Lemonade Wisdom 🍋 The Vows We Make to Ourselves

(are the most important) Hello Warrior Mommas – On the day I left my “fake fancy life,” I made a promise to myself (those are the most important promises we make): full transparency in all future friendships and relationships. What proceeded this commitment was a very confusing chapter of my life that spanned 10 years: my relationship and marriage to a narcissist. I am sure you can relate: everything was about image. I had been groomed unknowingly but methodically, to assist him with creating an elaborate façade. To this day, it remains one of the biggest “mind effs” of my life. In hindsight, I can see how it happened with extreme clarity. Unless you’ve lived this, you really can’t understand it. I don’t think I would even attempt to explain it to someone who didn’t already “get it.” Early in our relationship, I remember being at a social function where I shared something benign, but it earned me the silent treatment for several days. He went from hanging on my every word to chastising every word that left my mouth. Everything I said was wrong. He would overhear phone conversations from a separate room and come in and reprimand me for what I should (or should not) have said in these conversations - whether it was business or social. Over time, my self-esteem eroded. In his sick and twisted mind, he believed that I should be grateful for his guidance because apparently, I went through life offending everyone left and right while regurgitating interpersonal details that no one really wanted to hear. Can anyone else relate to this? Not only are you walking on eggshells around your abuser, but you are also walking around on eggshells in social circles and everywhere you go in the great big world. I found myself embarrassed about my upbringing and education, insecure about speaking or writing, and doing my best to shrink smaller with each passing day. With each passing year, I became quieter and more withdrawn. We had a robust social life, but the friendships were superficial and surface because I could never truly be myself. I could not share what was happening in our lives or in my own life because he had drilled into me that I was stupid and that I lacked social awareness and good judgment. By design, I found myself incredibly isolated which would be confusing to anyone who knew me at that time because we were at every party, every social function and every business event yet I felt more alone than I'd ever felt in my life. When the IRS showed up on my front porch and froze our bank accounts (and our lives) in June 2008, I discovered my ex-husband had racked up $1.6 million in debt behind my back. Over the course of six months, I lost my home, my cars, my business, my credit and my marriage. Poof! Gone. It was all a carefully crafted façade doused in kerosene that lacked a foundation - it didn’t just crumble, it exploded. When our world collapsed, I had no one to turn to - everyone thought we were the perfect couple with the perfect life. Who would believe me, I questioned? His goal from the beginning was to take away my voice and silence me. He had succeeded in many ways. On the day I watched the moving truck leaving the driveway of my fake, fancy life, en route to our new normal which included a modest rental home, I vowed to press reset on every aspect of my life, including friendships. I drew a line in the sand and proclaimed to find my voice and live authentically. While my custody battle was raging, there was an entire sub-chapter dedicated to finding my truth and grounding deep into that truth. I did a personal inventory and an overhaul in every category. That commitment to authenticity and transparency transferred over to all of you when I started the One Mom’s Battle (OMB) community in 2011. This community was my safe place and somewhat of an online journal where I shared my thoughts, fears and details about my life and family court battle. This community is where I found my voice (I often joke that I went from whispering for the first 34 years of my life to shouting from a bull horn for the past 15 years). But truly, really do miss connecting with our community on a deep and truly genuine level. I miss sharing life’s adventures, my healing journey, spontaneous insights, my daughters’ milestones and real life. What changed, you may be wondering? Over the past four years since I switched to advocacy efforts, my life has changed drastically. The work we are doing collectively is shaking things up and we are shining a spotlight on bad behavior, collusion and corruption. That can be dangerous and I take these things seriously – including my own personal safety and the safety of my family. Last year, someone posted a photo of a person in a bullet proof vest and my face was photo shopped on to the body. I have been approached aggressively at protests and I’ve been stared down inside the Sacramento State Capitol. In the past few years, we’ve had to install cameras around our house and yard and purchase a monitored alarm system. My entire family has been subjected to legal abuse and intimidation with process servers following my children and harassing them on their way to school. I understand why people only last a few years in the advocacy realm – the higher up the ladder you climb, the more you will find collusion and corruption. Mark my words, when family court industrial complex and the [alienation industry]( exposed, it will go down in history as one of the biggest multilevel marketing schemes of our lifetime. What we are witnessing is the family court version of cash for kids – children are being trafficked in broad daylight by reunification profiteers and unscrupulous professionals are using childhood trauma to create revenue streams. In my humble opinion, what we need is media exposure. We need mainstream media, we need documentaries and so much more. If you have a connection to a trusted journalist, we would love an introduction. It is the first time we are seeing journalists interested in covering the stories – we need to continue lighting fires and we need to get louder. My vow of authenticity and transparency is still intact, but it looks different than it used to. While I love (and greatly miss!) sharing my life and lessons with all of you, these “professionals” who are threatened by the spotlight (the one we are all collectively holding) have infiltrated my safe spaces –my enewsletters, my social media channels and my life. The safe spaces I have left is my community of [High Conflict Divorce Coaches]( – and within [the private groups](. We are actively creating an army of change and I am grateful to each and every one of you in this amazing community. Whether you are new to this journey, or a seasoned veteran… my heart is with you and I am cheering you on. I am a firm believer that it only takes one healthy parent to create an atmosphere for children to thrive and you are that parent. You hold so much power, even when you feel depleted by this battle. This is an isolating journey but it doesn’t have to be, together we are stronger. Tina ### OMB Legal Disclaimer: We are not qualified to give legal advice, nor should this be considered legal advice. Please consult your attorney before you implement any new strategies or communication styles. Your attorney is your voice and advocate in (and out of) the courtroom. Coming in 2024: The Narc Decoder: Volume Two --------------------------------------------------------------- Divorcing a narcissist or child custody proceedings with a narcissist can feel all-consuming, demoralizing and destabilizing. Common sense and intuition calls for personal protection and firm boundaries yet the family court system demands that survivors acquiesce to the abuser. The court system itself becomes the platform for post separation abuse and the children become pawns and weapons. In a family court system that remains untrained on important topics such as domestic abuse, post separation abuse, coercive control, and victim versus perpetrator behaviors, many survivors are portrayed in a negative light as a result of their communication style. "When I first wrote The Narc Decoder in 2016, it was a much different climate in the family court system. While family court has never been a safe place for survivors of domestic abuse, the atmosphere has become even more concerning and has reached crisis level. It is inhumane for someone to be court-ordered to coparent with their abuser however, there are some harsh realities in the family court system. Healthy, reasonable parents are commonly painted as hysterical, unhinged, "alienators" so operating from a place of strategy is a critical component to protecting one's children. Protective parents are under a high-powered microscope and must navigate accordingly. I look forward to providing an updated guide for survivors who are forced to communicate with a narcissist or other toxic individual during child custody proceedings." -Tina Swithin Interested in submitting your "crazy making" communication for possible inclusion in the new addition? [Click here to read submission examples]( and to understand the format. After you have familiarize yourself, [click here to submit](. We’d like to hear about family court professionals who are NOT acting “in the best interest” of children and survivors. Link: [www.intheirbestinterest.com]( [✨] WE HAVE ONLY 5 SPACES LEFT FOR OUR AUGUST PROGRAM! [✨] A High Conflict Divorce Coach (HCDC) becomes a strategy partner for their client, getting into the trenches and assuming position as a trusted team member. A HCDC maintains strong boundaries, not crossing into attorney territory (legal advice) or therapeutic territory (mental health). The services and support of a HCDC compliments the work of family law attorneys and mental health providers. The HCDC holds a unique lens, helping their clients to see things from a variety of angles and perspectives so they are fully educated on the process. The HCDC guides the client to operate from a place of strategy versus emotion. Apply today at [hcdivorcecoach.com/apply]( When you face situations like choosing an attorney, deciding on a mediator, or preparing for court, you may feel overwhelmed and scared of making a wrong decision. Well-meaning family and friends may try to be supportive, but without an adequate understanding of (or training in) narcissism and the family court system, you may feel more alone than ever when they try to help. Your certified high-conflict divorce coach can help you to face situations with confidence, knowledge, and strength. If you resonate with any of the following statements, you would be helped by having a divorce coach on your team: - I am new to divorcing a narcissist (or high conflict individual) and I don’t want to make mistakes. - I am struggling with radical acceptance and/or managing my expectations. - I struggle with what (and how) to document. - I have been using gray rock communication and it’s hurting my case. - I don’t understand what matters to the court system and I feel lost. - I feel alone and no one understands – my own therapist seems baffled. - I am at odds with my attorney, and I don’t feel heard. - I am facing a custody evaluation and I don’t know how to prepare. - The judge sees me as part of the problem and I don’t know how to turn this around. Our high-conflict divorce coaches have received extensive training on post separation abuse. These coaches have been taught by leading experts around the world and they are trained to serve as strategy partners. 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A judge gave the stepdad custody anyway. Then she found the photographs]( - [One Mom's Battle by Annie Kenny: Welcome to America, the Land of the Free - Unless you are the Child of An Abuser]( - [ProPublica: Barricaded Siblings Turn to TikTok While Defying Court Order to Return to Father They Say Abused Them]( - [Page Six: Lala Kent Protesting Family Court Abuse]( - [San Francisco Public Press: Family Courts Rely on Dubious Theory to Dismiss Child Abuse Claims]( - [San Francisco Public Press: Children’s Violent Removal From Santa Cruz Home Raises Calls to End Reunification Camps]( - [Good Times Santa Cruz: Teens and Lawmakers Work to Outlaw Reunification Therapy]( [Facebook]( [Twitter]( [Link]( [Website]( [Pinterest]( [LinkedIn]( [YouTube]( Our mailing address is: One Mom's Battle/Tina Swithin P.O. Box 123 San Luis Obispo, California 93406 Want to change how you receive these emails? 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