On Friendship Issues

Four tips that don't get enough attention, but we think should. Learn better. Play smarter. | [View this email in your browser]( Parenting made simpler. Essentials only. Written by experts. Designed for intentional parents. Be a Plinkit Pro Thank you for reading! This newsletter is made possible through Plinkit Pro membership support. Please consider being a [PLINKIT PRO]( if you aren't already, to enjoy access to all our expert guidance. Your support is how we keep things going. Or, [email us](mailto:hello@myplinkit.com) to find out how your entire school or workplace can benefit from [PLINKIT PRO.]( [BE A PLINKIT PRO]( On Friendship Issues Friendships often take a twist around this time, later in the school year. For younger children, they’ve likely hit their social stride and are feeling more confident in social play, so may look for ways to exert their independence or are curious about new friendships and types of play. For older children, they may be struggling with the duality of historically playing with one friend and now wanting to play with a larger group, or they may be figuring out how to move on from existing friends without "making others feel bad", or they may be experiencing elements of social power since peers now know each other well. Or, it may be something entirely different (more below). 'Friendship issues' come in many different shapes and sizes, which is why answering, "How can I help my child through them?" isn't so simple. When your child hurts, you hurt. It’s only natural that we want to fix things - we want to make the hurt go away. But friendship issues are normal and natural - a universal experience. And because children haven’t - yet - mastered the social world, they’re going to test social boundaries and try on different leadership and follower roles. As you navigate the ebbs and flows of your child’s friendship and social success, here's four key tips that don’t get enough attention, but we think should: 1) Ask your child open-ended questions to figure out what they know, don’t know and may want to know. A friendship issue to a child can look very different from our own grown-up assumptions. What a child worries about is different from what we worry about (and vice versa). Also, the words they use may not have the same meaning as our grown-up definitions. And often as parents and teachers, we don’t know what we don’t know. For example, we may only hear of a social situation from the child that feels unfairly treated or hurt, not so much if they’re on the other side of the conflict or are a bystander. So, ask your child open-ended questions to encourage them to do the talking. For example, "I heard you say you didn’t feel 'good' today. What felt tricky?" Here’s another script sequence to keep in your back pocket: - First, "I heard you say ____," or "You looked ___ when you said," - Then, "Tell me more," or "That sounds hard. I’m listening," - Last, P-A-U-S-E. Let the silence fill the room for a little bit. Listen without fixing. (This can be the hardest part.) It can often take a child longer than we think for them to process their thoughts. 2) Teach your child to take notice of the non-verbal cues that may be a signal of how their words and actions impact the people around them. This may mean teaching specific body language, facial expressions, personal space needs, etc. Parents are often surprised to learn that many children do not know how to recognize the social cues when someone is happy, sad, angry or hurt. Layer on more sophisticated and nuanced feelings like confused, annoyed or disappointed, and those social cues become harder for a child to pick up. (Remember: children are concrete thinkers, so be specific about these non-verbal cues.) 3) Practice having your child talk about what is important to them and why. Frequently, we’ll hear parents say, "You should’ve spoken up," or "You should’ve done something," but for many children, speaking up (even if they know they should) is hard to do and does not come naturally. It can develop with practice, though. Here’s some [questions you can ask your child in your daily routine]( to help them practice advocating for their point of view. 4) For maturing children, teach three important distinctions: - [Telling vs. tattling]( - [Unkind behavior vs. bullying behavior]( - [Teasing vs. microaggressions]( Be explicit about the differences in these behaviors. Even maturing children welcome specifics and need examples and limits for [what kindness (and unkindness) looks like, sounds like and feels like.]( For example, many children are surprised to learn that involving others to exclude someone from a group or activity is hurtful because, "It wasn’t my idea; ___ did it." It feels indirect to them. Every child wants to be seen and heard. That principle is at the core of many friendship issues. Read more Plinkit articles below for how you can teach your child to recognize that need within themselves and how they can respond to that need in others. What Plinkit Parents Are Saying "Thank you, thank you, thank you! Deepest gratitude for bringing our community together, helping us all take a step back, and guiding us to some Aha breakthroughs. 10/10 would recommend." "Thank you for your wonderful presence, guidance. I can't believe how quickly the time flew by and how we could’ve easily been engaged for another 90 minutes." "It is so difficult to carve out space (for anything!) when you have young children, and for you to recognize and celebrate that in our families means a lot. We were buzzing with renewed 'parental energy.'" - - - - - Thank you to our Plinkit At Work and Plinkit At School partners for bringing parenting support and education to your families. Our masterclasses have become more than a desired perk; they’re an inclusive benefit for all families. Please [email us](mailto:hello@myplinkit.com) if you'd like to bring one of our Plinkit masterclasses to your workplace or school. Learning how a child sees the world, especially when it comes to friendship issues can help us, help them. If you’re curious about a child’s perspective, here’s some examples of what we heard in classrooms about what friendship issues look like...by kids. Younger children: - "MINE! I don’t want them touching my stuff." - "___ always takes the stuff I’m using or ruins things I’m working on." - "I used to be friends with ___, but I don’t like them anymore." - "When my friend wants to play a game, but I don’t want to play that game." - "When I play with ___, but my other friend gets mad." - "When ___ follows me around, even though I tell them to stop." - "I didn't want ___ to be mad so I gave it to them. But really, I didn’t want to." - "___ is always the boss. If ___ doesn’t get to be the leader, they get mad and yell." - "___ gets mad when they don’t win. So they always get to make up the rules." Older children: - "When ___ cheats, or ___ changes the rules in the middle of the game." - "When ___ picks only certain people on their team so they can win." - "When my friends talk about something I wasn’t invited to." - "When my friends like something that I don’t like and they keep talking about that thing." - "I see them playing over there and they look like they’re having fun. But I never play with them. I just watch them." - "___ is now part of our friend group, but I don’t like them." - "When my friends do something I don’t really want to do, but if I don’t, I’ll be disappointing them." - "___ is mean. The rest of us talk about them, but not in front of them." - "When I went to talk to ___, my other friends made fun of me." Friendships can be tricky, but our children wouldn’t be able to understand the social world and their place in it without going through this critical developmental phase. More reasons for why a child might exclude and [scripts for talking with your child when they feel excluded.]( LEARN + DO [How to Share - Some Helpful Rules]( [READ MORE]( [Forward](mailto:?subject=Something%20Interesting%20from%20Plinkit&body=I%20found%20this%20Plinkit%20article%20interesting%20and%20thought%20you%20would%20too.%20Check%20it%20out%3A%20https%3A%2F%2Fmyplinkit.com%2F2017%2F09%2Fshare-some-helpful-rules%2F) [Share]( LEARN + DO [How to Teach Empathy]( [READ MORE]( [Forward](mailto:?subject=Something%20Interesting%20from%20Plinkit&body=I%20found%20this%20Plinkit%20article%20interesting%20and%20thought%20you%20would%20too.%20Check%20it%20out%3A%20https%3A%2F%2Fmyplinkit.com%2F2017%2F08%2Fteach-child-empathy%2F) [Share]( LEARN + DO [How to Support Self-Image and Self-Confidence]( [READ MORE]( [Forward](mailto:?subject=Something%20Interesting%20from%20Plinkit&body=I%20found%20this%20Plinkit%20article%20interesting%20and%20thought%20you%20would%20too.%20Check%20it%20out%3A%20https%3A%2F%2Fmyplinkit.com%2F2017%2F09%2Fsupport-childs-self-image-self-confidence%2F) [Share]( LEARN + DO [Social Exclusion and Inclusion - Do Something About It]( [READ MORE]( [Forward](mailto:?subject=Something%20Interesting%20from%20Plinkit&body=I%20found%20this%20Plinkit%20article%20interesting%20and%20thought%20you%20would%20too.%20Check%20it%20out%3A%20https%3A%2F%2Fmyplinkit.com%2F2017%2F09%2Fwhen-kids-exclude-friends-how-to-include%2F) [Share]( LEARN + DO [*THINK* - Be Powerful with Your Words]( [READ MORE]( [Forward](mailto:?subject=Something%20Interesting%20from%20Plinkit&body=I%20found%20this%20Plinkit%20article%20interesting%20and%20thought%20you%20would%20too.%20Check%20it%20out%3A%20https%3A%2F%2Fmyplinkit.com%2F2018%2F02%2Fthink-before-speak-powerful-words%2F) [Share]( LEARN + DO ["I" Messages - A Helpful Technique for Conflict Resolution]( [READ MORE]( [Forward](mailto:?subject=Something%20Interesting%20from%20Plinkit&body=I%20found%20this%20Plinkit%20article%20interesting%20and%20thought%20you%20would%20too.%20Check%20it%20out%3A%20https%3A%2F%2Fmyplinkit.com%2F2017%2F10%2Fi-messages-helpful-technique-conflict-resolution%2F) [Share]( LEARN + DO [10 Characteristics of a 'Good' Friend]( [READ MORE]( [Forward](mailto:?subject=Something%20Interesting%20from%20Plinkit&body=I%20found%20this%20Plinkit%20article%20interesting%20and%20thought%20you%20would%20too.%20Check%20it%20out%3A%20https%3A%2F%2Fmyplinkit.com%2F2021%2F04%2F10-characteristics-of-a-good-friend-skills-for-children%2F) [Share]( LEARN + DO [How to Teach Your Child to Be a 'Good' Friend]( [READ MORE]( [Forward](mailto:?subject=Something%20Interesting%20from%20Plinkit&body=I%20found%20this%20Plinkit%20article%20interesting%20and%20thought%20you%20would%20too.%20Check%20it%20out%3A%20https%3A%2F%2Fmyplinkit.com%2F2021%2F04%2Fhow-to-teach-your-child-to-be-a-good-kind-brave-friend%2F) [Share]( Learn better. 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