Lemonade Wisdom 🍋 Process Servers

(let's talk about it) Hello Warrior Mommas – I was chatting yesterday with a mom who was frustrated because her ex-husband was evading process servers, and she was nearing an important deadline. This conversation brought back so many memories for me, it’s an issue we all deal with however it gets buried under the bigger issues. On one hand, many of us have trauma from process servers or being served in general. I vividly remember the time I was in line for kindergarten drop off and a car came flying in and blocked me. My life flashed before my eyes when my ex brother-in-law (a now convicted child molester who is serving 280 years in prison) jumped out of the car and “served me” on behalf of my ex-husband who was behind the wheel, grinning from ear to ear. It’s a very sick and twisted feed for these individuals to watch trauma happen in real time. That day, his sociopathic feed tank was running over. On the other side of that coin, there are three different stories that come to mind when I think about the difficulties of serving my ex-husband during our 10 year family court journey. They can all be summed up by saying, the narcissist is his/her own worst enemy and if you give them enough rope…they will inevitably hang themselves. - Palm Springs: I had to notify him that I would be traveling to Palm Springs with my daughters for a family reunion. My siblings would be there with their children, Glenn’s parents and his children were joining us and we were all very excited. Sure enough, the day before we left for Palm Springs, my ex-husband posted a photograph of himself poolside, claiming to be in Palm Springs. My anxiety hit an all-time high. Was he really in Palm Springs, I wondered...or was he just trying to scare me? There were more questions than answers so I reached out to his younger brother who I was still cordial with (at the time). He wasn’t sure whether or not his older brother was in Palm Springs but assured me that he could find out quickly as they shared a cloud through an Apple device. He informed me that his brother was at a certain hotel in Valencia, California, which eased my mind tremendously. This confirmed his motivation and once again, I had unknowingly taken a seat on a roller coaster that he controlled. Once reality set in and I was breathing a bit easier, I had a lightbulb moment and it was shining brightly. I had been trying to serve him with paperwork for quite some time yet he was purposely evasive. With a few phone calls to process servers in Valencia, California, I found someone to go to the hotel, find which room he was in and wait to serve him. Turns out he was there for a work conference and we successfully served him with the court documents. - San Francisco: He rented one of three rooms in a $7 million mansion in San Francisco. I was desperate to serve him with paperwork for my daughters’ name change. I utilized multiple process servers who were each unsuccessful in locating him. Finally, I found a process server with a huge heart for single moms. He was a Vietnam vet and told me that he was up for the task and guaranteed that he would find him and serve him. After a week a passed with multiple failed service attempts, he told me that he was not giving up. He brought a sleeping bag and put it out on the grass lawn across the street from the mansion. Sure enough, in the middle of the night he heard “some drunk” (his words) careening down the street on a bicycle. He watched him throw the bike over his shoulder and stumble up the stairs. “Seth,” process server called out? My ex-husband flipped around, he was so inebriated that he was struggling to get his keys in the door. After posturing himself in a way that led the process server to believe he was about to swing, the process server said “Go ahead, hit me and make my night.” Seth finally got the door opened and the process server threw the paperwork inside and said, “you’ve been served.” Seth then proceeded to throw the paperwork back down the stairs. - Seth’s father’s funeral: I would like to preface the story by saying this was one I never wanted to do however, we had exhausted every option and gave him every opportunity to prevent this from happening. We were in the final stages of termination of parental rights. I had agreed to forgive $100,000 in child support arrears to secure peace and safety for my family. We had hired an attorney, and we were $10,000 deep in attorney fees, and at the final deadline to have him served so that we could proceed with the upcoming hearing. My attorney contacted Seth and informed him that we knew he was in town for his father’s funeral and that we would like to schedule a time for him to take the papers. Seth agreed to a time to meet my attorney and then, he was a no-show. My attorney called and emailed countless times and even included his mom on several of the emails, letting them know that if he was refusing service, we would have no option but to serve him at the funeral. We reiterated that we did not want to proceed this way. I begged my attorney to contact him one last time, the night before the funeral yet we didn’t receive a response. On the day of the funeral, which was being held in the Mission of San Luis Obispo, two of my friends put on their Sunday best and met in front of the Mission. The funeral service had not started and my ex was standing up at the podium reviewing his speech. My friends walked up the aisle towards him and his face lit up seeing two beautiful women approaching. One gave him a hug, offered her condolences and then said, “you’ve been served,” while handing him the paperwork. As if God himself was the conductor, the music started playing as they walked off the stage and exited the building. I stand behind what we did that day - and I would do it again in a heartbeat if history were to repeat. I've never publicly shared the funeral story - I know it will inevitably end up shared in father's rights groups, showcasing how cold and heartless I am to serve my ex-husband at his father's funeral. For starters, his father was known in two different counties as the "pervert principal," so that speaks volumes about the family as a whole. Anyone who wants to go to bat for this family, have at it. We will be sharing “service stories” anonymously on social media. Do you have one that you like us to share? Maybe it is the traumatic way in which you were served, or maybe it is the lengths you had to go to in an effort to serve your ex. I know there are some doozies out there because I’ve heard so many of them over the years. This journey can feel so isolating and hearing the stories of others can be healing and sometimes even humorous (depending on the situation). “If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry,” sometimes feels like our theme, doesn’t it? If you do have a story you’d like to share anonymously, please send it to admin@onemomsbattle.com. Whether you are new to this journey, or a seasoned veteran… my heart is with you and I am cheering you on. I am a firm believer that it only takes one healthy parent to create an atmosphere for children to thrive and... you are that parent. You hold so much power, even when you feel depleted by this battle. This is an isolating journey but it doesn’t have to be, together we are stronger. Tina ### OMB Legal Disclaimer: We are not qualified to give legal advice, nor should this be considered legal advice. Please consult your attorney before you implement any new strategies or communication styles. Your attorney is your voice and advocate in (and out of) the courtroom. Coming in 2024: The Narc Decoder: Volume Two --------------------------------------------------------------- Divorcing a narcissist or child custody proceedings with a narcissist can feel all-consuming, demoralizing and destabilizing. Common sense and intuition calls for personal protection and firm boundaries yet the family court system demands that survivors acquiesce to the abuser. The court system itself becomes the platform for post separation abuse and the children become pawns and weapons. In a family court system that remains untrained on important topics such as domestic abuse, post separation abuse, coercive control, and victim versus perpetrator behaviors, many survivors are portrayed in a negative light as a result of their communication style. "When I first wrote The Narc Decoder in 2016, it was a much different climate in the family court system. While family court has never been a safe place for survivors of domestic abuse, the atmosphere has become even more concerning and has reached crisis level. It is inhumane for someone to be court-ordered to coparent with their abuser however, there are some harsh realities in the family court system. Healthy, reasonable parents are commonly painted as hysterical, unhinged, "alienators" so operating from a place of strategy is a critical component to protecting one's children. Protective parents are under a high-powered microscope and must navigate accordingly. I look forward to providing an updated guide for survivors who are forced to communicate with a narcissist or other toxic individual during child custody proceedings." -Tina Swithin Interested in submitting your "crazy making" communication for possible inclusion in the new addition? [Click here to read submission examples]( and to understand the format. After you have familiarize yourself, [click here to submit](. We’d like to hear about family court professionals who are NOT acting “in the best interest” of children and survivors. Link: [www.intheirbestinterest.com]( [✨] WE HAVE ONLY 5 SPACES LEFT FOR OUR AUGUST PROGRAM! [✨] A High Conflict Divorce Coach (HCDC) becomes a strategy partner for their client, getting into the trenches and assuming position as a trusted team member. A HCDC maintains strong boundaries, not crossing into attorney territory (legal advice) or therapeutic territory (mental health). The services and support of a HCDC compliments the work of family law attorneys and mental health providers. The HCDC holds a unique lens, helping their clients to see things from a variety of angles and perspectives so they are fully educated on the process. The HCDC guides the client to operate from a place of strategy versus emotion. Apply today at [hcdivorcecoach.com/apply]( A certified high-conflict divorce coach can help you to face situations with confidence, knowledge, and strength. If you resonate with any of the following statements, you would be helped by having a divorce coach on your team: - I am new to divorcing a narcissist (or high conflict individual) and I don’t want to make mistakes. - I am struggling with radical acceptance and/or managing my expectations. - I struggle with what (and how) to document. - I have been using gray rock communication and it’s hurting my case. - I don’t understand what matters to the court system and I feel lost. - I feel alone and no one understands – my own therapist seems baffled. - I am at odds with my attorney, and I don’t feel heard. - I am facing a custody evaluation and I don’t know how to prepare. - The judge sees me as part of the problem and I don’t know how to turn this around. Our high-conflict divorce coaches have received extensive training on post separation abuse. These coaches have been taught by leading experts around the world and they are trained to serve as strategy partners. 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