struggle with what (and how) to document. - I have been using gray rock communication and it’s hurting my case. - I don’t understand what matters to the court system and I feel lost. - I feel alone and no one understands – my own therapist seems baffled. - I am at odds with my attorney, and I don’t feel heard. - I am facing a custody evaluation and I don’t know how to prepare. - The judge sees me as part of the problem and I don’t know how to turn this around. Our high-conflict divorce coaches have received extensive training on post separation abuse. These coaches have been taught by leading experts around the world and they are trained to serve as strategy partners. Check our referral database at [www.hcdivorcecoach.com/coach]( Our position is that alienation is a debunked concept based on Dr. Richard Gardner's clinical observations, not scientific data and it is not recognized by the United Nations (UN), American Psychiatric Association (APA), the World Health Organization (WHO), National Safe Parents Association (NSPO), American Academy of Family Medicine (AAFP) or the American Medical Association (AMA). In 2022, the federal government took a firm stance by enacting Kayden’s Law which calls for evidence-based training for family court professionals, a restriction on expert testimony and limiting reunification therapies and reunification camps. Equally powerful is the stance recently taken by the United Nations, the [report is located here](. Accusations of “alienation” are employed as a legal strategy to deflect from allegations or findings of abuse. While we do acknowledge and validate that there are parents who attempt (and sometimes succeed) in turning children against the healthy parent. When this does occur, we are against utilizing any of the terminology (alienation, parental alienation, parental alienation syndrome, resist-refuse dynamic, pathogenic parenting, targeted parent, etc) that is co-opted and branded by those in the alienation industry and the fathers rights movement. We invite you to learn more about the [alienation industry and its history here](. - [What Came Next Podcast]( - [Ms. Magazine: Remembering Catherine Kassenoff and Continuing the Fight for Fair U.S. Child Custody Outcomes]( - [What You Need to Know About Reunification Therapy (Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast)]( - [Here's the Truth About Reunification Camps (Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast)]( - [Nightline: Lala Kent and Tina Swithin]( - [Navigating Narcissism: Dr. Ramani and Tina Swithin]( - [Insider: Her son said his stepdad was sexually abusive. A judge gave the stepdad custody anyway. Then she found the photographs]( - [One Mom's Battle by Annie Kenny: Welcome to America, the Land of the Free - Unless you are the Child of An Abuser]( - [ProPublica: Barricaded Siblings Turn to TikTok While Defying Court Order to Return to Father They Say Abused Them]( - [Page Six: Lala Kent Protesting Family Court Abuse]( - [San Francisco Public Press: Family Courts Rely on Dubious Theory to Dismiss Child Abuse Claims]( - [San Francisco Public Press: Children’s Violent Removal From Santa Cruz Home Raises Calls to End Reunification Camps]( - [Good Times Santa Cruz: Teens and Lawmakers Work to Outlaw Reunification Therapy]( I do not personally subscribe to the belief that there is always purpose to be found in pain - sometimes there are tragedies that stand alone as unexplainable and horrific. Outside of this category, there are those of us who have been through the family court system and want to ensure that our experiences were not in vain. We seek purpose and are driven to give others a hand up. We strive to be the person we so desperately needed during the darkest moments of our own journeys. It has also been refreshing to walk alongside and mentor professionals who currently work in the family court system or, in the field of mental health. I have the utmost respect for those who recognize that their formal training lacked critical information, hindering them from properly serving their clients. Over the past few years, we have welcomed family law attorneys, guardian ad litem's, paralegals, mediators, social workers, LMFTs and psychologists. One of the testimonials we received from our January cohort was from a family law attorney who said: "As a family law attorney, I thought I knew how to help clients. This course brought me to a whole different level of being able to help people." A.M. (California) This is what another recent graduate had to say about our program: "Everything about this course was excellent. The format was easily accessible to various brain styles (video, text, live calls, and inter-class communications). The actual content was so thoughtfully curated; every single lesson was readily applicable and there was absolutely no fluff. And then having the opportunity to coach a real client was invaluable. If you take the course you will be prepared to be a divorce coach of the highest professional and ethical caliber, and you will be connected with inspiring people working alongside you. It is not something you can “wing.” The effort and time is 1000% worth it." -Jamie Clarisse Apply today at [hcdivorcecoach.com/apply]( and join us for August session! [Click here to learn ALL about becoming a High Conflict Divorce Coach.]( [Facebook]( [Twitter]( [Link]( [Website]( [Pinterest]( [LinkedIn]( [YouTube]( Our mailing address is: One Mom's Battle/Tina Swithin P.O. Box 123 San Luis Obispo, California 93406 Want to change how you receive these emails? 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