Late Night Jokes: The Fiery and the Furious

Late Night Jokes of the Week The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon - Everyone’s still talking about this North Korea situation. Last night, Kim Jong Un actually threatened the U.S. territory of Guam. When he heard, Trump said, "Oh my God — do I have any golf courses there?!" - Actually, Trump responded by saying that if North Korea threatens the U.S., it would be met with “fire and fury.” I guess he said it while he was watching a commercial for Taco Bell's new "Fire and Fury" chalupa. - I read that Trump actually gets a special folder with positive news about himself twice every day. He likes to get one when he starts working at 9 a.m., and another when he stops working at 9:15 a.m. - It came out that JetBlue may soon be able to track customer emails, phone messages, tweets, and Facebook posts — while United will break into your bedroom and read your diary. - I saw that the 2018 Winter Olympics in South Korea are now just six months away! Hopefully... - The upcoming iPhone 8 will come in metallic gold. Apple fans will wait for hours to get a gold iPhone, then immediately cover it up with a giant rubber case. - I saw that 24 New York City restaurants just made the list of the best restaurants in America. Not to be outdone, the 24 WORST restaurants in America are all inside LaGuardia Airport. [Prayer Strengthens the Brain and Helps Fight Dementia]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Conan - Wendy's is introducing a bacon burger that comes with bacon, mayonnaise, and bacon jam. A spokesperson for Wendy’s said, "And if that doesn’t work, we’ll just stab our customers in the heart." - A new report claims that the Florida coastline is rising six times faster than the rest of the world. Floridians are calling this "alarming," and everyone else is calling it "not fast enough." - Today, President Trump tweeted, "There will never be a time that we are not the most powerful nation in the world!" Trump would have tweeted more, but just then Ivanka came in with his juice box. - A new study reveals 1 out of 8 Americans is an alcoholic. However, after Trump’s comments on North Korea yesterday, it’s now 7 out of 8 Americans. - Today is Smokey Bear’s 73rd birthday. You can tell Smokey's getting older because now his motto is, "Just Let It Burn — I'm Watching 'Judge Judy.'" Tip: [How to Retire Comfortably on $2,000]( --------------------------------------------------------------- The Late Late Show With James Corden - It was announced today that the FBI conducted a raid on the home of Trump's former campaign manager, Paul Manafort. Yeah, so of course this afternoon Trump fired the entire FBI. - Donald Trump's childhood home in Queens is now listed on Airbnb and you can rent it out and stay there yourself. In the Airbnb listing the owner says, "I live in one of the bedrooms which will not be accessible to you" — which is also what Melania told Donald when she moved into the White House. - Staying in his childhood home, you could probably learn a lot about what makes Donald Trump tick. You could see the living room where his father never hugged him. The kitchen where his father never hugged him. You have the yard where his father never hugged him… ALERT: [These 5 Things Activate Cancer in Your Body]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Jimmy Kimmel Live! - I'm glad I'm here. Being on the west coast of the United States is not such a good thing anymore. I woke up this morning like "Good, OK, we're still alive." - Is anybody else on edge because of the North Korea stuff yesterday? I was walking around the house looking for things I could hide under. - I was worrying about this, and then I came up with a theory — and hear me out on this because it made me feel better and maybe it will work for you, too. Maybe Kim Jong Un is just trying to ruin Donald Trump's vacation. "Let's put a scare into him. What rhymes with bomb? Guam? OK." - While the president is at his golf club in New Jersey issuing threats, this is what's going on at the White House today — it appears to be a very large chicken display [picture of inflatable Trump-like chicken]. This is reportedly the work of protesters, which is probably not helpful right now. If Trump sees people calling him a chicken, he could wind up bombing Rhode Island to prove he isn't. - There's a story from Vice, a news story. The president gets a folder filled with positive news stories about him not once, but twice a day. If he eats his vegetables he gets a third one, too. - This is the same guy who can't be bothered to read a three-page daily intelligence briefing. But you know he's going over every word of these complimentary articles. [Prostate Size Can Greatly Affect Quality of Life and Sleep. What Size Is Yours? See This Photo.]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Late Night With Seth Meyers - Following President Trump’s threats of “fire and fury” against North Korea, Sen. John McCain has recommended that the president instead “walk softly but carry a big stick.” Which, incidentally, is how Melania keeps away from him around the White House. - The New England Patriots have become the first NFL team to buy their own planes to fly to games — while the Cleveland Browns have been downgraded to the overhead bin on Spirit Airlines. - Two Boston University students recently launched a sushi restaurant inside their dorm room. While every other student’s dorm room just smells like they did. - A California man is suing the makers of Heineken, claiming he found a gecko in his can of beer. But on the bright side, he did save 15 percent on car insurance. [Reverse Type 2 Diabetes, New Strategies Show How]( --------------------------------------------------------------- You received this Late Night Jokes email because you subscribed to it or someone forwarded it to you. Click here to [unsubscribe]( from our list. We respect your right to privacy. [View our policy](. This email was sent by: Reagan Reports for America 1501 Northpoint Parkway, Suite 104 West Palm Beach, FL 33407 USA