Lemonade Wisdom 🍋 The "Alienation" Industry

(what it is and why we cannot use the "A word" Hello Warrior Mommas – In our world right now, there is great division. Probably worse than I have ever seen in my 50 years on this planet. I have personally witnessed and experienced fractures within the advocacy community over the past year - and it's been deeply painful on many levels. There is a BIG topic that divides us and we cannot afford this division -that is the divide between: 1. Those who use the term "alienation." 2. Those who understand why we should never use that word. Last year, I publicly drew a line in the sand. I was done arguing with people who thought I was being "silly," because I was getting "caught up on a word" or that I was being too picky about terminology. It's so much bigger than that and it's a conversation we must continue to have. Let's start with the history: Alienation is a debunked concept based on Dr. Richard Gardner's clinical observations, not scientific data and it is not recognized by the United Nations (UN), American Psychiatric Association (APA), the World Health Organization (WHO) or the American Medical Association. Gardner believed that society was too punitive when it came to adults having sexual relations with children. You read that right, and I invite you to read [actual quotes from Gardner.]( In 2022, the federal government took a firm stance by enacting Kayden’s Law which calls for evidence-based training for family court professionals, a restriction on expert testimony and limiting reunification therapies and reunification camps. Equally powerful is the [report by Reem Alsalem]( UN Special Rapporteur on Violence against Women and Girls. There is a powerful documentary that was released last year titled, “[The truth behind the experimental therapy that kids say starts with 'legalized kidnapping']( – this documentary provides incredible insight into this topic and it is a must-watch. We invite you to learn more about the [alienation industry and its history here](. Present day issues: Accusations of “alienation” are employed as a legal strategy to deflect from allegations (or findings of) abuse. We do acknowledge and validate that there are parents who attempt (and sometimes succeed) in turning children against the healthy parent. When this does occur, we are against utilizing any of the terminology (alienation, parental alienation, parental alienation syndrome, resist-refuse dynamic, pathogenic parenting, etc) that is co-opted and branded by those in the alienation industry and the fathers rights movement. This is the crux of the matter: Every time a mother uses the word, "alienation," she advances the father's rights movement. Every time a mother uses that word, she sets our advocacy efforts back and propels very dangerous people forward. The state of our present day court system is a direct result of that word infiltrating the family court system. It is getting worse and not better because of that word. If your children have been turned against you, I beg you not to use the word "alienation" to describe what is happening to you. My analogy: - My marriage was toxic and abusive because my ex-husband was a sociopath (antisocial personality disorder). - My separation was terrifying, and I ended up in the women’s shelter with my children because my ex-husband was a sociopath. - My children became pawns and weapons during our very lengthy court case because my ex-husband was a sociopath. - My case was considered “high conflict” because my ex-husband was a sociopath - I was able to successfully protect my children at year six of our family court case and at year ten, we terminated my ex-husband’s parental rights because my ex-husband was a sociopath. - Everything that happened from the time I met my ex-husband (2000) until present day can be explained because my ex-husband was a sociopath. With all of this said, I have never used the word, “sociopath” or “narcissist” to describe or label my ex-husband. As validating as that word has been for me personally and in my healing journey, I’ve never uttered either of those descriptor words in family court. I was able to successfully protect my children because I focused on his patterns of behavior – specifically, the patterns of behavior that affected my children. I documented everything – and then I documented more. If you are struggling with documentation or showcasing patterns of behavior, consider my [documentation workshop](. Many people feel they need a word to use, If you absolutely must have a word, I recommend you [read this article about CAMS](. If your children have been turned against you, I highly recommend following [Dr. Christine Cocchiola](. You can also find her on Instagram: @dr.cocchiola_coercivecontrol We must unite on this topic. We cannot afford to go backwards and we are currently going backwards and uphill. If you are upset and frustrated by the state of our court system, we must come together. We must work together to educate others about the dangers of this terminology. I beg you. Whether you are new to this journey, or a seasoned veteran… my heart is with you and I am cheering you on. I am a firm believer that it only takes one healthy parent to create an atmosphere for children to thrive and... you are that parent. You hold so much power, even when you feel depleted by this battle. This is an isolating journey but it doesn’t have to be, together we are stronger. Tina ### OMB Legal Disclaimer: We are not qualified to give legal advice, nor should this be considered legal advice. Please consult your attorney before you implement any new strategies or communication styles. Your attorney is your voice and advocate in (and out of) the courtroom. Coming in 2024: The Narc Decoder: Volume Two --------------------------------------------------------------- Divorcing a narcissist or child custody proceedings with a narcissist can feel all-consuming, demoralizing and destabilizing. Common sense and intuition calls for personal protection and firm boundaries yet the family court system demands that survivors acquiesce to the abuser. The court system itself becomes the platform for post separation abuse and the children become pawns and weapons. In a family court system that remains untrained on important topics such as domestic abuse, post separation abuse, coercive control, and victim versus perpetrator behaviors, many survivors are portrayed in a negative light as a result of their communication style. "When I first wrote The Narc Decoder in 2016, it was a much different climate in the family court system. While family court has never been a safe place for survivors of domestic abuse, the atmosphere has become even more concerning and has reached crisis level. It is inhumane for someone to be court-ordered to coparent with their abuser however, there are some harsh realities in the family court system. Healthy, reasonable parents are commonly painted as hysterical, unhinged, "alienators" so operating from a place of strategy is a critical component to protecting one's children. Protective parents are under a high-powered microscope and must navigate accordingly. I look forward to providing an updated guide for survivors who are forced to communicate with a narcissist or other toxic individual during child custody proceedings." -Tina Swithin Interested in submitting your "crazy making" communication for possible inclusion in the new addition? [Click here to read submission examples]( and to understand the format. After you have familiarize yourself, [click here to submit](. We’d like to hear about family court professionals who are NOT acting “in the best interest” of children and survivors. Link: [www.intheirbestinterest.com]( [✨] WE HAVE ONLY TWO SPACES LEFT FOR OUR AUGUST PROGRAM! [✨] A High Conflict Divorce Coach (HCDC) becomes a strategy partner for their client, getting into the trenches and assuming position as a trusted team member. A HCDC maintains strong boundaries, not crossing into attorney territory (legal advice) or therapeutic territory (mental health). The services and support of a HCDC compliments the work of family law attorneys and mental health providers. The HCDC holds a unique lens, helping their clients to see things from a variety of angles and perspectives so they are fully educated on the process. The HCDC guides the client to operate from a place of strategy versus emotion. Apply today at [hcdivorcecoach.com/apply]( A certified high-conflict divorce coach can help you to face situations with confidence, knowledge, and strength. If you resonate with any of the following statements, you would be helped by having a divorce coach on your team: - I am new to divorcing a narcissist (or high conflict individual) and I don’t want to make mistakes. - I am struggling with radical acceptance and/or managing my expectations. - I struggle with what (and how) to document. - I have been using gray rock communication and it’s hurting my case. - I don’t understand what matters to the court system and I feel lost. - I feel alone and no one understands – my own therapist seems baffled. - I am at odds with my attorney, and I don’t feel heard. - I am facing a custody evaluation and I don’t know how to prepare. - The judge sees me as part of the problem and I don’t know how to turn this around. Our high-conflict divorce coaches have received extensive training on post separation abuse. These coaches have been taught by leading experts around the world and they are trained to serve as strategy partners. 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