A Conservative Considers Moving Abroad—But Then Gets Cold Feet

Fuck the Colosseum, I don't like old things.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Forwarded this email? [Subscribe here]() for more [A Conservative Considers Moving Abroad—But Then Gets Cold Feet]( Fuck the Colosseum, I don't like old things. [Ash Ambirge]( Oct 23   [READ IN APP](   Note: This post is satire. Everyone wants to put on a pair of snap-on windbreakers and rush off to buy a castle in Ireland, but you know what kind of problems you’re going to have if you so much as Google “multifunctional hiking pants with water-repellent finish?” BIG PROBLEMS. BIG, BIG PROBLEMS. First of all, hiking pants are for lesbian lacrosse players and guys named “Garrett.” The only acceptable forms of outerwear are Carhartt jeans and brisket-stained Champion tees, in case you ever need to hop in a tractor at a moment’s notice. Good luck getting anywhere in life wearing lightweight nylon, you pussy! Be sure to get the gusseted crotch too. 👍 Maybe someday you’ll be tall enough to reach the gas pedal. Speaking of, what is it with these cars that automatically shut off? I hate how they do this. I spent 90% of my life trying to keep engines running, why would I want one that shuts off??? This is the problem with America. No one wants to work anymore, not even the cars. This is why I’m considering moving abroad. The Europeans are in on it too, though—it’s all a conspiracy. “To reduce CO2 emissions,” they said. Yeah, okay, Lancelot—how about you reduce the emissions coming from your breath? Japan’s another one to look out for. Mazda was one of the first car manufacturers to come out with one of these start/stop systems, and you know what they named it??? Smart Idle Stop System (SISS). And you know what that’s code for, right? ISIS. I know. See? It’s all connected. You should see the stuff that’s out there on the deep web. I recently read that trees talk to each other via a secret underground network, so I went out and chopped down every last one. I’d rather have my freedom than my foliage. (Like any good American should.) Besides, this whole global warming thing is just another “woke” attempt at gaining control. You know the weather happens in CYCLES, right? The earth warms and cools itself all the time. It’s called MOTHER NATURE. A hundred years ago, it hit a record high of 131 degrees fahrenheit in Tunisia—but you didn’t see anyone freaking out then, did you? No! Because you know what they were too busy doing??? Trying to come to America. Everyone wants to come to America. And, maybe they have a point: why would I leave when I already live in the greatest country on earth? Maybe I should go and then come back illegally, so I can get free health care. Yeah. That’s what I’ll do. Joke’s on you, libtards! Maybe I’ll even take a job in a stone quarry, just to rub it in. Then when the boss tries to pay me $2/hour, I will tell him the truth, that I am an American, and we will have a good laugh and he will fire up his Quickbooks and instantly remedy the situation. Guys like these respect the American work ethic. It’s those slave laborers in China we gotta look out for. You think “fair-trade certified factories” really exist??? Only in your mind, sweetheart, right next to the microchips they planted in your brain during COVID. You know, even if I did want to leave, I’m not sure I can get on board with this whole “not speaking English” thing. But again, goes back to people being lazy. Half the world doesn’t even know how to spell there name. I tell them, “speak English, your in America!” but I’m wasting my breathe. Instead I just mutter, “You have a good day to, asshole,” because really, what do I have to loose? They ain’t gonna steal my job. You know what else they ain’t gonna steal? My mail. Did you know that tampering with someone’s mail is a federal offense? This is another reason I should probably stay. You really gotta stay vigilant out here: I frequently receive cryptic white envelopes from an unknown sender in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, and any one of them could contain Anthrax. Or a check from Ed McMahon. Or a very pressing letter asking if my family will be able to keep possession of our home in case of death or disability, all of which is very anxiety producing. How will I ever keep up with all this responsibility while traipsing through a meadow (without a gun)??? Taking another photograph of the ocean (that we have here in America)? Sipping a whiskey alongside a guy named Eoghan, who probably also works for ISIS. What is that, Arabic? Are you spying on me through the bottom of your glass? Is there a camera in there, E-I-E-I-O-GONNORRHEA??? Must be hell attending an Irish spelling bee. Eoghan, please spell “beochaoineadh.” No? Can’t? Have a great life tending bar, fuckface. The internet tells me the Irish word “beochaoineadh” means “a sad lament for someone who has gone away, but not died.” I’m marking that for use at the next Trump rally. Apparently it’s pronounced “byoh-kwee-new,” but I don’t like that because it sounds like an Olympic figure skater’s pervert father or some woke yoga lover’s line of douche. “Eat, sleep, workout, and sage!” You know, to energetically cleanse the soul of your period. Which makes me want to energetically cleanse the bowl of my toilet. But, you know the real reason I’ve decided not to go abroad? Because I don’t like old things. And, you know who’s old? Biden. He is three whole years older than Trump, and that’s OLD. And frankly, I’m against it. Therefore, I have no interest in seeing the Colosseum, or the Pyramids, or any place where I could even picture a senior citizen. Senior citizens should be banned. In fact, even getting on a plane is going to be out for me in the future, too. You know who gets on planes? Biden. And you know who tripped once getting on a plane? Biden! And I have no respect for anyone who trips. Not to mention, I’m sure a LOT of tripping happens in these foreign “countries,” what with all of that cobblestone (yet another thing that’s old). Fortunately here in America, walking without tripping is the backbone of this country. It’s one of the founding principles. All of the founding fathers could walk. They believed in walking without tripping, and therefore I, as a loyal American, believe in walking without tripping. So, the woke left can have the Eiffel Tower: it’s old and immobile. Just like Biden, who is probably walking around in a pair of multifunctional hiking pants as we speak, shaking some guy named Garrett’s hand, getting ready for a call with SISS, banding together all the senior citizens, and making America a place I want to live in again. Except that would require living. And, well, I don’t believe in that. The Middle Finger Project with Ash Ambirge is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. [Upgrade to paid]( You’re currently a free subscriber to The Middle Finger Project with Ash Ambirge. For the full experience, upgrade your subscription. [Upgrade to paid](   [Like]( [Comment]( [Restack](   © 2023 Ash Ambirge 177 Huntington Ave Ste 1703, PMB 64502 Boston, Massachusetts 02115 [Unsubscribe]() [Get the app]( writing]()