Late Night Jokes: Trump Fires Mayor McCheese

Late Night Jokes of the Week The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon - It’s another setback for President Trump. Last night, a federal judge in Hawaii blocked a second version of his travel ban, and now Trump says that he’ll bring it to the Supreme Court. And if they block it, he said he’s going to bring it to the Justice League. - The travel ban was blocked by a judge in Hawaii named Derrick Watson. When asked about it, here’s what Watson said: “After consulting with another official, I decided that this ban is unconstitutional.” Then the other official [shows photo of Obama] said, “Better luck next time, sucka!” - It is almost St. Patrick’s Day. I saw that today, Ireland’s prime minister visited the White House and gave Trump a bowl filled with shamrocks. And Trump was like, “Where are the tiny marshmallows? How am I supposed to eat this without any milk?” - Trump met with the prime minister of Ireland. He even recited an Irish proverb. Take a listen to this [clip of Trump reciting]: “Always remember to forget the friends that proved untrue, but never forget to remember those that have stuck by you.” [Fallon imitates Trump:] “I do not like the judge who blocked my travel ban. I do not like him, Trump I am.” - While he was in Tennessee yesterday, Trump gave a speech from the estate of former President Andrew Jackson. Trump may have been confused because he also praised Andrew Jackson’s brothers Michael, Jermaine, Randy, and Tito. - Today was the start of March Madness. Oh, yeah! Or as a lot of husbands call it, payback for the three-hour “Bachelor” finale. - I saw that John McCain filled out a March Madness bracket for ESPN. When asked about what he feels best, he said, “I love Arizona.” When asked what pick he feels worst about, he said, “Sarah Palin.” [Prayer Strengthens the Brain and Helps Fight Dementia]( --------------------------------------------------------------- The Late Late Show With James Corden - You guys have all been watching the March Madness games — that’s why we’re on a little later tonight. So, drunk people just getting home: Welcome to the show. And senior citizens sitting down to breakfast: Good morning. - Technically right now is Friday, and that means today is St. Patrick’s Day. I read that Americans could spend over $5 billion for St. Patrick’s Day this year. Yeah, that’s JUST on bail money. - On Thursday morning, the Twitter account for McDonald’s tweeted this: “Donald Trump, you are actually a disgusting excuse of a president and we would love to have Barack Obama back, also you have tiny hands.” Who would have thought? Now it turned out that the account was hacked, but still, I’ve got to say: Ba-da-ba-ba-bah, I’m lovin’ it. - Even though McDonald’s deleted the tweet and issued a retraction, the White House is furious. And they are already calling for Mayor McCheese to step down. - Meanwhile, yesterday Trump’s Attorney General Jeff Sessions referred to marijuana as, quote, “only slightly less awful than heroin.” Only slightly less awful — I mean, is he on crack? - Workers at a Goodwill store in Washington state got a big surprise when they opened a donated cooler and inside they found $24,000 worth of marijuana. GOODwill? More like AWESOMEwill. - There were five giant bags of marijuana in the cooler. And when he found them, the Goodwill worker immediately turned over the three bags he found to the police. The police then gave the 1 ounce of marijuana they found to the chief, who went to the commissioner and said, “Look, we found a joint!” ALERT: [These 5 Things Activate Cancer in Your Body]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Jimmy Kimmel Live! - There’s a lot of lead-up to March Madness, but for half the teams, the tournament ends very abruptly. Sixteen teams were eliminated today. Maybe you wanted to win, but the good news is, now you get to return to your studies. Which is why you go to college in the first place. - They say American businesses will lose more than $2 billion in productivity because of the tournament. If that’s true, we should probably get rid of it, right? Can you imagine if Donald Trump canceled the NCAA tournament? Then we’d see some marches. - President Trump released his proposed budget today. The title of the budget is “America First: A Budget Blueprint to Make America Great Again.” Seems like maybe while they were cutting things, they could have cut a few words out of the title. - There are a lot of cuts in the plan. PBS, Meals on Wheels, the National Endowment for the Arts would be cut. The guy who has three oil paintings of himself in his bathroom wants to cut the National Endowment for the Arts. Meals on Wheels is out, but don’t worry, the golf trips to Mar-a-Lago every weekend, those will not stop. - Before he gets rid of “Sesame Street,” I think we should make the president watch it a couple of times. That show teaches so many things he needs to know — which thing is bigger than the other, how to spell, the importance of telling the truth and sharing, listening to others, maybe throw in some “Schoolhouse Rock” — he can find out how government works. - Meanwhile, a federal judge in Hawaii blocked the president’s new travel ban, which is supposed to have gone into effect at midnight. That is really amazing to me — they have judges in Hawaii? - In Monroe, Washington, there’s a mystery to be solved. Someone made a very unique donation to the Goodwill store up there — a cooler containing five large bags of marijuana, weighing a total of 60 ounces. Almost four pounds, like $20,000 worth of pot, was left in; they assume it was left in there by mistake. What are the odds a pot smoker would forget he stashed weed in a cooler? - The live action version of “Beauty and the Beast” opens tomorrow. It’s the story of a beautiful woman from a small village who falls for a selfish, disgusting monster who lives in a palace filled with gold. Melania Trump is calling it the feel-good movie of the year. [Prostate Size Can Greatly Affect Quality of Life and Sleep. What Size Is Yours? See This Photo.]( --------------------------------------------------------------- Late Night With Seth Meyers - Today was the start of March Madness. That’s right, President Trump released his new budget today. - President Trump’s proposed budget would cut funding for public broadcasting. Which may explain why Elmo is turning tickles on the street now. - McDonald’s said today its corporate Twitter account had been hacked after a tweet went out calling President Trump a “disgusting excuse of a president.” I guess breakfast isn’t the ONLY thing they’re serving all day. - Hillary Clinton is reportedly still considering a run for mayor of New York City. And, weirdly, this time she IS campaigning in Michigan and Wisconsin. Fool me once, right? - At a rally in Nashville yesterday, President Trump said his first two months in office were the most productive ever for a president. I don’t know [shows photo of Trump golfing], it seems like his first two months in office were only about one month in office. - President Trump yesterday suggested that Chief of Staff Reince Priebus might someday run a car company. Oh my God, does Trump think his name is Prius? - In an interview yesterday with Fox News, President Trump said he might not be president if it wasn’t for Twitter. Dude, you said that to Fox News? That’s like telling your dad that your hero is your friend’s dad. - Researchers are claiming that short men are more likely to go bald. Added one researcher on the study [shows photo of bald infants], “Uh, Rick, I’m pretty sure those are babies.” - New Jersey authorities are searching for a suspect who cut a hole in the wall of a Dunkin’ Donuts and stole a safe. “Oh, man, there’s only cash in here,” said Chris Christie. [Reverse Type 2 Diabetes, New Strategies Show How]( --------------------------------------------------------------- You received this Late Night Jokes email because you subscribed to it or someone forwarded it to you. Click here to [unsubscribe]( from our list. We respect your right to privacy. [View our policy](. This email was sent by: Reagan Reports for America 1501 Northpoint Parkway, Suite 104 West Palm Beach, FL 33407 USA