Newsletter Monday, April 18, 2016

[LaineyGossip.com - Calling all smuthounds!] Monday, April 18, 2016 [Intro for April 18, 2016] [Beyoncé on Instagram ] Dear Gossips, Saturday. It was 4.16.16. 4 4x4 4x4 And on this day she spoke. I didn’t write about Beyoncé last week. I wanted to. I wanted to every day, especially on Thursday, with the release of Ivy Park. And I wanted to on Friday, after Ivy Park brought down purchase servers and became the [most popular brand on Instagram]. People kept trying to point out that there was no lineup at the Topshop stores. Sure. What that tells you is that consumers are willing to throw their money at her without even trying on the items. The point is, I tried to be like B – restraint, and it felt like penance. But then came the reward, absolution. A teaser and then, a day later, a full trainer for #Lemonade, a “world premiere event” on HBO next Saturday at 9pm. I have no plans on Saturday but if I did, they’d be cancelled. Because we don’t watch Beyoncé on PVR. I’d feel like I was missing out, even if I started 5 minutes behind. What is it though? A short film? All the videos on the album? Just one video? F-ck I almost hope so. I almost hope that what we end up getting – and staying home for – is a 4 minute video for a song as the ultimate testament to the Beyoncé flex. As for the #Lemonade though, she started showing it to us months ago: [A photo posted by Beyoncé (@beyonce)] on Sep 20, 2015 at 8:17am PDT [A photo posted by Beyoncé (@beyonce)] on Sep 20, 2015 at 8:17am PDT [A photo posted by Beyoncé (@beyonce)] on Sep 20, 2015 at 8:18am PDT And check out what a reader called Lana just sent me – Ivy Park was actually at the Super Bowl: This is what I’ve been telling you about Beyoncé. She’s never going to hand you the f-cking answers. Beyoncé is meant to be studied. She’s decided that she’s worth the work. And she has worked with HBO on several occasions. HBO was also where she took her documentary Life Is But A Dream. That’s when she interviewed herself in a movie about herself directed by herself. So, basically, HBO is used to not giving Beyoncé any notes. HBO, as you know, is also premiering Season 6 of Game Of Thrones the following night. [Vulture] put it best: One thing is certain:Game of Thrones is premiering next weekend, but Beyoncé just did to Jon Snow what she already did to [Chris Martin at the Super Bowl]. Speaking of Game Of Thrones though… are we doing recaps the morning after? Or are we just writing about it when big sh-t goes down? Let us know! Yours in gossip, Lainey [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 1:02 PM [Ice Cube in Barbershop: The Next Cut] [Ice Cube performs onstage during day 2 of the 2016 Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival Weekend 1 at the Empire Polo Club on April 16, 2016 in Indio, California] Living in a city where you [regularly] [wake up] [to headlines] [tallying] [how many people got shot] over the weekend wears on you after a while. No matter how much you love your home, you inevitably end up having “why am I still here” conversations with yourself. This is the conflict at the heart of Barbershop: The Next Cut. It’s been fourteen years since the original Barbershop, Calvin’s son is now a teenager, and the South Side of Chicago has become a veritable war zone. The Next Cut takes a free-wheeling approach to current events, but the heart of the story is Calvin struggling with that question—why am I still here?—as he tries to keep his son on the straight and narrow even as their neighborhood falls apart. [Ice Cube] returns as barbershop proprietor Calvin, along with franchise regulars Cedric the Entertainer—repeating his old man schtick as Eddie—Eve, Sean Patrick Thomas, Jazsmin Lewis, and [Anthony Anderson]. They’re joined by newcomers [Common], [Nicki Minaj], comedian J.B. Smoove, and New Girl’s Lamorne Morris, and together they make up an effective ensemble. For reasons that don’t really jive with 2005’s Beauty Shop spin-off, Calvin’s barbershop has merged with the beauty shop to form a co-ed shared space, which makes for a more gender-balanced dynamic that works really well. Because it’s been so long since the original films, and because there are so many new characters, this is a friendly entry point for new viewers—it works as a stand-alone. The Next Cut has a bit of an episodic feel to it as the denizens of Calvin’s shop debate every topic under the sun, from the gun violence overrunning Chicago, to President Obama, to the more mundane “men and women are so different!” stuff that has been the staple of comedy since time immemorial, tying together multiple personal storylines. Not every element works—Anthony Anderson’s food truck plot is not compelling—but for the most part, The Next Cut manages to be both very funny and sobering. The stuff about Chicago felt particularly urgent, sitting in a theater in Chicago, and I think the film hit a little harder here than it will in other places. It’s impossible not to compare The Next Cut to Spike Lee’s scathing satire Chi-Raq, especially since Next Cut’s director, Malcolm D. Lee, is related to Spike (they’re cousins). The Next Cut doesn’t have nearly the bite of Chi-Raq, but it deals in some of the same themes and ideas, and it does so in a way that will be easier for general audiences to digest. Particularly the question of why not just move—a popular refrain amongst commuters who spend business hours in Chicago and have no idea what it’s like to actually live in the city—as it’s addressed from the point of view of a small business owner/entrepreneur with a rock solid family life. Calvin represents the American dream, and he just wants to raise his son in the neighborhood where he grew up. It’s a very relatable premise. The Next Cut also calls to mind Rick Famuyiwa’s Dope, in that it plays like the parent’s perspective on that story. Like Malcolm in Dope, Calvin’s son, Jalen (Michael Rainey, Jr., Orange is the New Black), is trying to stay out of the violence tearing the South Side apart, but an incident at the beginning of the film reminds us how random gun violence can be. Still, the film is not a downer at all—thanks to the chemistry of the cast and the genuinely funny moments they find together, The Next Cut is a net positive. The cast is really a joy to watch. Common, in particular, is outstanding. He did great work on AMC’s little-seen Hell on Wheels, and here he continues to show real range as an actor—he should be headlining films. Nicki Minaj, on the other hand, doesn’t blend that well. It doesn’t help that she’s paired in many scenes with Eve, who is a good actress and only highlights exactly what Minaj isn’t achieving. But this is a great ensemble and it’s fun to watch them bounce off each other as they trade barbs and quips. The Next Cut is a comedy with dramatic heft or a drama with solid comedy, depending on how you look at it. Either way, it more than justifies returning to the barbershop. Attached - Ice Cube performing at Coachella this weekend. [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 7:28 PM [Smutty Tingles] My dog keeps eating his own sh-t. So I can’t call this dumb. ([Dlisted]) Taylor Swift’s new Apple commercial ([Just Jared]) Katie Holmes wants to do more ([Cele|bitchy]) Ricky Martin and his boyfriend go public ([TooFab]) Jennifer Garner’s perfect mom birthday ([Pop Sugar]) More celebrities dressed like assholes at Coachella ([The Superficial]) She is still just 21 years old! ([Hollywood Tuna]) I love this dress ([Go Fug Yourself]) Madonna and Rocco go out ([TMZ]) [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 6:16 PM [The Artist vs the Critic] [James Franco covers New York Magazine ] A new interview with The Artist, [James Franco], with Jerry Saltz, for New York Magazine. Interesting because Jerry and his wife have sh-t on The Artist’s work before, once writing that “at this point George W Bush is actually a better artist than James Franco”. So the piece that follows is James sorta kinda trying to convince Jerry that he’s not a poser, but also trying to front like he doesn’t care that much. Basically, to me, since I’m an art moron, it sounds like two dudes mansplaining art to each other. I look forward to your emails later educating me otherwise. Here’s one passage that jumped out though. And it’s about James hosting the Oscars with [Anne Hathaway]. James: One of the things that I hope to do — I’m a teacher, I do talks at universities, I do all these things. And I hope that I inspire people to be beginners, to try things, and to not be shut down before they even investigate because of fear, fear of criticism, fear of failure. I think that I’m a good example of that. Now, sometimes, sadly, people will follow my example or will do things with me, and it won’t go so well for them. When Anne Hathaway decided to [host the Oscars] with me … She had said no before, and then they asked me to ask her, and I said, “Let’s just do it. It’ll be an adventure,” and then we got a lot of sh-t for it. Jerry: Both of you? James: I probably got more than she did, but she got a lot. Jerry: What was so bad about it? James: You know, I think one of the things that happens in film and television and performance-based things is that people will criticize the performers because they’re the face of the piece. We didn’t write the script. Jerry: No. You deliver it. But that’s true every year, the critics would say, right? James: In other cases, someone like Steve Martin or Chris Rock will probably have a bigger hand in the writing of the thing, but Anne and I did not. Sure. They didn’t write it. But if I were one of the writers, I’d say that he, specifically, didn’t TRY it. He gave up. He checked out. Annie? She was there. She put in the effort. I’d respect it more coming from her because at the very least, she can say that she tried to elevate the material with her own talent – which should be the exchange between the writer and the performer. If you’re the performer and you’ve put your skill to the writing and it still doesn’t work, fine, maybe then I can take your blame-shift seriously. But him? He tapped out and left her to eat it by herself. Why does he get a say in this conversation? [Click here] to read the full piece. [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 6:07 PM [The Birth of a Nation trailer] [Nate Parker and Aja Naomi King of 'The Birth of a Nation' attend CinemaCon 2016 as 20th Century Fox Invites You to a Special Presentation Highlighting Its Future Release Schedule at The Colosseum at Caesars Palace during CinemaCon, the official convention of the National Association of Theatre Owners, on April 14, 2016 in Las Vegas, Nevada] If you haven’t already watched the trailer for The Birth of a Nation, you’re going to need a moment. I’ve seen it a few times and I still can’t get through it without crying. After seeing the trailer, which is a work of art, I understand all of the hype this movie received coming out of Sundance. I am absolutely going to see it in theatres and there is no doubt in my mind that I will tweet, share my thoughts on it on social media and support the sh-t out of this film but, considering its subject matter, the praise The Birth of a Nation is already receiving makes me pause. So, before I get into the conflicting feelings I have about the response to the film, please take a moment to watch the haunting trailer: Nina Simone’s rendition of Strange Fruit is probably the most devastatingly beautiful song I have ever heard and the perfect choice for this trailer. It looks incredible, right? The film’s star, writer and director [Nate Parker] took a break from acting get the film made (Sarah wrote about its Sundance journey [here]) and devoted years of his life to tell the story of Nat Turner, a slave turned traveling preacher who led the bloodiest slave uprising in American history. If it is as good as it looks, it deserves the praise and Oscar buzz it is already getting but when the trailer dropped, many outlets said that this film might be the answer to ending the #OscarsSoWhite controversy streak. This is where I get uncomfortable. Kara Brown at Jezebel wrote a great piece earlier this year called “[I’m So Damn Tired of Slave Movies]” which gave a spot on analysis of the Academy’s clear bias towards rewarding films about slavery. Here’s Kara’s take: “I’m tired of being told that I have to watch black actors in physical pain and endure mental abuse for two hours in order to be worthy of a distinction…When movies about slavery or, more broadly, other types of violence against black people are the only types of films regularly deemed “important” and “good” by white people, you wonder if white audiences are only capable of lauding a story where black people are subservient.” Don’t get me wrong, films about slavery need to be made. 12 Years A Slave is a seminal film that is required viewing. The fact that Nate Parker had to fight to get the story of Nat Turner told is absurd. This is a story that breaks the mold of the “subservient” slave depictions we’ve seen in the past and it’s an integral piece of American history. Stories about brutal black oppression should absolutely be told but they shouldn’t be the ONLY films featuring predominantly black casts that are applauded and revered by the loudest voices in Hollywood. When movies like Creed and Straight Outta Compton are overlooked, it’s clear that Oscar voters are partial to a specific type of black story. Ice Cube jokingly said, “maybe we should have put a slave in Straight Outta Compton,” after it was shut out of the Oscars. The Daily Show’s Trevor Noah did an entire skit about how all black movies should have a negro spiritual in its score to get nominated. I get that the Academy loves historical biopics but if you just looked at the Oscars, you would think the only contribution blacks gave to American history was slavery. To take it one step further, I also want to see more black films that aren’t just about the most impressive black people who ever lived. I consistently go back to this article in The Hollywood Reporter called, “[Why Black Films Have to Be About MLK and White Movies Can Be About a Mop Inventor].” It asked, “Where is the black Revenant? Or the Latino The Kids Are All Right? Or the Asian Black Swan?” I want to see films about Harriet Tubman and Hattie McDaniel but I also want to see fictional movies about a black girl who moves, gets homesick and falls in love (Brooklyn) or about two same sex people of colour who fall in love while wearing great outfits (Carol). These simple universal stories about the human condition are exactly that: universal. Black people also come of age. We also fall in love. We also invent cool things and have fascinating jobs. Not to say these films aren’t getting made at all but they are few and far between and they do not get the same recognition or attention. Listen, I hope The Birth of a Nation kills it at the box office and gets all of the everything it deserves but I also hope its success is followed by Nate Parker starring in a Silver Linings Playbook-esque rom-com or by his co-star [Aja Naomi King] shining in a heady indie drama. The Birth of a Nation hits theatres in October. Attached - Nate Parker and Aja Naomi King at CinemaCon to present The Birth of a Nation. [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 5:29 PM [Jessica Biel & the Tiffany women] [Jessica Biel attends the Tiffany & Co. Blue Book Gala at The Cunard Building on April 15, 2016 in New York City] Every year around this time Tiffany & Co holds an event for their Blue Book with a few key bold-faced names in attendance. Gwyneth’s been there. Kate Hudson. Katie Holmes. [Reese Witherspoon]. You see the trend. Reese was back this year along with [Diane Kruger] and [Naomi Watts], and [Jessica Biel] too, not her first time either, and she’s been in New York this week to promote her film The Devil And The Deep Blue Sea. I like that Jessica chose an outfit to compliment the jewels. Also I’m really into an open shoulder right now. This white dress is gorgeous, even without the necklace. Am attaching some other shots of Jessica out and about NYC the last couple of days and embedding some below of her in culottes at the Tribeca Film Festival portrait gallery with the Devil cast. 04/14 - HQ pics of [#JessicaBiel] for Tribeca Film Festival Getty Images Portrait Studio. [ [pic.twitter.com/cGZvFFov28] — Jessica Biel FR (@JessicaBielFR) [April 16, 2016] In other Jessica news, have a look at this tweet that a reader called Sabrera sent over: I am in the same room as Justin Timberlake and he just bragged about getting his wife pregnant. The man is a king — Anthony Papetti (@papeAtti) [April 16, 2016] Of course he’d be That Guy. The kind of guy who openly boasts about the strength of his semen. As for whether or not he was referring to the child they have or a child on the way, I mean, I’m not sure it’s clear either way but if you want something to gossip about… [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 5:02 PM [John Legend & Chrissy Teigen name daughter Luna Simone] [Chrissy Teigen and John Legend] I’m so down with this one. I was asked about my predictions for this name a few weeks ago, and I said it was going to be a little offbeat, in a familiar way. Ultimately these two people are named John and Christine, and even though they’re both, you know, super-famous, they would also have experienced the realities of being one of several Johns or Christines in a given situation. It was always going to be something that let their little girl stand out a little, while still keeping it relatively real, because after all, she has that Twitter to maintain: to everyone asking, john is healing perfectly — christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) [April 17, 2016] So I alleged that they would go with ‘Lemon’. Sort of a name, unusual and cute, but verging on cutesy, where you would kind of roll your eyes if you didn’t like them so much (testing the limits of this goodwill is known as the Kristen-Dax Fulcrum). Instead—but really, very closely—they’ve gone with Luna, which is lovely and easy to say, means ‘moon’, and is a popular celebrity choice of late. But I choose to believe that these two, who are so pleasantly and refreshingly dorky in the best way possible, also love it as a nod to Potter. Simone, which is stylish and rising right up in popularity, sounds great with Luna—not least, of course, because the rhythms of ‘Luna’ are similar to ‘Nina’, as in Nina Simone. So I like it. But then, bias towards these guys said I knew I would. What about you? [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 3:56 PM [Rihanna & Leo at Coachella] [Rihanna and Leonardo DiCaprio attend the Levi's Brand And RE/DONE Levi's Present NEON CARNIVAL With Tequila Don Julio on April 16, 2016 in Thermal, California] [Rihanna] had the weekend off from touring so she decided to drop in on Coachella for Calvin Harris’s set. Tonight she’s back on the road in Winnipeg. I saw her last week on Thursday in Toronto. Have we talked about this yet? There are some people who’ve been underwhelmed with ANTI. There is literally no stage design, it’s basically some white sheets and a foam party later on. Really stripped down. The screens don’t even come on until the third or fourth song. I found this kinda refreshing, the no frills aspect of the show. Because everyone has pyro and 18 short film interludes these days. And I expect that, definitely, from, say, Beyoncé. But, as we’ve discussed, Rihanna’s is an entirely different brand. She is not hyper-controlled and choreographed. There’s barely any choreography. On some of the up-tempo songs, she doesn’t even bother singing. So if you’re just there for the bangers like Cheers Drink To That or Disturbia or Don’t Stop The Music, yeah, it might not be your thing. If, however, you know the album, know it front and back, know the vibe of ANTI, you’re good. You’ll be singing along to Sex With Me and Love On The Brain and Desperado and you’ll be fist-pumping all “f-ck your pride!” at the end. I was in a good mood for days. So back to Rihanna at Coachella. We’ve already covered her moment with Taylor Swift in the previous post. She also had a moment with [Leonardo DiCaprio]. Because where else would he be but Coachella? Where else could he show off his dance choreography? This picture of Leo was not taken at Coachella but I do wish it was because that’s basically how I want to picture him, next to Kellan Lutz’s fake tats and Vanessa Hudgens’s asshole fringed capes: As for what went down between him and Rihanna, they were at the same party, he went over to talk to her, and now people are being stupid and wondering if they’re doing it. Look at that man with the water gun in his hand. Does he look like he can satisfy Rihanna? Also remember, make up any rumour about Leo and an 18 year old, barely legal, white model and he doesn’t care. Make up a rumour about Leo and Rihanna having babies or whatever and he will take your ass to court. So, you know, he’s less ashamed of the thing that makes him gross and more ashamed of the thing that would actually make him cool – as IF Rihanna would actually have his baby. Please. [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 3:29 PM [Taylor at Coachella] [Taylor Swift at Coachella in Indio, California, April 16, 2016] Dressing like an asshole at Coachella is an equal opportunity for all genders. Just look at [Kellan Lutz]. Those tats are fake: [Taylor Swift] bleached her hair for Coachella. Because she realised how much better VOGUE made her look compared to how she makes herself look. But she did not dress like a f-cking asshole. I love this grey t-shirt that hangs low in the back. I love these gold kicks. I love the layers in her hair. Her hair is SO good. PS the shoes are Golden Goose which are ridiculously priced at CDN$700. I prefer the slip-on version. Taylor was there with several members of her that-word-we-are-all-sick-of (Lorde, Jack Antonoff, Serayah, Haim, Martha Hunt etc) because Calvin Harris was the marquee stage on Sunday night. And [Rihanna] showed up for We Found Love. Which Taylor was super excited about: [I'll NEVER forget this moment. @badgalriri @calvinharris #coachella] A video posted by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on Apr 18, 2016 at 2:00am PDT And then they had a moment, Rihanna and Taylor Swift: [Taylor frothing over our bad gal.. #Coachella #rihanna #taylorSwift] A video posted by R o b y n F o l l o w s💜 (@millyfenty_) on Apr 18, 2016 at 12:42am PDT This is noteworthy because it’s been a minute. It’s been a while. This photo is from 2010 when they were all still playing nice with each other: [Embed from Getty Images] As you know, Rihanna’s always been for Katy Perry. And Katy was also at Coachella. With Orlando Bloom. [MORTA ❤😍🎈👅 #katy #perry #katyperry #coachella2016 #coachella #losangeles #prismaticworldtour #prism #orlandobloom (day 1)] A photo posted by R E E D U S (@walkernavy2) on Apr 15, 2016 at 7:23pm PDT That Coachella vibe is basically where Orlando Bloom lives, ahem. Katy and Rihanna have always been a lot less showy about their friendship. So I don’t know if it means anything. And if Selena Gomez and Katy can be cordial to each other, I don’t see why Rihanna can’t be with Taylor and still be tight with Katy, although, you know, Taylor would take it otherwise. [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 2:36 PM [Two sullen teenagers] [Amber Heard and Johnny Depp pictured as they leave Southport Magistrates Court after attending their hearing in which they pleaded guilty to the charges of falsifying a quarantine document, April 17, 2016] We had a rough night last night. Barney, our dog, was sick and kept getting up so we kept getting up and the combination of fatigue and worry is the worst. There was happiness waiting for me on my phone when my alarm went off though. This Johnny Depp-Amber Heard apology video made me so happy for Monday. So happy for the morning. So happy to get up and get to work. (Barney is currently sunbathing on our back deck after, hopefully, puking up and sh-tting whatever mess he ate at the beach yesterday.) As you know, Johnny and Amber did not follow the rules when they brought their dogs into Australia last year. And Australia has very strict rules about declaring. No exceptions. CLEARLY. Barnaby Joyce is the Australian politician who made it his personal crusade – in the most obnoxious blow-hardy way possible – to take them down. And now we have all been rewarded for his efforts. Because this video is, maybe, the highlight of [Johnny Depp]’s career as a performer. The role: sullen punk teenager, forced by his parents to publicly apologise for being an asshole. That ever happen to you? You acted like a dick and your ma made you personally say sorry to everyone at dinner, in the middle of dinner? And even though you were too cool to do it, you also didn’t have any cards to play because ma was boss? Afterwards, you left the room, and all the adults burst into laughter. That’s us. We the people, we are the adults, laughing at Johnny Depp and [Amber Heard]. While they continue to try to pretend their sh-t is gold and special. Like he hasn’t become a f-cking JOKE. Apparently he was falling asleep during the court proceedings and she was elbowing him to keep him awake. And that’s going to be his story, you know? Johnny Depp thinks he’s John Bender from The Breakfast Club and Barnaby Joyce is Principal Vernon. But the only reason that worked and why you felt for John Bender is because John Bender actually had it rough in life. Oh, and he was 18 years old. Johnny Depp is 50+. And owns a private island. But, mostly, the reason why this is so satisfying? How often are celebrities held accountable? How often are they reckoned with when they f-ck up? Almost never. Until now. Barnaby Joyce has made one of the biggest movie stars in the world get up and apologise in front the entire school. And now we can watch it, over and over and over again. PS. Amber’s in a new movie with James Franco called The Adderall Diaries. She allegedly has a career independent of her role as her husband’s wife. And yet, the people involved in The Adderall Diaries don’t know [how to spell her name]. (thanks Christina!): [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 2:05 PM [I Would Love To Surprise Someone Sometime] [Girls Season 5 finale Episodes 9 and 10 recap] Girls Season 5 finale Episodes 9 and 10 recap First things first: My longing for Jenny Slate’s haircut. I wanted it when she first got it, snapped back to my senses, and this episode has renewed my love. Please know that I have forced my curly hair into submission for years and I cannot be allowed to do this. Title your emails “Duana, think it through” unless you think I should just do it for the summer because why not. Like many shows, Girls takes place in perpetual summer because it’s convenient for the show’s production. But unlike other shows, it’s one where triumph and elation and the best things happen in the most sweltering days of summer. The things you figure out about yourself are inextricably attached to that never-really-fades heat that allows you to lie around naked, actually or metaphorically, and get real. I miss it. I find myself more and more of a Marnie apologist, because I feel like she’s just operating in a world where nobody has told her any reason why she shouldn’t be Marnie, so…there we go? The problem, of course, is that she’s awful, and just turns up at Ray’s house and claims him—but to me, that’s balanced by her lecturing him on UTIs. Can’t you just imagine her bawling him out when he comes home with cranberry cocktail instead of proper cranberry juice? Actually, scratch that. Ray would know the difference. They’re perfect for each other. But really, they are, because they both know what’s on offer. Ray will carry Marnie’s insufferable guitar case (and, I guess, leave the shop to Shosh and their boss?) and she’ll be demanding and he’ll love it, and that’s how the tour will go, and it will be great. It’s like a revision of the John Mayer classic St. Patrick’s Day—they’re safe until at least September 15th. As for Desi…he’s the worst, and we know he’s the worst, but was he uniquely the worst with Marnie? He was sobbing over her not wanting to go get a bagel, but he doesn’t go with Lisa Bonet to her father’s funeral? I get that his sentiment only extends as far as he doesn’t have a show and adoring fans and blowjobs, but it seems bad for his image. I’m also not worried about Shoshanna, though I really wish I were. I loved her alternate reality in Japan and I wish she had more problems here than just general loose ends and sushi-restaurant arguments. There’s so much involved in being the kind of person who is relentlessly positive and dressed like Carmen Sandiego, and I don’t think any of it’s fake—I do think that’s who Shoshanna is—but I’d like to see it more. I’d like to see it cause her problems. I’d like to see her decide whether she’s going to stick to it. And Elijah’s sweet, sad story is going to get short shrift in this epically long review, but the determination and the jacket and the tears! He’s also deciding who he wants to be, and unlike most of the girls, I don’t think he’ll regret leaving it all on the table. I think he’ll feel a sense of accomplishment, when he comes out of his inevitable bender that his beer with Hannah’s mother is just the beginning of. Because deciding who you’re going to be is what this show has always been getting at, and what Hannah has been getting at, and, if you’ll forgive me the self-congratulation, what I’ve been saying all season. She knows what she’s like, and what people think of her, but she struggles between being authentic to the way she feels and struggling out of the suffocation that is everyone already knowing how she’s going to be. That’s why these episodes were so satisfying. Hannah doesn’t freak out in a shame spiral that she’s not like Tally. (Best line: “If she f*cks with me at one more TedXWomen’s event…”) She’s straight up about ‘I’m not writing’. She’s so honest about all her failings, and she doesn’t make new problems just for the story of it—which is why she and Tally don’t, ultimately, have sex, marking maybe the first time Hannah was glad she didn’t do something instead of cringing that she did...or maybe the second, if you include not going on the road trip with Fran but conveniently omitting Ray’s terrible blowjob. It’s growth. It’s quiet. It’s weird. That’s different from Adam. I’m not writing about Jessa, because I think she’s a sociopath. I think she’s always been a sociopath, has never cared what people think of her, and has constructed this whole ‘Hannah’s my best friend’ narrative out of nowhere. She is never the best friend, except inasmuch as Hannah would listen to her. And knowing what we know about Hannah, that’s saying a lot. As opposed to Marnie, who actually picks up the phone. But while I think she cares about Adam for real, her childishness and her selfishness, so aptly highlighted last episode, also belie her whole ‘I’m going to help people’ shtick, and I knew it. But Adam…Adam is different. Adam is successful. Adam knows how adult people behave. Adam is resentful of Hannah, sure, partly because he knows she’s immature and impossible and all the things we know too—but also because he misses her. Because she never went back to him, and he thought she would. That’s what all the rage is about. She stuck to her word, and is being ‘better’, even if nobody sees her being better. Even if nobody sees her fruit basket. But Adam, who if I’m understanding correctly is also feeling guilt at possibly having let Sample (!) go off with a still-coming-down Laird, has to deal with the rage and frustration of all his ‘success’ and ‘adulthood’ not letting him actually be real enough to face his feelings about Hannah. “We’re done with her!” he keeps screaming, but really, who was arguing that? Because it wasn’t Jessa. Jessa will stew over the Hannah thing but use it to needle and belittle Adam, all ‘I will never forgive you’. What, Jessa, you have no free will? He kidnapped you? That’s why Jessa is bullsh*t. I don’t believe anything that comes out of her mouth. But Adam has the misfortune not to be bullsh-t. When he’s this upset, he knows it’s his own screw-up. Hannah, for the first time in a long time, is riding a series of successes. She’s made a few good decisions in a row (even quitting teaching!). She feels good. She is utterly ignorant of whatever’s bothering anyone who’s not her, and happy with how she is today. Imagine if she could keep that going? What a great season. [Click here for the rest of the photos.] Posted at 1:34 PM [Privacy Policy] - [Unsubscribe]