Lemonade Wisdom 🍋 When Fear Takes the Wheel

"I remember the first time I felt fear take hold --- and in it's grip I struggled to find my breath." Hello Warrior Mommas – When did fear take the wheel? Do you remember the exact moment? I wasn't raised to be fearful. In fact, fear was not in my father’s vocabulary. If it was, I never once saw it. I grew up watching my father struggle as a single dad – it wasn’t paycheck to paycheck; we were always a full paycheck behind and teetering dangerously close to the edge. There were several times that my dad faced homelessness. I remember being nine-years old and living in a sleeper camper on the back of an old, abandon truck at one of my dad’s job sites. In my mind, it was just another adventure with my dad. To me, he seemed fearless, proud and incredibly stubborn which served him well over the years. Life repeatedly dealt him very difficult cards, yet he never complained. At most of these difficult junctures, I was sent to live with friends or family members while my dad lived in a tent, worked overtime and saved money. Our first five years in California were incredibly challenging. Through it all, my dad expressed gratitude that we were in California where the weather was beautiful enough to live outside. My younger sister and brother came to visit us on the weekends and during many of those visits, my dad was living in a tent in local campgrounds. My sister recalls a time her friend from elementary school complained that her family never went camping. My sister proudly exclaimed, “My dad takes us camping every weekend!” My sister had no idea that it wasn’t normal camping… she didn't even know that my dad’s home was a tent during those difficult chapters because he never once complained. For much of my life, I prided myself on being a fearless, free spirit. I followed the Grateful Dead in my teen years… quite literally… while traveling in my 1975 yellow VW beetle (I vow to own another one someday). I was convinced that I found my people and I embraced life spontaneously and deeply. When I met my now ex-husband, Seth, at the age of 26 years old, he was attracted to these things about me but not in a loving, healthy way. We were opposites and while there is a saying about opposites attracting, that wasn’t what it was about. It was about power and control – it was about stealing my light and making it his own. Over time, he successfully stole my light but he was incapable of keeping the light flickering so he systematically extinguished my light and darkness ensued. I still remember the first time I felt fear take hold --- and in its grip I struggled to find my breath. Seth had taken me so far out of my comfort zone financially that I couldn’t find my bearings. It was early into what I now refer to as our “fake, fancy life,” newly married and his need for material possessions and opulence was all-consuming. When I protested, he reminded me that I was “white trash” and out of my element. Who was I to question him? I was on a roller coaster of financial instability, and he was in full control. The high for him was having everything -- yet he was so reckless that we were constantly at risk of losing everything. While the material objects were not important to me, I knew that if we lost everything…my world would get very dark and scary. Those first episodes of fear in my marriage became all-consuming – and nothing could have prepared me for the fear that took hold as I came to understand that the only thing worse than being married to a narcissist is divorcing one. Those fears grew to include fear for my daughters’ lives, fear for my own life and utter helplessness as I radically accepted the institutional betrayal of the family court system. My eyes and fears grew even wider because of our journey through the criminal justice system – everything took a significant toll on me, and I no longer recognize the person I once was. Fast forward to the present day: One of my dad’s final wishes last year was to watch the sunrise or sunset in Joshua Tree National Park. Sadly, he never got to fulfill that wish so last year my family went to Joshua Tree and spread my dad’s ashes – and over the course of a few days, we watched several sunrises and sunsets in his honor. On Tuesday morning, I was leaving Arizona after spending a couple of magical days in Sedona with two of my favorite humans (fellow advocates). It was my goal to hike out to the area we released my dad's ashes just one year ago. As I drove, I felt fear take hold. How could I possibly hike out into Joshua Tree National Park alone, it felt reckless and dangerous. I started highlighting my fear with stories and truths to back it up, and to feel justified in case I decided to opt out of my planned adventure. I reminded myself that I am very bad with directions, heck… I just got us lost twice on hikes in Sedona and thankfully, I had people with me. Now I’m going to hike alone in the middle of nowhere before the sun rises? What was I thinking, I wondered? I have seen too many scary stories on the news and it's shocking that I ever thought this was a good idea. Cannot believe I even considered hiking by myself. Just being in Joshua Tree was enough for me, I conceded while trying to convince myself. As I continued my drive, I found a rest stop to pull off the highway. It was exit 222 – named, “Wiley’s Well Road.” 222 is the number I have been seeing since my dad’s cancer diagnosis and Wiley is the name of his beloved dog. I felt comforted that my dad was with me and as I made my way back onto the highway, I asked my dad for a sign – “Dad – should I hike out to your rock? Can you give me a sign and let me know,” I asked silently. A minute later, I looked up to see a huge heart cloud in the sky. “Got it, assignment accepted.” I was committed to pushing through my fear, tapping into the person I once was, and listening to my heart. I got up early Wednesday morning and felt a mix of excitement and trepidation. What should have been a straightforward path and hike went sideways when I unknowingly started on the wrong trail. I got lost – really lost. Out in Joshua Tree, it’s not bad reception… it’s zero reception. My phone read, "SOS" and was in airplane mode. I kept my composure and powered on. I stopped to embrace the sun rising - refusing to take such a beautiful sight for granted. I tried to stay centered in the present while absorbing the powerful energy of Joshua Tree. I finally found my way back to my car and felt utterly defeated, sore (I fell in Sedona), exhausted and sad as I drove out of the park and back to the Airbnb. On my way, I called my husband to inform him of my unsuccessful hike and said, “If I didn’t have to have the rental car back at 4 PM… I would turn around, go back and try again.” Glenn assured me that we could turn the car in on the following day. I didn’t give it another thought; I flipped my car around and returned to Joshua Tree National Park fueled by determination and grit. I refused to let fear dictate my journey or continue to write any more of my story. I tried again, found the right path and reached the area where my dad rests – and when I saw his resting place in front of me, I burst into tears. I am my father's daughter and I was reminded of the importance of reclaiming our power. Even when we face setbacks and plot twists, we can rise again and pursue the things that bring us joy. I know my dad is incredibly proud of me– but even more important, I am incredibly proud of myself. I looked one of my fears straight between the eyes and I took my power back. Tina ### OMB Legal Disclaimer: We are not qualified to give legal advice, nor should this be considered legal advice. Please consult your attorney before you implement any new strategies or communication styles. Your attorney is your voice and advocate in (and out of) the courtroom. [✨] WE HAVE 7 SPACES LEFT FOR OUR JANUARY PROGRAM! [✨] We are building an army of advocates who are dedicated to protecting children and amplifying their voices. Divorcing a narcissistic or toxic individual takes the term, “high-conflict” to a level that few can comprehend. We are committed to educating the family court system that it only takes one person to create a high conflict divorce or child custody battle. A High Conflict Divorce Coach (HCDC) becomes a strategy partner for their client, getting into the trenches and assuming position as a trusted team member. Apply for the program or a scholarship: [Program Application]( [Scholarship Application]( * * We offer two scholarships per year – one for the January session and one for the August session. Scholarships are reserved for those experiencing extreme financial hardships (safe housing situation, etc.) – those who would have no other avenue to enter our program. You may apply for the program or for the scholarship but please do not apply for both. * "Tina Swithin's High Conflict Divorce Coaching Certification Program is gold. She has curated the finest experts in a whole array of topics essential to effectively coach those who are walking the tightrope of high-conflict divorces. To have all of this information in one place is a gift to potential coaches. I'm honored to be trained by the best of the best." -Denalee C. I have been uploading my own case documents to this program and I am blown away by it's ability to recap the issues and articulate the abuse in a way that would have drastically assisted me in protecting my children. If you haven't tried Aimee Says, I invite you [to click here]( and learn more. Coming in 2024: The Narc Decoder: Volume Two --------------------------------------------------------------- Divorcing a narcissist or child custody proceedings with a narcissist can feel all-consuming, demoralizing and destabilizing. Common sense and intuition calls for personal protection and firm boundaries yet the family court system demands that survivors acquiesce to the abuser. The court system itself becomes the platform for post separation abuse and the children become pawns and weapons. In a family court system that remains untrained on important topics such as domestic abuse, post separation abuse, coercive control, and victim versus perpetrator behaviors, many survivors are portrayed in a negative light as a result of their communication style. "When I first wrote The Narc Decoder in 2016, it was a much different climate in the family court system. While family court has never been a safe place for survivors of domestic abuse, the atmosphere has become even more concerning and has reached crisis level. It is inhumane for someone to be court-ordered to coparent with their abuser however, there are some harsh realities in the family court system. Healthy, reasonable parents are commonly painted as hysterical, unhinged, "alienators" so operating from a place of strategy is a critical component to protecting one's children. Protective parents are under a high-powered microscope and must navigate accordingly. I look forward to providing an updated guide for survivors who are forced to communicate with a narcissist or other toxic individual during child custody proceedings." -Tina Swithin Interested in submitting your "crazy making" communication for possible inclusion in the new addition? [Click here to read submission examples]( and to understand the format. After you have familiarize yourself, [click here to submit](. We’d like to hear about family court professionals who are NOT acting “in the best interest” of children and survivors. Link: [www.intheirbestinterest.com]( A certified high-conflict divorce coach can help you to face situations with confidence, knowledge, and strength. If you resonate with any of the following statements, you would be helped by having a divorce coach on your team: - I am new to divorcing a narcissist (or high conflict individual) and I don’t want to make mistakes. - I am struggling with radical acceptance and/or managing my expectations. - I struggle with what (and how) to document. - I have been using gray rock communication and it’s hurting my case. - I don’t understand what matters to the court system and I feel lost. - I feel alone and no one understands – my own therapist seems baffled. - I am at odds with my attorney, and I don’t feel heard. - I am facing a custody evaluation and I don’t know how to prepare. - The judge sees me as part of the problem and I don’t know how to turn this around. Our high-conflict divorce coaches have received extensive training on post separation abuse. These coaches have been taught by leading experts around the world and they are trained to serve as strategy partners. 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