The Edit: I Don’t Have a Hometown. It’s Taught Me a Lot.

Plus: How to network. View in [Browser]( | Add nytdirect@nytimes.com to your address book. [The New York Times]( [The New York Times]( Tuesday, October 9, 2018 [NYTimes.com »]( George Wylesol Welcome to The Edit newsletter. Each week you’ll hear from [college students and recent graduates]( about issues going on in their lives. You also may hear from me, Lindsey Underwood, editor of the newsletter. I Don’t Have a Hometown. It’s Taught Me a Lot. [Elia Rathore] Elia Rathore Contributor to The Edit I’ve never decorated my bedroom before. For me, the act of adorning a room with little trinkets, putting up posters, and all the things associated with making a place my own always seemed futile. Even during the four years I spent living in a dorm, I never saw the point. This is all just temporary, I thought. I had bedrooms in 10 different countries growing up. My parents are Pakistani diplomats, so my siblings and I have had an unconventional life. I was born in Egypt, and then lived in the United Arab Emirates, Pakistan, Philippines, Malaysia, Singapore, Thailand, Bangladesh, the United States and Germany, where I am now. Moving around so much makes me a “Third Culture Kid,” or TCK. The term was coined by sociologist Ruth Hill Useem in the 1950s to describe children who live in countries foreign to their parents, and thus occupy a position between the culture of their parents and the culture of the country in which they live. Ask most TCKs, and they’ll say we’re lucky. When you’re forced to be the new kid at school enough times, you come up with an algorithm to fit in. It became second nature to lay low at first, discern the unspoken rules of the school, and then fake it to the best of my ability. When I first moved to the United States, I had a lot to learn. For one, I was used to wearing a uniform to school; now I had to pick an outfit everyday. Not wanting to appear different, I sat in the library on my first day and just kind of looked at people. (I quickly realized that athleisure was the way to go.) Like an ethnographer-in-training, I honed my observational skills over the years and became a cultural chameleon. You’ll notice this in a lot of TCKs, the ability to negotiate between cultures and mediate between diverse groups of people. But every silver lining has a cloud. The longing I feel for cities and places is peculiar and gnawing. You can’t text a city and tell her you miss her vibe. I have extensive memories of Ampang Park, a shopping mall near our condo in Malaysia. Thinking about the park triggers flashes of Archie comics, pirated DVDs, my first ever Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and the nasi goreng I’d sometimes try to convince my dad to get on our way home from school. This year, they tore it down. I had tears in my eyes when I heard the news. When we left Kuala Lumpur, I told myself I’d come back one day to the city that partially raised me, to my temporary home, to my Ampang Park. However, as I would learn, some goodbyes are more irrevocable than others. Looming above every new beginning was its ending. With every friend I made, I knew I’d have to have a long-distance relationship at some point. Every time we unpacked, I wondered what I’d be packing next time. Every time I entered an airport, I knew I’d leave from the same place. Memory became precious, knowing that sometimes that’s all I’d have left of a place. While some TCKs lament the loss of a home, of stability, I feel like the perpetual state of transition taught me that one can have many homes. Sometimes you find home in people, and sometimes homes can be temporary. Now that I’m in a gap year after college, headfirst in the throes of post-collegiate disillusionment, I see lessons from my life coming into play. Being in this state of limbo is difficult, but very familiar. Liminal spaces aren’t so scary when you’ve occupied them for most of your life. In fact, I feel right at home. We’re exploring what it’s like to make big moves in a series we’re calling, well, “Big Moves.” Previously, another contributor to The Edit wrote about [moving from a big city to a small town]( and [readers told us about their experiences](. HOW ARE WE DOING? We’d love your feedback on this newsletter. Please email thoughts and suggestions to [the edit@nytimes.com](mailto:theedit@nytimes.com?subject=The%20Edit%20Newsletter%20Feedback). LIKE THIS EMAIL? Forward it to your friends, and let them know they can sign up [here](. What We’re Reading  [Kavanaugh Is One of Only 114 to Join the Exclusive Club of Justices. Here’s How He Fits In.]( By KAREN YOURISH, SERGIO PEÇANHA AND TROY GRIGGS All but six appointees to the Supreme Court have been white men. [Harry Taylor, 6, played with the bones of dead livestock in Australia, which has faced severe drought.]( Brook Mitchell/Getty Images [Major Climate Report Describes a Strong Risk of Crisis as Early as 2040]( By CORAL DAVENPORT A landmark United Nations report paints a far more dire picture of the immediate consequences of climate change than previously thought and says that avoiding damage requires quickly transforming the world economy. [Emery Bergmann in a scene from a video about loneliness she made as a Cornell freshman last fall.](  [Advice From a Formerly Lonely College Student]( By EMERY BERGMANN Last fall, I made a viral video about having trouble making friends. Here’s what I’ve learned. Linda Huang [All Those Books You’ve Bought but Haven’t Read? There’s a Word for That]( By KEVIN MIMS Most of us own books we’ve read and books we haven’t. Kevin Mims considers the importance of owning books we’ll never get around to finishing. Photo illustration by Derek Brahney/New Studio [How Much Power Do ‘Millennials’ Actually Have?]( By WILLY STALEY Depending on who’s speaking, it’s either a generation of the downtrodden or a demanding, implacable horde. [Adam Lippy is one of many white kickers and punters at historically black colleges.]( Veasey Conway for The New York Times [White Kickers and Punters at Black Colleges Are a Thing]( By MARC TRACY There are not many black kickers and punters in the country, even at the nation’s historically black colleges and universities. ADVERTISEMENT ADVERTISEMENT Let’s Figure It Out Parvathy Bhushan, a recent graduate from Mount Holyoke College, sent us a problem to figure out: In college and immediately after, I started to build a professional network that would help me kick-start my career and that definitely helped me land my first job. What advice do folks have on sustaining and continuing to build their network? How do you keep in touch with your contacts so that when the time comes, it doesn't feel awkward to reach out to them for help? [Alan Henry]( a Smarter Living editor, has done a lot of thinking about this, so we invited him to weigh in. Here’s what he said: First of all, congratulations! You’re tackling something that a lot of people don’t pay enough attention to. Everyone should have a professional network, and instead of calling it that, I wish we all called it what it really is: “friends willing to help each other with work stuff.” I wrote [a guide to building and maintaining a professional network]( a while ago, and the tips still hold, I think. The big ones, though, are not to force anything and it won’t feel awkward or sleazy. [Be genuine, and be genuinely helpful]( to other people, and they’ll look out for you, too. Let those friendships grow organically — after all, you spend 40+ hours a week with your colleagues. You’ll be able to figure out which ones like you, and which ones you like. Avoid work “cliques,” (you’ll know them when you see them), and don’t stress out about being one of the “cool kids” who effectively sit together at the career lunch table. You’ll make your own friends, and if not, make friends at other companies and industries. You should do that anyway! Consider joining a professional organization, affinity group, or other society centered around your skills or industry. The key is to surround yourself with people who believe in you and your talents, and are willing to help you succeed if they can, and vice versa. That way, it gets a little easier to stay in touch without feeling awkward. With professional societies, there are conferences and meetings, pre-planned get-togethers you can just attend. With good friends, catching up feels good to do. Make it easy: hang out doing something of mutual interest, or just grab quick, low-intensity coffee together. 15 minutes, maybe 30, max. I have people in my network I’d hang out with all evening laughing and talking, and others where a coffee to catch up is more than enough, and both are fine! Make it a recurring appointment on both of your calendars, maybe monthly, or even quarterly. Pick a spot you both love but don’t get to visit as often as you’d like. Make an excuse to do something fun. I know, it can be difficult, especially for those of us [already anxious about our careers or naturally introverted]( or if we’re part of a group specifically told that boasting about our accomplishments is undesirable behavior. But don’t look at your network as a thing apart from real friendships. These people are — or can be — your friends, and the whole point of being friends is to take that stress away. You don’t need to impress them, and you can be open and honest with them. And like any friends, try to make sure they’re only people you feel comfortable spending time or energy with. And for those who don’t have a network yet, I propose a simple test — [the “layoff test]( Pretend you’ve just been laid off. Who are the first five or 10 people you’d reach out to for advice, or to catch up with? If you can’t name five or 10 people, it’s time to make a list and reach out now, when you don’t need anything. You never know, you may actually be able to help them in their time of need! Navigating college and the years afterward can be tough, but we’re here to help! Maybe you’re wondering how to choose a major, or the best time to study abroad. Perhaps you’re out of school and figuring out how to budget. Send us an email at theedit@nytimes.com with the subject line, “Figure It Out.” We’ll do our best to answer a new question each week. 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