Late Night Jokes: Hoodie Power

Late Night Jokes of the Week The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon - President Trump gave a commencement speech at Liberty University on Saturday and he said, “Always have the courage to be yourself and chase your dreams.” Then he stopped talking because he ran out of fortune cookies. - I read that attendance at the ceremony was mandatory and booing wasn’t allowed. Which incidentally, are also the rules when you have dinner with Trump. - I guess there was one awkward moment during the speech, when Trump said that there are more job openings than ever. And the students said, “Yeah, ’cause you keep firing everyone.” - But Trump seemed pretty impressed with the graduates. In fact, check out what he said at one point. [Video of speech] “There may very well be a president or two in our midst. Anybody think they’re going to be president, raise your hand.” [End of video, cut to Jimmy] “Now, raise your hand if you can start tomorrow. Great, it’s all yours.” - Melania Trump just announced that the White House movie theater will be open to public tours for the first time. We actually have a list of some of the films that are currently playing in President Trump’s private theater. Take a look at these: First, there’s “Rocky 4 Months.” Next, we have “Wallllll-E.” Next up there’s “Fantastic Tweets and Where to Fave Them.” - Yesterday, 39-year-old Emmanuel Macron became the youngest president in French history. You can tell he’s young ’cause after they swore him in, his first words in his speech were, “So, that just happened.” - American Airlines says it’s getting rid of seat-back TV screens, because most people bring a device with them. While United’s doing the same thing on their flights, because most people just watch the live entertainment. - Some sad news here. Just came out that “Bachelor” couple Ben and Lauren have broken up. Lauren said, “I’m ready to spend some time alone again,” while Ben said, “I’m ready to date 25 women at once again.” - A new study finds that drinking tequila may actually be good for bone health. Until you try to walk around after drinking a bunch of tequila. Then that’s bad for bone health. - Two people in Arkansas were arrested for stealing $5,000 worth of Little Debbie snack cakes. They were charged with theft and I assume possession of weed. [Prayer Strengthens the Brain and Helps Fight Dementia]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Conan - Over the weekend, the world’s biggest-ever cyberattack spread around the globe infecting 150 countries. It’s pretty horrifying. Computers have been totally destroyed. In some cases, in extreme cases, people were forced to have actual face-to-face conversations. It was a nightmare. - The virus involved in the attack is called ransomware and it locks up your computer and tells you that you can unlock it by paying the hackers $300. Which is kind of insulting when you think about it, when the hackers are like, “If you want your life back, you give us … $300.” That’s it? That’s all I’m worth? My life, $300? - Now this was interesting: The virus was stopped by a computer security expert who is only 22 years old. It is incredible. It’s the first time a 22-year-old guy has stopped a virus without putting ointment on it. - It’s prom season right now, and at a prom in Memphis, Tenn., the rapper Drake made an appearance attending the event with his cousin and her date. Kind of a mixed bag though, because on one hand you came to the prom with Drake. On the other hand you came to the prom with your cousin. - According to the Social Security Administration, the fastest growing boy’s name in 2016 was Kylo, after Kylo Ren, the main villain in the “Star Wars” film “The Force Awakens.” I guess villains are popular right now. Which means a year from now, the hot new baby name is going to be Donald. - South Korea just elected a new president. And I don’t know if you saw this, one of his bodyguards is so super-hot that people on the internet are losing it. This is the security guard [shows photo]. I mean come on, ladies — that guy can debrief me any time. - I get what is going on here. The new South Korean president is kind of average-looking, you know, so why not surround yourself with someone young and hot. Did I mention Harry Styles is here all week? Tip: [How to Retire Comfortably on $2,000]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Jimmy Kimmel Live! - I hope you had a happy day yesterday. Did you remember to like all the pictures of your friends’ moms on Facebook? - I have to say I’m very proud of myself. I made sure my wife had a great Mother’s Day. I got up early. I got up at 7 a.m. I quietly slipped out of bed. I left the house, didn’t come back until nighttime. That way she could have the whole day with the kids, just her and a 2-year-old and an infant. And you know what’s weird, she didn’t even thank me. - President Trump had a message for the moms of the world yesterday. He wrote, “Wishing FLOTUS Melania and all the great mothers out there a wonderful day with family and friends.” Then he went to play golf by himself. I’m pretty sure going to play golf alone on Mother’s Day while your wife takes care of the kid is grounds for divorce, isn’t it? - Not only was it Mother’s Day, also this weekend we had the mother of all cyberattacks, the biggest cyberattack in history. More than 300,000 people and institutions in about 150 countries had their data held hostage by ransomware called WannaCry, which sounds like a new single from Harry Styles. - They’re still not sure who’s behind the hack, but I’ve noticed something that might be a clue: Any time they talk about hackers on television or in the news, the hacker is always depicted in a hoodie. And that’s the million-bitcoin question: Why are hackers wearing hoodies? Is there a dress code amongst them? Are they cold? Maybe a hoodie is their source of power. Take the hoodie away, just like that, they turn into members of the Geek Squad. - Bottom line, if you want to catch these guys, it’s easy: Hang out in the hoodie section at TJ Maxx. They’ll be there. - Sadly the president did not get to go to Florida this weekend. He had to stay back to give the commencement speech at Liberty University on Saturday, where he inspired graduates by marveling at the size of the crowds he’s able to draw. [Video of Trump] “This is a beautiful stadium. And it is packed. I’m so happy about that.” Donald Trump is the only person who can show up at an event where families come to see their children graduate and assume the crowd is there to see him. - The president, I’m sure you know, fired FBI Director James Comey last week and then tweeted this. He wrote, “James Comey better hope there are no ‘tapes’ of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press!” I don’t know, if I was Donald Trump I wouldn’t mention tapes and leaking in the same sentence. Just in case. - Lawmakers in Washington are now demanding if there are tapes, Trump turn them over. Not just Democrats, but Republicans like Sen. Lindsey Graham are urging the White House to clear the air too. Here’s the thing: Donald Trump will never release tapes because the only tapes he has were recorded on the “Access Hollywood” bus. - Although if he does have tapes, if he did secretly record the director of the FBI, that’s incredible. It’s so nutty. I mean, he’s the president. You don’t even know who to root for. It’s like when Hulk Hogan dyed his hair black and teamed up with Kevin Nash to become Hollywood Hogan. - White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer was back to work today amid rumors he could soon be out of a job. Could you imagine him and his wife sitting down to watch “Saturday Night Live” every week? [Prostate Size Can Greatly Affect Quality of Life and Sleep. What Size Is Yours? See This Photo.]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Late Night With Seth Meyers - The Washington Post this evening reported that President Trump revealed highly classified information to the Russian foreign minister and ambassador during their closed-door meeting last week. You have to be kidding me! How can you let highly classified information fall into the hands of Donald Trump? - President Trump this weekend gave the commencement speech at Liberty University. While yet again, the commencement speech at Trump University was given by a raccoon that wandered onstage. - White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said today that there is no need for a special prosecutor in the Russia investigation. Of course, this is one of those cases where it matters HOW he said it. Did he say “there’s no need for a special prosecutor,” or was it more like “you don’t need a special prosecutor to figure THIS one out.” - President Trump yesterday issued a statement calling for paid family leave. Which is a little surprising until you remember that he’s already paid two families to leave. - The New York Yankees this weekend retired Derek Jeter’s number. But a lot of women still have it. - Parents at a Florida school are reportedly outraged after a video surfaced of students in a classroom twerking and giving lap dances. Or as it’s called in Florida, Career Day. - Customs officials in Malaysia have seized over 300 tortoises that were being smuggled through the airport. Three hundred tortoises, or as it’s technically known, a McConnell family reunion. - A 101-year-old man recently became the oldest person to sky dive. At least that’s the explanation coming from United Airlines. [Reverse Type 2 Diabetes, New Strategies Show How]( --------------------------------------------------------------- The Late Show With Stephen Colbert - Well, ladies and gentlemen, I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news: The Washington Post reports that Trump revealed highly classified information to the Russian foreign minister and ambassador. Good news: Trump found the leaker. - When Kislyak and Lavrov were in the Oval Office last week, Trump apparently went off script and began describing details about an Islamic state terrorist threat. That is unbelievable — Trump has a script? I don’t believe that for a minute. I need intel on that. - The information is so sensitive, the article can’t describe in detail what was shared, but one official said, “This is code-word information.” ”Code word” means the vital aspects of the story have to be replaced with other words. You have to say things like, “The package has been delivered.” “The squirrel is in the basket.” ”The idiot is in the Oval.” - The other big story continues to be Trump’s firing of FBI Director James Comey. Every day, we learn more and understand less. Right now, everyone’s buzzing about a dinner the two shared shortly after the inauguration, when Trump asked Comey to pledge his loyalty to him. ”James, I thought we’d start with a Caesar salad, then the flank steak, then for dessert, how about two scoops of undermining the integrity of the FBI.” - People close to Comey say he refused to pledge his loyalty, but instead promised the president his honesty. But Trump pressed on, asking for Comey’s “honest loyalty.” That’s the art of the deal! ”OK, I want loyalty, you want honesty. Let’s meet in the middle at ‘loyesty.’” - We don’t know what got said at the dinner, but Trump claims Comey also said Trump wasn’t under investigation. And to make sure Comey zips the old tooth purse, Trump tweeted this threat on Friday: “James Comey better hope that there are no ‘tapes’ of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press!” That would be huge. It would be the first time a leaked tape ever made Donald Trump look good. - Nobody knows how widespread this alleged taping is. Is he recording staff members? Visiting heads of state? Is there a bootleg of Ted Nugent live in the Oval Office? I’d buy that. [Leading Heart Doctor Confirms Dead Come Back to Life, See Story]( --------------------------------------------------------------- You received this Late Night Jokes email because you subscribed to it or someone forwarded it to you. Click here to [unsubscribe]( from our list. We respect your right to privacy. [View our policy](. This email was sent by: Reagan Reports for America 1501 Northpoint Parkway, Suite 104 West Palm Beach, FL 33407 USA