Barking Up The Wrong Tree November 16th, 2021 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Before we commence with the festivities, I wanted to thank everyone for helping my first book become a Wall Street Journal bestseller! To check it out, click [here](. --------------------------------------------------------------- How To Be Resilient: 4 Steps To Happiness When Life Gets Hard ([Click here]( to read on the blog) The pandemic still isnât over. Life still isnât back to normal. And that means a lot of us are still on edge. Frustrated. Disgruntled. At times, weâre downright angry. And that saps our resilience. Our ability to cope and live a good life. Dealing with anger is difficult because, frankly, we get terrible advice about handling it. People say you should âget your anger out.â Wrong. [Research]( shows venting just makes it worse. Sure, developing self-control and using time-outs can help but neither fix the underlying problem. You and your anger are still stuck together. (Facebook relationship status: âItâs complicatedâ.) So what do we do? Have no fear. Your favorite cognitive arms dealer has the weapons we need to effectively fight anger and win. And, believe it or not, itâs as simple as âABCD.â Weâre going to get help from the groundbreaking work of Albert Ellis. According to an APA survey of psychologists he was the 2nd most influential psychotherapist ever. Sigmund Freud came in third. Drawing on Stoic philosophy, Ellis developed a powerful system called REBT. Hereâs what [Wikipedia]( says about it: In general REBT is arguably one of the most investigated theories in the field of psychotherapy and a large amount of clinical experience and a substantial body of modern psychological research have validated and substantiated many of REBTs theoretical assumptions on personality and psychotherapy.
This stuff works. His book is â[How To Control Your Anger Before It Controls You]( Letâs get to it... "The Calls Are Coming From Inside The House" Eleanor Roosevelt said, âNo one can make you feel inferior without your consent.â Guess what? Thatâs true for anger too. Anger isnât caused by pandemics or traffic or anything external. Anger is our own fault. Yeah, I said it. But this is a good thing because if it werenât under our control, we wouldnât be able to do anything about it. Ellis said it comes down to ABC. A is Adversity. The external thing that happens to you like traffic. C is the Consequences. Your feeling of anger. But A doesnât directly cause C. We got B in the middle there. And B is your Beliefs. What do beliefs have to do with it? Say I stick a gun in your face. (That definitely qualifies as Adversity.) You think youâre about to die. (Beliefs.) Youâre terrified. (Consequences.) But hold on. You take a second look and realize Iâm actually holding a water pistol. Still scared? Nope. What changed? Only your beliefs. Events donât upset you. You upset yourself because of your beliefs about events. And when your beliefs change, your feelings change. So what kind of beliefs cause anger? We create anger through absolutist, command-oriented thinking and expectations about the world. More importantly, we get angry due to irrational beliefs. Letâs say I tell you solving this crossword puzzle is going to be difficult. You try it. Itâs difficult. Would you get angry? No. You had a rational belief. But often when things donât go your way in life you do get angry. Do you believe that life must always be easy, simple and convenient? Or someone is mean and you fly off the handle. Do you really believe people are obligated by the laws of the universe to always be nice to you? You may want to answer ânoâ but if that was really the case would you react with anger? You knew the crossword puzzle was going to be hard, it was hard, and you didnât get angry. You also know life doesnât always go your way and that people can be jerks. But for some reason when these things happen it surprises and angers you. What gives? Itâs due to irrational beliefs. Underneath it all, we often do expect everything to go our way, even though our conscious minds know thatâs ridiculous. We do expect everyone to be polite all the time and thatâs why weâre surprised when theyâre not. And we act like none of this has any right to happen to us. That we should never be inconvenienced. You don't need to live at 221B Baker Street to realize this isnât very rational. Anger doesnât come from the external world, it comes from these impossible, irrational expectations we often have. When we think we are in control of reality and life reminds us weâre not, we get angry. [Ellis]( says that often our beliefs are: âThe world (and the people in it) must be arranged so that I get practically everything that I really want when I want it. And further, conditions must be arranged so that I donât get what I donât want. Moreover, I usually must get what I want quickly and easily.â
Some people immediately push back when I explain this. They say that others âshouldâ behave nicely, and so their anger is justified. (These people make me want to use my secret agent cyanide tooth.) Anytime you find yourself using the words âshouldâ, âmustâ or âsupposed toâ youâre headed for anger. All of those words are clever ways of implying other people âcannotâ behave badly. But people can and do behave badly at times and you know that. You can certainly prefer they behave better but âshouldâ is a one-way path to frustration because youâre denying reality. Until somebody builds a bug zapper for jerks âshouldâ is not going to get you any closer to happiness. âShouldâ is denial. Like some metaphysical trump card you can play to alter the universe. Sorry, not gonna happen. (If you want to stay angry head over to Twitter. Youâll fit right in.) Iâm not saying itâs good or right that people are mean and Iâm not saying you should put up with it. But once you start down the road of âshouldâ youâre implying you can control their behavior and you canât. Thatâs an irrational belief. Itâs not going to result in the universe suddenly setting them straight; itâs going to result in you upping the dose on your blood pressure medication. (To learn more about how you can lead a successful life, check out my bestselling book [here]( You cannot control everything that happens but you can control your beliefs. When beliefs are rational, weâre good but when theyâre irrational â oopsie â we get angry. So how do we make our irrational beliefs more rational? Dispute As the old joke goes: How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice. And unconsciously we have been practicing our irrational beliefs for a very long time. We may not be aware of them but they become clear when we get angry at things that are totally unsurprising. Traffic is bad on a Monday morning. You get angry. Whatâs the belief? âTraffic should not occur when I am in the car.â Or maybe, âI must never be inconvenienced.â How rational are those? Well, we have ABC and now we need to add D. Youâre going to face Adversity. Youâll have Beliefs about it. Those will determine the Consequences. And when the consequences are anger, we need to Dispute our beliefs. You want to challenge their accuracy or usefulness to see if they are irrational. Say somebody cheats you. You get angry. Whatâs the belief? âPeople must treat me fairly.â Time to dispute. Is this rational? It would be nice if people treated you fairly but, no, they donât have to. You can prefer they do but insisting that the world bend to your will is just going to make you lose your cool â and often lead to poor decision-making. Now you can and should express dissatisfaction. Nobodyâs saying you need to roll over and take it. But when your âpreferencesâ become âmustsâ youâre just going to drive yourself crazy because youâre implying this cannot happen. As if you had the power to control it. And you donât. Changing demands to desires eliminates anger. You can still do things to counter the adversity. In fact, you will usually do a better job of it because youâll be able to think clearly and better problem solve. How many times have you made a stupid decision because you had a head full of steam? When youâre angry you have the brains of a King Charles Spaniel. Flying off the handle is not known to be a quality of top negotiators. Any time you find anger rising, check your underlying belief. Is it some version of, âLife must be easy and people must be kind and fairâ? Not terribly rational. Change âmustsâ to preferences, demands to desires. Then problem solve or negotiate with a cool head. This leads to a lot less time screaming into a cushion. (To learn the two-word morning ritual that will make you happy all day, click [here]( Okay, weâre inching toward pragmatism. Problem is, if you only dispute your beliefs after you get angry, this is all going to take a loooong time to sink in. So how can we speed up the process? Carnegie Hall. Practice. And how do we practice...? Make Yourself Angry Yes, literally. Ellis calls it âRational Emotive Imagery.â (You can refer to it as âBeast Modeâ if you like. Your call.) Sit down, close your eyes and imagine something that really gets your goat on a regular basis. Donât just âthinkâ about it, totally experience it in your mind. Go full Dark Side of the Force here. Let the anger flow through you, Luke. Feel the âmustâ and âshouldâ beliefs at their mightiest. They must not treat me this way! Life should be easy! Get the adrenaline flowing... Feel it? Now just like you did with disputing, start questioning your underlying beliefs. Shift them toward something more rational: âI donât like when they treat me this way, but people sometimes behave badly. I know that. Iâd prefer they didnât but itâs irrational to believe I can control them.â Feel the difference it makes when you stop trying to control what you cannot control. Giving up your anger doesnât mean youâre powerless or giving up hope. Youâll be able to handle the situation in a smarter way once you accept that the universe is not here to do your bidding. Youâve done this little exercise before at times without realizing it. You dealt with that annoying person, they acted annoying, you got angry⦠but then you realized, âSeriously, what did I expect? This is how they are and I know that.â And then the anger dissipates. Youâre not thrilled but you donât lose your cool. Shift your beliefs from irrational to rational and the anger evaporates. Practice this a few minutes a day and youâll start to improve. (If you find meditation boring maybe making yourself furious every day is more your style.) Seriously, this is a software update for your brain. Make a note of any insights you have. See what works for you, what helps you make the shift, and leverage that next time Adversity hits. Youâll see results from Rational Emotive Imagery faster than you think. Practice long enough and your frustration tolerance will increase. You will no longer be stressed by difficult situations. âInjusticesâ will become âchallengesâ and youâll make better decisions on how to deal with them. This is how you become an unflappable cool customer at the negotiation table of life. (To learn the 5 secrets neuroscience says will make you emotionally intelligent, click [here]( Okay, it is my very rational belief that we have learned a lot. Letâs round it all up and find out how the above can not only eliminate anger but also lead to a very happy life... Sum Up This is how to deal with anger and be more resilient:
- ABC: You cause your anger. Larry doesnât. Larry is just Adversity. The Consequence is anger. But if you change your Belief that Larry must behave in exactly the way you have deemed appropriate, that Consequence can change.
- Irrational Beliefs: Eliminate âmustâ and âshouldâ from your belief vocabulary. Theyâll drive you crazy and make your therapist consider early retirement.
- Dispute: Eric, is it an ironclad, immutable law of the universe that people must agree with everything you write? Is that really rational?
- Practice: Experience the power of the Dark Side, young Padawan. Let the anger flow through you⦠And then shift those beliefs. Feel the difference. And join the emotional Jedi.
By now itâs quite clear that if you walk around with the underlying belief âConditions must always be the way I want them to beâ youâre going to make the Incredible Hulk seem like Mary Poppins. But this post isnât just about anger. Albert Ellis found that irrational beliefs are the cause of nearly all of the emotional difficulties we face in life. Believe âI absolutely must perform well!â and youâre going to be anxious at work. Believe âI must have the success and happy family that my friends on Instagram seem to haveâ and youâre going to be depressed. From [How To Control Your Anger Before It Controls You:]( To make yourself feel needlessly angry, anxious, or depressed, you almost always escalate your desires into assumed needs, your preferences into demands and insistences, your relative wishes into absolute dictates.
When it comes to your emotions, your enemy is not traffic, or that person at work, or anything external. Itâs your own irrational beliefs. And if you donât change them, life is going to be an endless white-knuckle endurance test. But I donât want to get preachy. (The day I start referring to these blog posts as âmanifestos,â hooo-boy, look out.) Think about it. If you think things âmustâ go exactly the way you demand, you are almost certainly wrong because there are so many ways to live a good life. A happy life. You did not expect to be exactly where you are now. That is true for the bad but also for the good. You have faced many adversities and overcome them. Those previous âmustsâ came and went. And they will again -- but we always seem to forget that in the moment. (You made it through a pandemic, my friend. You can handle anything.) Accept life as it comes. Accept that you cannot control everything in it. Acceptance does not mean âgiving up.â It means ânot living in denial.â Acknowledge reality and you can avoid so many awful feelings. Youâll be more resilient. And then -- with a cool head and a smile -- you can endeavor to change those things you donât like and make life better. So dispute those irrational beliefs and live a happier life. But, hey, I canât control what you do. Iâm not going to say you âmustâ or even that you âshould.â But Iâd prefer it. ***And if you want a daily insight, quote or laugh, you should follow me on Instagram [here]( Email Extras Findings from around the internet... + Want to know how successful people manage to win again and again and again? Click [here](. + Want to learn how to do small talk better? Click [here](. (Mucho thanks to the excellent [Dan Pink]( + Want to know why mindfulness might not be working for you? Click [here](. + Miss last week's post? Here you go: [How to Be Happier Without Really Trying](. + Want to know the one word that makes people pay attention? Click [here](. + You read to the end of the email. Now that's the kind of resilience I like. Okay, it's Crackerjack Time: This is totally trippy and will blow your mind. Trust me. To check it out, click [here](.
Thanks for reading!
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