Late Night Jokes: Raining on Trump's Parade

Late Night Jokes of the Week The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon - Donald Trump’s inaugural committee is actually encouraging protesters to show up on Friday, saying, quote, “We’ll give you cookies and Kool-Aid.” Then Republicans in Congress were like, “Actually, we drank all the Kool-Aid.” - On Sunday, a Facebook Live video of Pittsburgh Steelers coach Mike Tomlin trash talking the New England Patriots went viral. But Patriots coach Bill Belichick didn’t seem too bothered by it, telling a Boston radio station, quote, “I’m not on SnapFace and all that.” SnapFace? - Belichick went on to say, “If Tomlin wants to come at me on Instagoogle, that’s his business. We’ll settle this on the field, not Skypee, MyFace, or TubeBook. But please follow me on Pinterest for tips on how to update your home interiors for spring! ’K Byee!” Emergency Preparedness: [Top Tips From Survivalists] --------------------------------------------------------------- Conan - It’s expected to rain in Washington during Donald Trump’s inauguration. In response, Donald Trump tweeted, “The sky is rigged.” - It’s rumored that Donald Trump’s transition team is paying seat fillers to attend his inauguration. Just a word of advice to the Trump seat-fillers: Make sure you get paid up front, OK? Get the cash. - Donald Trump said after he’s sworn into office on Friday, he’s going to take the weekend off. Unless, of course, he has to deal with a national emergency or a “Saturday Night Live” sketch. It could go either way. - It was announced that Alex Rodriguez will host a reality TV show featuring former athletes who are now broke. Or as that’s already known, “Dancing With the Stars.” Tip: [How to Retire Comfortably on $2,000] --------------------------------------------------------------- The Late Late Show With James Corden - It was announced that the B Street Band — a Bruce Springsteen cover band — that was booked for an inauguration gala has since decided to cancel out of respect for Springsteen’s opposition to Donald Trump. You know it’s bad when even a cover band is like, “We don’t want to compromise our artistic integrity like that.” - The celebrities attending are so non-famous, they’d probably get cast on “Celebrity Apprentice.” - Maybe a Springsteen cover band canceling is all for the best. “Born in the USA” would have been an insensitive song to play at a party celebrating a campaign that was actually born in Russia. - Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey circus have announced they’re shutting down in May after 146 years. I get why their business is failing. It’s hard for Ringling Bros. to claim to be “the greatest show on Earth” when we all know the greatest show on Earth is “The Bachelor.” ALERT: [These 5 Things Activate Cancer in Your Body] --------------------------------------------------------------- Late Night With Seth Meyers - Donald Trump will be sworn in as president this Friday at 12 noon. That’s when the big hand is on the 12, and the little hand is on the Bible. - Today was first lady Michelle Obama’s birthday. And for the eighth year in a row, an overexcited Joe Biden blew out her candles. - A Russian billionaire reportedly paid over $4 million to have Mariah Carey and Sir Elton John perform at his teenage granddaughter’s wedding. Said his teenage granddaughter, “Who are these people?” - A female zebra shark in Australia has shocked researchers by developing the ability to produce offspring asexually, after spending time away from her male partner. And she says that so far he’s buying it! [Reverse Type 2 Diabetes, New Strategies Show How] --------------------------------------------------------------- The Late Show With Stephen Colbert - We are just three days away from Donald Trump’s inauguration, and just two days away from all those time travelers coming back to stop him. Or not. - So Trump might want to put in some more hours just to get his popularity up. He’s got the lowest approval rating of any incoming president in modern history. But, hey, it’s not a popularity contest. And neither was the election. - Right now, Donald Trump has 40 percent favorable, whereas on his Inauguration Day, Barack Obama’s favorability rating was 79 percent. But he was the first black president, and if America’s known for anything, it’s giving black men the benefit of the doubt. - Evidently, any bad news for Trump is rigged. If it rains on Inauguration Day, he’ll tweet, “Fake weather. Clouds are rigged. Apologize!” - Even Trump’s staunchest supporters are starting to have doubts because, evidently, white nationalists are already losing faith in the president-elect. That is so sad. I mean, they’ve gone from “Heil!” to “Huh?” - One of Trump’s picks may not even make it to his hearing because labor secretary candidate Andy Puzder is reportedly voicing second thoughts about his nomination. Puzder is the CEO of Hardee’s and Carl’s Jr., so it makes sense that he’s having second thoughts. After all, that’s the Hardee’s slogan, “Hardee’s — are you sure about this?” - According to one Republican source, Puzder “may be bailing because he is not into the pounding he is taking, and the paperwork.” The pounding and the paperwork — it’s the same reason I didn’t like middle school. Sounds like the secretary of labor doesn’t want to labor that hard. 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