Late Night Jokes: Debate Preparation H

Late Night Jokes of the Week The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon - Everyone’s talking about tonight’s big debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. It was the first chance Americans got to see Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump debate at the same time. But, more importantly, it was the first chance Americans got to mute both of them at the same time. - The debate was actually split into several themes. America’s direction, America’s prosperity, America’s security, and then strangely “America’s ninja warrior.” - Tonight’s debate was shown on almost every channel, including NBC, ABC, Fox, CBS, CNN, Univision and C-SPAN. When he heard how many TV channels he’d be on at once, Donald Trump actually tried to stay home and watch. He was like, “I’ve never been more popular.” - There were actually 1,000 people in the audience tonight and they were instructed not to applaud or cheer during the debate. As people watching were like, “What about sobbing? Can we quietly sob?” - In addition to costumes, they also banned balloons and drones. Which explains why Trump uninvited Chris Christie and Ben Carson. - A lot of celebrities are sharing their views of the election. In an interview with Rolling Stone, Bruce Springsteen called Trump a moron. Which is why now Trump’s starting a rumor that Springsteen wasn’t really born in the USA. - A man in Florida is in jail after he was spotted riding a manatee and dared cops to arrest him. Maybe it’s just me, but if you dare cops to arrest you, try to be on a faster animal than a manatee. [Prayer Strengthens the Brain and Helps Fight Dementia] --------------------------------------------------------------- Conan - Hillary Clinton has asked “Shark Tank’s” Mark Cuban to attend tonight’s debate. Trump was furious and said, “A billionaire reality star has no business being at a presidential debate.” - A new study says men who have more sex are more likely to pray. Especially if they forgot to use birth control. - On Friday, Donald Trump added more names to his list of potential candidates for the Supreme Court. So congratulations to Judge Judy and Dog the Bounty Hunter. - Facebook is expanding its campaign to combat online hate speech. In other words, Facebook is shutting down. - Scientists now say life on Earth may have started after an accidental mashup between DNA and RNA. When asked for comment, Larry King said, “That was one crazy weekend, man.” - Before tonight’s debate, President Obama told Hillary Clinton, “Be yourself.” Then Obama told Donald Trump, “Please, please, please be yourself.” Tip: [How to Retire Comfortably on $2,000] --------------------------------------------------------------- The Late Late Show With James Corden - Tonight was the first presidential debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton and honestly, I meant to watch it, I really did, but right before the debate aired, I was flipping through my DVR and I ended up watching this show called “MacGyver.” - It is a reboot of the ’80s show. Well, it has everything. It has action. It has adventure. He made a parachute out of the canopy of a truck! [Clip voiceover] “Take one canvas, add some tie-downs, a little wind resistance, you got yourself a parachute.” I mean sure, he got hit by a car afterwards, but it was still awesome. - There were lots of controversies leading up to these debates, like when Donald Trump accused NBC’s debate moderator Lester Holt of bias, stating that he was a Democrat when in fact, Lester Holt has been a registered Republican the whole time. This is just like how MacGyver thought his girlfriend Nikki Carpenter was a good guy when actually she was a double agent working for the terrorists the whole time. - Based on the post-debate analysis, it sounded like Donald Trump as usual spent a lot of time deflecting the tough questions. Kind of like how MacGyver deflected those bullets with a drink tray. [shows clip] We just knew the waiters happened to be using reinforced stainless steel to serve their cocktails. - Now there is the big question of how the candidates are going to deal with the threat of terrorism. Trump says Hillary is soft on terror. Hillary says Trump has no experience with it. I mean the truth is there is only one person who has a plan for how to effectively deal with terror — and that’s MacGyver’s sidekick Jack Dalton. [shows clip of sniper Dalton taking out terrorists]. Jack Dalton is a real straight shooter. - Unlike Donald Trump who has been caught in a lot of lies lately. He lied about his stance on the Iraq War, his charitable donations. If you are a Republican, I know what you are thinking: If this guy is the hero, it’s not looking good. Which is kind of like something I saw on “MacGyver.” [clip voiceover as MacGyver is shot in the chest] “Yeah, I know what you’re thinking: If this guy’s the hero, it’s not looking good.” OK, it’s EXACTLY like something I saw on “MacGyver.” ALERT: [These 5 Things Activate Cancer in Your Body] --------------------------------------------------------------- Jimmy Kimmel Live! - Tonight the main event from Hofstra University in Hempstead, New York: Donald Trump vs. Hillary Clinton in the first of three presidential debates. It was a long 90 minutes. But the results are in and not a single voter changed their mind. A huge waste of time. It’s very hard to believe that there are still undecided voters. The choice is pretty orange-and-white. - This was expected to be the most-watched debate ever. The ratings were expected to rank up with the finale of “Cheers,” the finale of “M.A.S.H.” Makes sense, in a way this election feels like the series finale of America. - The experts said in order to win, Hillary Clinton had to project an image of competence, experience, wisdom, health, and vitality, without coming off as angry, bookish, or overbearing. Donald Trump had to not mention his [genitals]. [Prostate Size Can Greatly Affect Quality of Life and Sleep. What Size Is Yours? See This Photo.] --------------------------------------------------------------- Late Night With Seth Meyers - After tonight’s debate, several Fox News analysts said that Hillary Clinton was the clear winner. So maybe global warming IS a hoax because hell has frozen over. - Pundits are noting that this year’s group of debate moderators is the most diverse in history, featuring an African-American, two women, a Filipino, and an openly gay man. Trump was like, “I think I’ve heard this one before, but go ahead.” - Ahead of tonight’s debate, Hillary Clinton posted an article on Twitter pointing out that no living president has endorsed Donald Trump. Nice try, Hillary, but it just so happens that Vladimir Putin is living. - Madonna reportedly bought her son a Donald Trump piñata this weekend to celebrate his birthday. A Donald Trump piñata is just like a regular piñata, except there’s nothing inside. - Green Party candidate Jill Stein was escorted off the Hofstra University campus this afternoon after she tried to talk to reporters outside of tonight’s debate without proper credentials. As she was being dragged away by police she shouted, “Don’t you know who I am?” and they said, “No. No one does.” [Reverse Type 2 Diabetes, New Strategies Show How] --------------------------------------------------------------- The Late Show With Stephen Colbert - Not only is this audience alive tonight, but we are live broadcasting from the Ed Sullivan Theater. Live means in the excitement of the moment, if I make a mistake, it can never be taken back. I would like you to keep that in mind, when you go vote this next November. Never can be taken back. - We all just watched Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton debate for an hour and a half. Coming into tonight’s debate, Democrats have not been this nervous since Anthony Weiner asked to borrow their phone. - The expectations for the two sides were very different. For Hillary to win, she had to be confident, not smug, and knowledgeable without being know-it-all, charming but not affected, commanding but not shrill, also likable, warm, authoritative and not coughing. - Meanwhile, Donald Trump had to not commit murder — on camera. - And that low bar was reflected in Donald Trump’s debate prep. Instead of doing a bunch of mock debates, the word is that he sat down with friends over bacon cheeseburgers, hot dogs and glasses of Coca-Cola and tested out zingers. He may not have prepared, but it also LOOKED like he didn’t. - Meanwhile, Hillary was so prepared, my new nickname for her is Preparation H. Yeah, it’s a compliment. In the primaries, she already proved she could “soothe the Bern.” - Of course, it did not take long for one of these two candidates to tell a lie. [clip of Hillary saying, “Donald, it’s good to be with you.”] False! Where are the fact-checkers? Pinocchio! - The debate was moderated by NBC’s Lester Holt, which makes sense since he hosted “Dateline” and is used to two rich white people who want to murder each other. [Leading Heart Doctor Confirms Dead Come Back to Life, See Story] --------------------------------------------------------------- You received this Late Night Jokes email because you subscribed to it or someone forwarded it to you. Click here to [unsubscribe] from our list. We respect your right to privacy. [View our policy]. This email was sent by: Reagan Reports for America 1501 Northpoint Parkway, Suite 104 West Palm Beach, FL 33407 USA