Lemonade Wisdom 🍋 Words of Wisdom

to my former self (and to YOU) Hello Warrior Mommas – Online memories… teleporting me back in time and regardless of the healing work I have done or the amount of time that has passed, I feel like I re-enter that moment. Sometimes it’s nostalgic but many times, it’s against my will and it can feel like a direct attack on my nervous system. Today was one of those days, I saw my daughters’ sweet faces pop up in a memory from May 6, 2013. Looking at it through the rearview mirror, I have a unique perspective. On one hand, it feels like yesterday and on the other hand, it is so distant that it feels like another lifetime ago. I’d like to share all the things I wish I knew at that point in time because as bright and cheery as the pictures appear, it was one of the darkest times of my life. I decided to write my former self a letter, but maybe it’s also a letter to you – to the brave momma who is desperate to protect her babies but is feeling defeated and scared.... Dear 38-year-old Tina – Today, you appeared in my memories and my heart felt so many emotions as I looked into your eyes. It was 11 years ago today and you were smiling but...I know what was behind that smile; you were exhausted, overwhelmed and your spirit was crushed. It should have been such a happy time, and you did your best to pretend for your daughters, but I know you felt heavy guilt and so much pressure. Sometimes the guilt felt crippling and all-consuming – questioning every move you’d made over the past few years made it difficult to be as present as you wanted to be…as a mom. You were in survival mode. You felt like a failure -at the most important job you had ever been given; you were sure that your daughters were being irreparably harmed and you were terrified of the future. “Inhale peace,” became your anchor and your mantra. You often visualized yourself inhaling peace, and exhaling chaos. You didn't give yourself enough credit. You did a great job of reminding yourself to be present, to stay off the “Should’ve,” “Could’ve” and “Would’ve Paths” – those paths were riddled with regret and guilt. You also had to bring yourself back from the “What If Path” – that path was lined with anxiety and fear-based thinking. None of this was productive or helpful and it was exhausting to keep coming back to center, but you knew how important it was. Sometimes it felt like your life depended on it. Maybe it did? The trip that came up in my memories was your visit to Half Moon Bay, California. To the outside world, you looked like you had it all together: just a month before, you were remarried to the love of your life; the dad that your daughters truly deserved. In many ways, you had achieved your dreams but there was a monster under the bed and he was unrelenting – threatening to destroy you at every turn. The monster was your ex-husband who thrived in the dark underworld of the family court system. The court fueled his fury– you felt the weight of the institutional betrayal. The system that should have been protecting your children was failing them and the injustice kept you awake at night. You were often awake at night preparing court documents, writing court declarations, strategizing and juggling multiple jobs. You lived on caffeine, the local barista knew your drink: “quad shot +1, please.” You were weary from a two-day trial had been set three days after your wedding - this meant that there was no honeymoon. You discovered after the wedding, that there had been a full plan in place to protect you, the girls and the wedding guests during the ceremony: the groomsmen were all concerned that your ex-husband would take everyone out during the wedding ceremony so they were armed and ready. There was ammunition stored in nearby cars in case it was needed. There was a game plan that went well beyond the wedding décor and floral bouquets, it was difficult to imagine that this was your life. Sometimes, it felt like a nightmare that you couldn't wake up from. To top it all off, you were in the middle of a custody evaluation that should have been completed months prior. The due date was January 2013, yet it was continued and continued and continued....and then continued again and again. It was hard to fully embrace a getaway with your family while you were waiting for this report; that report would detemine whether your daughters would continue to be placed in danger. The custody evaluation just three years prior had failed the girls miserably so you struggled with faith. It felt like the weight of the world was on your shoulders and everything felt out of control. You felt a deep-seated anger at the custody evaluator: why was it taking so long, you questioned time and time again? It took everything in you not to email the evaluator and tell him that he was failing your daughters. You drafted that email so many times in your head yet thankfully, you never sent it. One lesson we’ve learned (together) is that sometimes delays work out in your favor. Thankfully, that evaluation was delayed because the delays provided additional rope and we all know what narcissists do when you give them enough rope. In the stretch of time from May through July, 2013, y(our) ex-husband made mistakes that sealed his fate and protected your children. I know things felt so dark at the time and you were losing hope, sometimes faith and hope is all we have so it’s critical to cling to it. That report truly did protect your children and started you on the path to complete peace. There was a light just around that next tunnel, I am so glad you kept putting 1 foot in front of the other. What I want you to know is that you did a beautiful job – the girls are now 17 and 19-years-old, and what you didn’t know at the time: you had the power all along. You did an amazing job of sheltering those little girls from the dark reality that was swirling all around them. You took the highroad at every opportunity and that was worth its weight in gold. It was exhausting and you questioned everything but you followed your intuition and you showed them what a strong woman looked like. You lead by example and you've earned the admiration and respect of the two young women who call you "mom." There were lots of things out of your control but the things that were in your control, you rocked. Bravo, momma. Signed, Tina (now 49-years-old) ### To those of you out there who relate to the uncertainty and the darkness, keep leaning into your faith and grip onto hope even when it's a flickering light off in the distance. I see you, and I am cheering you on… now and always. Tina OMB Legal Disclaimer: We are not qualified to give legal advice, nor should this be considered legal advice. Please consult your attorney before you implement any new strategies or communication styles. Your attorney is your voice and advocate in (and out of) the courtroom. My little peanuts - 2013 AFFIRMATION CARDS FOR CHILDREN - a great activity for your children in 2024! "I know my boundaries" - When there is a toxic or unhealthy parent in the equation, boundaries are not only ignored, they can be seen as a challenge to conquer. We need to be teaching our children about boundaries - classmates, with friends, and even with adults. What are boundaries and how do we talk to our children about this important topic? This card opens that door of communication; boundaries can be emotional, spiritual, mental, physical, etc. Talk to your children about examples of boundaries. We must talk about boundaries with our children - regardless of whether they have an unhealthy parent or not. To order, go to [www.pinkfireworks.com]( Coming in 2024: The Narc Decoder: Volume Two --------------------------------------------------------------- Divorcing a narcissist or child custody proceedings with a narcissist can feel all-consuming, demoralizing and destabilizing. Common sense and intuition calls for personal protection and firm boundaries yet the family court system demands that survivors acquiesce to the abuser. The court system itself becomes the platform for post separation abuse and the children become pawns and weapons. In a family court system that remains untrained on important topics such as domestic abuse, post separation abuse, coercive control, and victim versus perpetrator behaviors, many survivors are portrayed in a negative light as a result of their communication style. "When I first wrote The Narc Decoder in 2016, it was a much different climate in the family court system. While family court has never been a safe place for survivors of domestic abuse, the atmosphere has become even more concerning and has reached crisis level. It is inhumane for someone to be court-ordered to coparent with their abuser however, there are some harsh realities in the family court system. Healthy, reasonable parents are commonly painted as hysterical, unhinged, "alienators" so operating from a place of strategy is a critical component to protecting one's children. Protective parents are under a high-powered microscope and must navigate accordingly. I look forward to providing an updated guide for survivors who are forced to communicate with a narcissist or other toxic individual during child custody proceedings." -Tina Swithin Interested in submitting your "crazy making" communication for possible inclusion in the new addition? [Click here to read submission examples]( and to understand the format. After you have familiarize yourself, [click here to submit](. Explosive documentary by Olivia Gentile: "Hundreds of children across the United States have been sent into controversial treatment programs where they’re cut off from the parent they trust and forced to live with the one they fear. This investigation explores how proponents of “parental alienation” theory have convinced family court judges to order children into these experimental reunification programs, usually during a custody battle in a divorce. The therapists claim their programs can repair broken parent-child relationships, but critics call them junk science and say they have traumatized kids." Accompanying article: "[The Backstory: Olivia Gentile: Reporting on Parental Alienation]( We’d like to hear about family court professionals who are NOT acting “in the best interest” of children and survivors. Link: [www.intheirbestinterest.com]( Divorce Coaching v. High Conflict Divorce Coaching Which career path is right for you? A Divorce Coach (DC) becomes a cheerleader for their client, providing emotional support as the client learns to traverse the new, unchartered territory of divorce and the blank pages that await them in the next chapter. Those blank pages can be anxiety inducing, so the support of a DC is invaluable. A DC asks open-ended questions, allowing the client to take the reins and lead while simultaneously tapping into their wants, feelings and core values which often get lost or neglected during the marriage. The end result is often an empowered client who is able to see the process in a new and more hopeful light. A High Conflict Divorce Coach (HCDC) becomes a strategy partner for their client, getting into the trenches and assuming position as a trusted team member. A HCDC maintains strong boundaries, not crossing into attorney territory (legal advice) or therapeutic territory (mental health). The services and support of a HCDC compliments the work of family law attorneys and mental health providers. The HCDC holds a unique lens, helping their clients to see things from a variety of angles and perspectives so they are fully educated on the process. The HCDC guides the client to operate from a place of strategy versus emotion. If you have questions, email tina@hcdivorcecoach.com. This is what a recent graduate had to say about our program: "Everything about this course was excellent. The format was easily accessible to various brain styles (video, text, live calls, and inter-class communications). The actual content was so thoughtfully curated; every single lesson was readily applicable and there was absolutely no fluff. And then having the opportunity to coach a real client was invaluable. If you take the course you will be prepared to be a divorce coach of the highest professional and ethical caliber, and you will be connected with inspiring people working alongside you. It is not something you can “wing.” The effort and time is 1000% worth it." -Jamie Clarisse Apply today at [hcdivorcecoach.com/apply]( and join us for August 2024 session! [Click here to learn ALL about becoming a High Conflict Divorce Coach.]( If you resonate with any of the following statements, you would be helped by having a divorce coach on your team: - I am new to divorcing a narcissist (or high conflict individual) and I don’t want to make mistakes. - I am struggling with radical acceptance and/or managing my expectations. - I struggle with what (and how) to document. - I have been using gray rock communication and it’s hurting my case. - I don’t understand what matters to the court system and I feel lost. - I feel alone and no one understands – my own therapist seems baffled. - I am at odds with my attorney, and I don’t feel heard. - I am facing a custody evaluation and I don’t know how to prepare. - The judge sees me as part of the problem and I don’t know how to turn this around. Our high-conflict divorce coaches have received extensive training on post separation abuse. These coaches have been taught by leading experts around the world and they are trained to serve as strategy partners. Check our referral database at [www.hcdivorcecoach.com/coach]( - ['I want them to know I'm coming to help': Phoenix father's custody case challenges 'pseudo-theory']( - [Senate Republicans Protect Arizona Children from the Horrors of Reunification Camps with SB 1372 Signed into Law]( - [AZ lawmakers move to ban ‘reunification’ treatment in child custody cases]( - [Domestic violence victims and advocates press for family court system reform]( - [The incredible tale of one mom's successful battle to be free from her narcissistic ex-husband]( - [Gains in the movement to end most pervasive violence in the world - North Dallas Gazette]( - [ABC7: Piqui's Law - named for South Pasadena boy murdered by his father - heading to Newsom's desk]( - [Insider: California legislature passes bill aiming to protect children from abusers during custody disputes]( - [Roundtable: Violence, Criminality, and Human Rights Violations in the Family Courts with Dr. Bandy Lee]( - Survivor Squad Podcast: [Part I: Money, Manipulation & Mayhem w/ Tina Swithin]( - Survivor Squad Podcast: [Part II: Money, Manipulation & Mayhem w/ Tina Swithin]( - [Toxic: The Podcast: Episode 75: Not the Fun Kind of Camp—Family Reunification Camps, aka, Legalized Kidnappings, Are Disturbing as Hell]( - [Your Divorce Survival Guide: Exposing Parental Alienation in Family Courts with Grant Wyeth]( - [What Came Next Podcast]( - [Ms. Magazine: Remembering Catherine Kassenoff and Continuing the Fight for Fair U.S. Child Custody Outcomes]( - [What You Need to Know About Reunification Therapy (Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast)]( - [Here's the Truth About Reunification Camps (Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast)]( - [Nightline: Lala Kent and Tina Swithin]( - [Navigating Narcissism: Dr. Ramani and Tina Swithin]( - [Insider: Her son said his stepdad was sexually abusive. A judge gave the stepdad custody anyway. Then she found the photographs]( - [One Mom's Battle by Annie Kenny: Welcome to America, the Land of the Free - Unless you are the Child of An Abuser]( - [ProPublica: Barricaded Siblings Turn to TikTok While Defying Court Order to Return to Father They Say Abused Them]( - [Page Six: Lala Kent Protesting Family Court Abuse]( - [San Francisco Public Press: Family Courts Rely on Dubious Theory to Dismiss Child Abuse Claims]( - [San Francisco Public Press: Children’s Violent Removal From Santa Cruz Home Raises Calls to End Reunification Camps]( - [Good Times Santa Cruz: Teens and Lawmakers Work to Outlaw Reunification Therapy]( [Facebook]( [Twitter]( [Link]( [Website]( [Pinterest]( [LinkedIn]( [YouTube]( Our mailing address is: One Mom's Battle/Tina Swithin P.O. Box 123 San Luis Obispo, California 93406 Want to change how you receive these emails? 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