Opinion Today: A skeptical look at self-care

Pooja Lakshmin and Tressie McMillan Cottom talk about why self-care overpromises and underdelivers. [View in browser](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRm8VjoP4QpAWh0dHBzOi8vbWVzc2FnaW5nLWN1c3RvbS1uZXdzbGV0dGVycy5ueXRpbWVzLmNvbS90ZW1wbGF0ZS9vYWt2Mj9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD0zOSZlbWM9ZWRpdF90eV8yMDIzMDkyMyZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD0xMDMzMjMmbmw9b3Bpbmlvbi10b2RheSZwcm9kdWN0Q29kZT1UWSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTQ1NTI0JnRlPTEmdXJpPW55dCUzQSUyRiUyRm5ld3NsZXR0ZXIlMkYzMzgwYWEwMy00ZmY2LTU5MmMtYWMxYS01NzZlM2M3NmExMDkmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpk-ujTDmUoVNPNUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAM~)|[nytimes.com](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRm8VjoP0SxaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTM5JmVtYz1lZGl0X3R5XzIwMjMwOTIzJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTEwMzMyMyZubD1vcGluaW9uLXRvZGF5JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xNDU1MjQmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmT66NMOZShU081SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAw~~)[Continue reading the main story](#a11y-skip-ad-marquee) [Marquee Ad](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRm8VjoP0SYaHR0cHM6Ly9saXZlaW50ZW50Lm5ld3lvcmt0aW1lc2luZm8uY29tL2NsaWNrP3M9MTYyMTM5JmxpPVRZJm09YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDcmcD1UWV8yMDIzMDkyMyZ0ZT0xJm5sPW9waW5pb24tdG9kYXkmZW1jPWVkaXRfdHlfMjAyMzA5MjNXA255dEIKZPro0w5lKFTTzVIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAD) [Read more from Opinion](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRm8VjoP0TAaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vc2VjdGlvbi9vcGluaW9uP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTM5JmVtYz1lZGl0X3R5XzIwMjMwOTIzJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTEwMzMyMyZubD1vcGluaW9uLXRvZGF5JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xNDU1MjQmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmT66NMOZShU081SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAw~~) September 23, 2023 The Catch-22 of self-care becoming big business is that taking time to refuel, recharge and reconnect as self-care asks of us ends up feeling like just another chore, the kind that led us to burnout in the first place. Courtesy of Pooja Lakshmin [Author Headshot](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRm8VjoP0TLaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vYnkvdHJlc3NpZS1tY21pbGxhbi1jb3R0b20_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9MzkmZW1jPWVkaXRfdHlfMjAyMzA5MjMmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9MTAzMzIzJm5sPW9waW5pb24tdG9kYXkmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTE0NTUyNCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKZPro0w5lKFTTzVIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAD) By [Tressie McMillan Cottom](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRm8VjoP0TLaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vYnkvdHJlc3NpZS1tY21pbGxhbi1jb3R0b20_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9MzkmZW1jPWVkaXRfdHlfMjAyMzA5MjMmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9MTAzMzIzJm5sPW9waW5pb24tdG9kYXkmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTE0NTUyNCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKZPro0w5lKFTTzVIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAD) The politics of self-care is a tangled web of American narratives as complex as the nation that produced them. There is the puritanical impulse to rest only if it can be done as a conspicuous act of work. Then there is the consumerist impulse to adopt self-care rituals through buying and performing their accouterments — the candles, retreats, journals, influencers and moral superiority. There is also the radical history of self-care in which marginalized people resist their oppression by focusing on their own sustenance. Treating themselves as whole beings, deserving of care, as the oft-quoted Audre Lorde says, is “not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” Only in America could one branded term include everything from Goop to Lorde. I have lived a life where caring for myself seemed not revolutionary but impossible, a cruel joke. How could I focus on sleep rituals, deep breathing and being in community when I had student loans to pay and multiple jobs to work? Today, I am the target customer for the self-care consumer market. My inbox is flush with offers of cleanses and movement therapy that promise to bring balance into my life for a price. If it is possible, self-care feels like a crueler joke now that I can afford more of it. To say that I am cynical about self-care’s many promises in our consumer-saturated culture is an understatement. When I read Pooja Lakshmin’s book, “Real Self-Care,” I was prepared to fight. But a shaman at a walking meditation once told me that what we desire is always hiding behind what we resist. The truth is, I want to believe in the kind of real self-care that people talk about achieving in rituals and found families. It promises something that feels like an antidote to the very thing that has perverted self-care: community. [Continue reading the main story](#a11y-skip-universal-0) ADVERTISEMENT [Ad](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRm8VjoP0SXaHR0cHM6Ly9saXZlaW50ZW50Lm5ld3lvcmt0aW1lc2luZm8uY29tL2NsaWNrP3M9NTk3ODUmbGk9VFkmbT1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkNyZwPVRZXzIwMjMwOTIzJnRlPTEmbmw9b3Bpbmlvbi10b2RheSZlbWM9ZWRpdF90eV8yMDIzMDkyM1cDbnl0Qgpk-ujTDmUoVNPNUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAM~) Pooja is an ideal person for me to be honest with about my cynicism and my secret hope for self-care that delivers. She has been there, and like me, she has failed miserably in her seeking. She does not sugarcoat the structural limitations of buying a dopamine fix. She has a plan, however, for the ongoing work of weaning ourselves off the quick hit of what she calls “easy self-care.” I talked with Pooja on [this week’s episode](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRm8VjoP0TqaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMy8wOS8xOS9vcGluaW9uL2V6cmEta2xlaW4tcG9kY2FzdC1wb29qYS1sYWtzaG1pbi5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTM5JmVtYz1lZGl0X3R5XzIwMjMwOTIzJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTEwMzMyMyZubD1vcGluaW9uLXRvZGF5JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xNDU1MjQmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmT66NMOZShU081SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAw~~) of “The Ezra Klein Show,” which I guest-hosted, about why it promises so much and delivers so little. In the end, I felt a little bit more normal for being cynical, and hopeful that there is a better way to live. What Our Readers Are Saying As someone who has succeeded in making a massive change in the way I feel about myself, I embrace the idea that “self-care” is ultimately propelled by internal work. But this work requires deep exploration and a commitment to face whatever pain you may come across. It takes a high degree of rationality to guide yourself through that kind of introspection, in addition to respect for your own dignity. — [Rob Abiera, Oklahoma City](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRm8VjoP0TBaHR0cHM6Ly9ueXRpLm1zLzQ4b0w0bUQ_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9MzkmZW1jPWVkaXRfdHlfMjAyMzA5MjMmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9MTAzMzIzJm5sPW9waW5pb24tdG9kYXkmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTE0NTUyNCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDcjcGVybWlkPTEyNzgzMjc2MFcDbnl0Qgpk-ujTDmUoVNPNUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAM~) The “wellness” industry has nothing to do with self-care. It has nothing to do with female empowerment. It is the antithesis of feminism. Wellness preys upon women’s insecurity about their looks mostly and the realization that despite feminist rhetoric women are still not considered rulers of the universe. Wellness offers smoke and mirrors along with jade eggs and oatmeal cleanses for big bucks. — [Ambimom, North New Jersey](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRm8VjoP0TBaHR0cHM6Ly9ueXRpLm1zLzNQbndCaTE_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9MzkmZW1jPWVkaXRfdHlfMjAyMzA5MjMmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9MTAzMzIzJm5sPW9waW5pb24tdG9kYXkmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTE0NTUyNCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDcjcGVybWlkPTEyNzg0NTcwOFcDbnl0Qgpk-ujTDmUoVNPNUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAM~) [Listen to the episode](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRm8VjoP0TqaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMy8wOS8xOS9vcGluaW9uL2V6cmEta2xlaW4tcG9kY2FzdC1wb29qYS1sYWtzaG1pbi5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTM5JmVtYz1lZGl0X3R5XzIwMjMwOTIzJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTEwMzMyMyZubD1vcGluaW9uLXRvZGF5JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xNDU1MjQmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmT66NMOZShU081SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAw~~) and join the conversation [in the comments](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRm8VjoP0T8aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMy8wOS8xOS9vcGluaW9uL2V6cmEta2xlaW4tcG9kY2FzdC1wb29qYS1sYWtzaG1pbi5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTM5JmVtYz1lZGl0X3R5XzIwMjMwOTIzJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTEwMzMyMyZubD1vcGluaW9uLXRvZGF5JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xNDU1MjQmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3I2NvbW1lbnRzQ29udGFpbmVyVwNueXRCCmT66NMOZShU081SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAw~~). [[Article Image] Courtesy of Pooja Lakshmin](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRm8VjoP0TqaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMy8wOS8xOS9vcGluaW9uL2V6cmEta2xlaW4tcG9kY2FzdC1wb29qYS1sYWtzaG1pbi5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTM5JmVtYz1lZGl0X3R5XzIwMjMwOTIzJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTEwMzMyMyZubD1vcGluaW9uLXRvZGF5JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xNDU1MjQmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmT66NMOZShU081SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAw~~) [Boundaries, Burnout and the ‘Goopification’ of Self-Care The psychiatrist Pooja Lakshmin argues that real self-care is about embracing internal work — not checking something off a to-do list. By ‘The Ezra Klein Show’](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRm8VjoP0TqaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMy8wOS8xOS9vcGluaW9uL2V6cmEta2xlaW4tcG9kY2FzdC1wb29qYS1sYWtzaG1pbi5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTM5JmVtYz1lZGl0X3R5XzIwMjMwOTIzJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTEwMzMyMyZubD1vcGluaW9uLXRvZGF5JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xNDU1MjQmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmT66NMOZShU081SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAw~~) THE WEEK IN BIG IDEAS [[Article Image] The New York Times](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRm8VjoP0TzaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vaW50ZXJhY3RpdmUvMjAyMy8wOS8xOC9vcGluaW9uL2h1bWFuLXBvcHVsYXRpb24tZ2xvYmFsLWdyb3d0aC5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTM5JmVtYz1lZGl0X3R5XzIwMjMwOTIzJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTEwMzMyMyZubD1vcGluaW9uLXRvZGF5JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xNDU1MjQmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmT66NMOZShU081SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAw~~) [All of the Predictions Agree on One Thing: Humanity Peaks Soon Most people now live in countries where two or fewer children are born for every two adults. By Dean Spears](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRm8VjoP0TzaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vaW50ZXJhY3RpdmUvMjAyMy8wOS8xOC9vcGluaW9uL2h1bWFuLXBvcHVsYXRpb24tZ2xvYmFsLWdyb3d0aC5odG1sP2NhbXBhaWduX2lkPTM5JmVtYz1lZGl0X3R5XzIwMjMwOTIzJmluc3RhbmNlX2lkPTEwMzMyMyZubD1vcGluaW9uLXRvZGF5JnJlZ2lfaWQ9Nzc2NzQ5NTImc2VnbWVudF9pZD0xNDU1MjQmdGU9MSZ1c2VyX2lkPWFhNDkxZWY3ZjFkOTY0ZTQ5NzlmYjc4NGU3NGUwMWQ3VwNueXRCCmT66NMOZShU081SG3RyaXN0cmFtYmFsZHdpbjkwQGdtYWlsLmNvbVgEAAAAAw~~) [[Article Image] Timo Lenzen](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRm8VjoP0TgaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMy8wOS8xOC9vcGluaW9uL3RydW1wLWVsb24tbXVzay10d2l0dGVyLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9MzkmZW1jPWVkaXRfdHlfMjAyMzA5MjMmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9MTAzMzIzJm5sPW9waW5pb24tdG9kYXkmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTE0NTUyNCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKZPro0w5lKFTTzVIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAD) [GUEST ESSAY Trump Attacked Me. Then Musk Did. It Wasn’t an Accident. Yoel Roth argues that his experiences being attacked by Trump and Musk were part of a greater strategy — one that is changing what all of us see online. By Yoel Roth](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRm8VjoP0TgaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMy8wOS8xOC9vcGluaW9uL3RydW1wLWVsb24tbXVzay10d2l0dGVyLmh0bWw_Y2FtcGFpZ25faWQ9MzkmZW1jPWVkaXRfdHlfMjAyMzA5MjMmaW5zdGFuY2VfaWQ9MTAzMzIzJm5sPW9waW5pb24tdG9kYXkmcmVnaV9pZD03NzY3NDk1MiZzZWdtZW50X2lkPTE0NTUyNCZ0ZT0xJnVzZXJfaWQ9YWE0OTFlZjdmMWQ5NjRlNDk3OWZiNzg0ZTc0ZTAxZDdXA255dEIKZPro0w5lKFTTzVIbdHJpc3RyYW1iYWxkd2luOTBAZ21haWwuY29tWAQAAAAD) [[Article Image] Illustration by Shoshana Schultz/The New York Times](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRm8VjoP0TfaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMy8wOS8yMC9vcGluaW9uL3dhbGstYW5kLXRhbGstbWVldGluZ3MuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD0zOSZlbWM9ZWRpdF90eV8yMDIzMDkyMyZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD0xMDMzMjMmbmw9b3Bpbmlvbi10b2RheSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTQ1NTI0JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpk-ujTDmUoVNPNUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAM~) [LYDIA POLGREEN No, I Don’t Want to Go for a Walk With You Walking is a solo activity, and no one is going to convince me otherwise. By Lydia Polgreen](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRm8VjoP0TfaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMy8wOS8yMC9vcGluaW9uL3dhbGstYW5kLXRhbGstbWVldGluZ3MuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD0zOSZlbWM9ZWRpdF90eV8yMDIzMDkyMyZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD0xMDMzMjMmbmw9b3Bpbmlvbi10b2RheSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTQ1NTI0JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpk-ujTDmUoVNPNUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAM~) [[Article Image] Matteo Giuseppe Pani](~/AAAAAQA~/RgRm8VjoP0TfaHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnl0aW1lcy5jb20vMjAyMy8wOS8yMS9vcGluaW9uL2VtbXlzLXByZXN0aWdlLXR2LWRlYWQuaHRtbD9jYW1wYWlnbl9pZD0zOSZlbWM9ZWRpdF90eV8yMDIzMDkyMyZpbnN0YW5jZV9pZD0xMDMzMjMmbmw9b3Bpbmlvbi10b2RheSZyZWdpX2lkPTc3Njc0OTUyJnNlZ21lbnRfaWQ9MTQ1NTI0JnRlPTEmdXNlcl9pZD1hYTQ5MWVmN2YxZDk2NGU0OTc5ZmI3ODRlNzRlMDFkN1cDbnl0Qgpk-ujTDmUoVNPNUht0cmlzdHJhbWJhbGR3aW45MEBnbWFpbC5jb21YBAAAAAM~) [GUEST ESSAY The Era of Prestige TV Is Ending. We’re Going to Miss It When It’s Gone. The 2023 Emmys were meant to be a celebration of television’s best. Instead, they’ll serve as a funeral for the era dominated by landmark shows. 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